Hey, Rock of Ages isn't as terrible as you thought it would be. This isn't to say it's actually a good movie, far from it, but if you're being held hostage in a movie theater this weekend, you should how that your captor chooses this over That's My Boy.
The movie itself totes an impresive cast- Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Tom Cruise, Bryan Cranston, Malin Ackerman and Paul Giamatti. Then there's the shrug worthy Diego Boneta and shrill Julianne Hough pulling in the leads. Gosh bless 'em, everyone's putting in at least 60% of f*cks. I mean, Tom Cruise sings into Ackerman's vagina. That takes dedication on both their parts.
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And just in case you were worried about this movie not checking off enough of the cheesy comedy tropes: Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand make out, Bryan Cranston gets spanked by his mistress and canyoubelieveit there's a monkey that acts like a human.
The problem with Rock of Ages isn't the cheesy music, the overwrought costuming or the random casting. The whole thing comes off as a giant, confused episode of Glee. There are two angles used in the movie; close up and EXTREME CLOSE UP. The audience never gets a chance to just stand back and breathe or take in the tongue-in-cheek purpose. It's not a movie- it's one giant scene filled with glitter and lyrca and wailing and hair tossing. And of course, the movie ends with "Don't Stop Believing," which should never be played again in any TV show, movie or bar.
SumOlogy: Thank God the 80s are over.
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