"The Real Housewives of New Jersey" recap: Season 2, reunion episode: "Reunion Part One" (8/30/10)
Okay guys, this is what we’ve been waiting for all season. Our favorite uber-classy Jersey ladies are back on the same couch (Caroline, Teresa, Danielle, and Jacqueline, without boringly normal Dina). I’ve got a glass of wine next to me (as you should as well, no matter what time you’re reading this post), and this is going to be an amazingly bumpy ride. Can’t wait.
10:00- Andy Cohen announces that the ladies haven’t been under the same roof for over a year, with some scary foreboding violin music in the background. A preview of what's about to happen shows a lot of screaming and some pushing, and I am literally crying tears of excitement.
10:01- Wow, Caroline looks fantastic. She lost 25 pounds, apparently following a portion control regimen. Teresa can actually read (and write!) and has a New York Times bestseller. Danielle has a song to be congratulated on? Who knew?.
10:03- Andy Cohen has to bring up Jersey Shore and how terrible it is. Yeah, we get it Bravo, MTV sucks, we’ll stick to your channel, now let’s move on to the good stuff.
10:05- Wow, Teresa is just evil right off the bat. Danielle had sex with a guy after she met him after a week in front of her KIDS? Danielle doesn’t seem to remember the incident, but don’t worry, honey, Teresa will remind you. How was this sexual escapade not on camera? Andy, rudely, steers away from the subject.
10:06- A montage of the women and their terrible Jersey accents/preschool grammar. Danielle doesn’t know that the plural of woman is women? What is wrong with the Jersey school system? Obama, that might be your next area to handle.
10:07- Montage of the newest babies of the New Jersey housewives. Babies everywhere! Shouldn’t everyone be happy watching this montage for at least an hour afterwards? Both Teresa and Jacqueline had babies this season. Teresa talks about her children as though they were accessories. Normal behavior.
10:08- Danielle didn’t call Jacqueline after Jacq’s baby was born, but Danielle kind of apologizes and is nice to Jacqueline! Weird, I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.
10:09- Talk turns to DINA (who used to be my favorite just because she was so pretty!). What did Danielle do to her? I’m thinking that the rumors are true, that Danielle tried to get Dina’s girl taken away from her (Did you see Caroline nodding furiously in the corner?). Wow, Danielle is even worse than we thought she was. That’s a major bitch move.
10:11- WHOA TERESA GETS UP TO SCREAM AND defend her family. Already, eleven minutes into the show? Impressive. Andy Cohen aggressively needs to work out more, Teresa threw him down like he was a rag doll. Danielle already leaves the set. SOMEONE NEEDS TO SLIP TERESA A XANAX. Cut to backstage, that huge cooler of champagne looks appetizing in the corner. Sorry, I needed to concentrate on something other than the screeching that's happening on my TV.
10:13- Andy tells Teresa she can't get off the couch. Andy is like the poor kindergarten teacher with a class full of infants who are experiencing their terrible twos. Cut to backstage where Danielle is whining, and Lori, Danielle's "music partner," is there too. Everyone is crying around Danielle and telling her that she is amazing (is everyone on crack over there?). We're all thinking of amazing things and new beginnings, because that's what Danielle's hair stylist tells us to do. My amazing thing is that I just want to see more catfights, and I'm confused why Danielle just won't get out there on set and get on with things. Oh, I see some lesbian hand holding as Danielle walks out with Lori. Sweet.
10:22- Everyone wants Caroline Manzo as their mother. I want Caroline Manzo as my mother (sorry Mom, if you're reading this, but Caroline thinks her son is perfect even when he fails law school! ). That's just a no-brainer that nobody wants crazy wonky boobed Danielle as their mother.
10:35- Caroline loves her kids no matter what they do, and is always crying about it. Too sweet. Don't worry Mama Caroline, I'll marry Albie and support him, your baby won't even have to go to law school anymore.
10:39- First rule of Italian cooking: you can't be on your period when making tomato sauce OR wine. I won't comment on that, for our male readers out there. Andy eases into talking about Teresa's financial troubles by talking about her anniversary gift from Joe, and she makes it clear that it was YELLOW SAPPHIRE COCKTAIL RING (not a diamond) and it was for their ANNIVERSARY not her birthday. Apparently that makes a world of difference.
10:41- Wonderfully cut montage of Teresa’s spending habits and the parties at the Giudice house, Teresa does not look happy on the reunion set. The montage shows Teresa and Joe's four beautiful girls, who are my favorite characters and just happen to be super bratty and expensive. Moral of the story: Joe will be broke for the rest of his life (and afterwards). The closing shot of the montage is their foreclosed house. Oh wait, I lied, it's not foreclosed (I'm only correcting myself because Teresa will find me and kill me if I spread that rumor). Ugh, Andy, stop it, talking about money is tacky and is making me nervous.
10:42- Except for the fact that Teresa expertly skirts around answering any questions about her finances, which makes it pretty funny. She still loves her hubby for hiding their massive problems from her. Bless her soul. And she’s been “working.” Yeah, working.
10: 45- Joe was totally sober and simply yawned when he got in that DUI car accident. Joe goes and gets drunk after the accident, well, Teresa corrects everyone by saying that he only took a "couple" of shots. Obviously when I get in a car crash, the first place I’m going to is a bar. Spare me.
10:49- Danielle is not calm in the boudoir, as she says so herself, because we all really want to know. Read: DANIELLE STAUB IS A SLUT. Sorry, had to.
10:50- Danny and Danielle in luurvee? Possibly, because the other ladies heard and think so. Danielle is not only a slut and prostitution whore, but she's also a homewrecker! Good for you!
10:51- Danielle doesn’t get laid anymore. She’s a born-again virgin. Like I’ll believe that, that girl is screaming “I just had sex five minutes ago in the greenroom with the random intern.” Too much?
10:52- Andy asks Danielle if she is swimming in the lady pond. Andy, you may be the only person who could coin the term "swimming in the lady pond."
10:56- Caroline defends herself for not being a stripper? When did it become neccessary to defend yourself for not being a stripper?
10:57- SEX TAPE TIME. Danielle admits to two sex tapes. She says she didn't release them, but she just didn't "have" the money to stop it from being distributed. Danielle looks way too happy talking about her sex tape. Jacqueline watched a part of the video (creepy).
10:59- Teresa’s crazy eyes are coming out again. Go Teresa, go. The words coming out of her mouth would make a trucker blush (skanky bitch, prostitution whore, love it). She really needs to look into a life's supply of Xanax (or can she not afford a prescription?).
11:04- Caroline calls Danielle out for being a terrible parent. People are yelling. After this long, it’s hurting my ears and I turn the volume down. Danielle starts talking about how everyone loves her and how we should all appreciate that, but Caroline wants some answers!
11:08 People are pointing at each other, mostly Caroline at Danielle. Caroline is also yelling about how Danielle's a terrible mother and how her children should be sent to child protection services (which I kind of agree with).
11:09- Caroline wants Danielle’s autograph because she’s impressed that Danielle isn't in the mafia and Danielle is perfect (sarcatically, obviously). Cue Danielle smirk. Maybe Caroline thinks she’s at Disney World and that Danielle is Cruella Deville! Yeah, that's it.
11:15- Danielle had an entourage who didn’t pay at that benefit at the Brownstone earlier on the season. Danielle thought she ran shit when she walked into the Brownstone, and was mean to Caroline's boy. NOOO, Caroline is NOT having that. Caroline is not tolerating any lies, no she is not, especially when Danielle walked into her place of business.
11:17- Caroline’s gonna go and she’s going! Caroline totally wins; she raised her voice, pointed her finger, but stayed on the couch (golden rule of the reunion, according to Andy Cohen).
11:20- OMG previews for part two of the reunion: armed guards, married man, bodily harm, drug usage, Kim G., oh my! Can't wait.
