Jersey Shore recap: Season 2, episode 1: "Goin' South"
At this point, you know that nothing's wrong with your television or your brain if you see a walking, talking mandarin orange. It's just Snooki being Snooki.
Snooki's boyfriend: "How many [meat] balls do you want?"
Snooki: "I want two. In my face."
That's right, America. Your favorite tanned, juiced, fist-pumping first dysfunctional family is back, and if you forgot it was going down, tons of your Facebook friends' status updates were there to remind you. For some reason, our obsession with watching guidos GTL or guidettes fix their poufs completely eclipses all other life obligations. But who gives a damn, the gang is all here - ALL here, including resident outcast Angelina, who after last year's inability to work at a t-shirt shop, is back to wreak havoc on the house.
The first half of the premiere slumped: J-Woww and Snooki get pickles in Georgia, Sitch and Pauly get stuck in the mud... but nothing was quite as glorious as every kid's reaction when Angelina stepped in the building. The moment when she asks The Situation and Pauly D if she can snag the third bed in their room? Five seconds of awkward silence and TV magic. While she tries to play the "I'm nice now so everyone just get over it" card, none of the other girls buy it, and in the first awkward cab ride of the season, it's three girls screaming on one, and J-Woww is already primed to take it outside. Chill, girl, there's still 11 episodes to go.
The only situation (oops) this season that's more awkward than Angelina vs. The World will be Sammi and Ronnie. While Ronnie is single and making out with EVERY GIRL EVER, Sammi spends the entire episode saying that she's still not over him.
"In a way I'm upset because Ronnie's room is right next to me... but in a way I'm happy because I get to see him."
Ohhh yeah. She's psycho. This is going to be fun. But why let me keep talking? Here's last night's episode, according to the cast themselves:
Best Jersey Shore season premiere Quotes
Snooki: "Well I'm done Snookin' for love. I found an amazing, gorilla juicehead."
Ronnie: "The smush captain is on his way."
Snooki (on her waiter in Georgia): "Obviously, he f--ks his sister for a living."
Ronnie: "I'm gonna have a good time and get creepy and get weird."
Snooki: "I don't go TANNING tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. And I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain would never put a tax on tanning. Because he's pale and would probably wanna be tan. Obama doesn't have that problem. Obviously."
Situation: (on Angelina) "I can tell you right off the bat the other girls in the house are gonna be going at her. I'm just excited to see the fireworks. I'm gonna have my little sparkler in the corner."
Snooki: "I feel like a pilgrim from the freakin 20s!"
Pauly D: "You can't see in this weather. You can't get tan in this weather. You can't creep in this weather. You can't do anything."
Sammi: "I just feel like I don't know." Snooki: "I know how you feel."
And my personal winner:
Snooki: "I feel like I'm gonna be a tornado. I'm gonna go from place to place, like, destroying it."
That's right. Guido oranges are tornados now. Keep up.
--Terron Moore is a pop culture journalist who occasionally likes flailing around to Justin Bieber music. That's not weird, right? You should follow him on Twitter and check out his Tumblr page, too!--
