"All this was no sooner read than forgotten, for within a few hours it would be blotted out by new trivialities." -Jesus Christ
The Miami Heat escaped Oklahoma City with a 100-96 win yesterday, leveling the NBA Finals at 1-1 and avoiding the ignominy of giving up another yuge halftime lead. Following the game on Twitter (as sports fans with internet access are wont to do these days), I came to despise everyone who shared their poorly articulated opinions on the second-by-second of the Thunder's doomed comeback. That was a foul by LeBron on Durant! The refs stole the game! OMG!
The Unconventional Warfare Of Heat Vs. Thunder
As crazy as the internet went during a deserved Heat victory in OKC, I imagine that if the Thunder had managed to fulfill the promise of their late comeback, everything would have crashed. The tubes just aren't built to handle the thoughts and feelings of sports fans gleefully celebrating the improbably demise of the Heat. In short, we would be facing an Internet Apocalypse. Here's an approximate timeline of what might have happened. All times Eastern.
11:45 pm: Down by two, the Thunder inbound the ball to Kevin Druant, who's guarded by LeBron James. James is called for a soft foul. Durant sinks both free throws, tying the game at 98.
11:46 pm: Russell Westbrook steals the ensuing inbounds pass from LeBron and dunks to give the Thunder their first lead of the game. Timeout Heat. #WestbrookSteal pops up on Twitter.
11:48 pm: LeBron James launches a contested three-pointer with seven seconds left. Serge Ibaka grabs the rebound and is fouled. Ibaka sinks one of two free throws. Five seconds left, and #LeChoke begins dominating Twitter.
11:50 pm: LeBron drives down the court and takes a wild pull-up three, which airballs. Oklahoma City explodes in mass hysteria.
11:57 pm: Mobile service in Oklahoma City goes down. Mike Breen has disappeared in the crowd. Jeff Van Gundy is seen clutching Joel Anthony's leg.
12:01 am: Every trending topic on Twitter is related to the game, except for #VaginaMovieLines, which has been co-opted by basketball fans and applied to the Heat in a perversion of Celtic Pride.
12:05 am: Gunfights are reported in Oklahoma City, a traditional way for Thunder fans to celebrate. Mike Breen is confirmed dead; cell phone towers are not in service. Van Gundy has disappeared.
12:09 am: #LeChoke attracts a record number of tweets per second. EMTs in Oklahoma City are swamped, and the city has begun to burn. In Miami, citizens begin inquiring about what exactly this Heat team is, anyway.
12:17 am: Twitter's servers can't handle the traffic and crash. President Obama's aides wake him, and Oklahoma's governor declares a state of emergency.
12:29 am: Facebook sees an odd traffic spike as Twitter users move to the outdated social network to express their views. Oklahoma City's airport has been destroyed, trapping Heat players in the city for the night.
12:41 am: Facebook crashes. Air Force 1 is prepared to transport Obama to Dallas, where he will attempt to make contact with Oklahoma City officials. No one can be reached. The last report had the city burning and the Heat trapped at the airport, a ravenous crowd closing in around them.
1:07 am: Asian markets begin mad rush to sell Facebook stock. Financial collapse looms. Greece rejoices.
1:58 am: The National Guard descends on Oklahoma City and are quickly overwhelmed. At this point, internet users have turned to sites like Reddit, which quickly blocks everyone, Digg, Tumblr and StumbleUpon to talk about the game. Miami residents continue about their business; most sleep peacefully.
2:49 am: The Army backs up the National Guard and declares martial law in Oklahoma City. The night ends with some semblance of forced peace.
9:01 am: All social media sites are down. Somewhat ironically, Ology.com continues operations as usual.
9:03 am: Facebook stock is trading at two cents per share. Suicides on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange are common. In his California bunker, Mark Zuckerberg wakes his wife and prepares arsenic tea.
9:58 am: The USA's credit rating is downgraded to CCC+, roughly on par with that of Belize. Horrific reports of grocery store looting and cannibalism spread by word of mouth with nearly all outlets unable to disseminate information. Ology and TMZ continue operations.
10:27 am: Mark Zuckerberg and his new bride drink their arsenic tea, committing suicide before angry hoards of now former Facebook employees make their way to the bunker.
10:29 am: NBA Commissioner David Stern cancels the remainder of the Finals and declares the Oklahoma City Thunder champions in the hopes of quelling the chaos, to no avail.
11:34 am: America is a shell of its former self. The internet is down forever. Members of the Miami Heat are presumed dead. A new Dark Age awaits the human race. Constant wars over resources threaten mass extinction. Why, oh WHY did the referee call that soft foul on LeBron James?
Fortunately, it didn't go down this way, and instead basketball fans were treated to a great Finals game. You knew it would be a great series, but did you have any idea it would be THIS good?
---
Follow on Ology: Anthony Schneck | NBA
Follow on Twitter: @AnthonyOlogy | @OlogySports
Comments (0)
Be the first to comment!