As you well know by now, a rapscallion, possibly numbering more than one, burglarized Kanye West’s Los Angeles home, leaving in the wake an unreported level of mischief that has stunted the level of contentment amongst the City of Angels’ gentry.
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While the infamous LAPD is currently performing what is best to be assumed an investigation centered around half-empty boxes of Dunkin’ Donuts Bear Claws and several gallons of Starbucks’ “Ready-to-Go” travel coffee, uncertainties are painfully plucking the feathers of patience from mainstream media, so I figured I’d share some information I’ve gathered on the nature of the crime via some West Coast sources.
Now, I’m not saying that Kanye owns any of these things; it’s just that certain “sources,” who I will not name, have provided some scoops on items that might be in there. I, myself, will be providing some reasoning as to why said items may have been stolen.
Here goes:
1. Three packages of Newman O’s organic cookies, most likely two of the “six milk dunkin’ flavors,” those being the Peanut Butter O’s and Ginger O’s.
Reasoning: The addiction to these is Kanye’s cross to bear. As you’ll see in the photograph above, despite an oriental carpet-sized College Dropout celebratory cake, 'Ye still makes a point to showcase his favorite egg-based baked treat.
These were most likely stolen by the varlet(s) during the burglarization, as my sources would like to assume he/she was stoned, driven by some existential experience free of explanation that would label the Newman O’s as essential baggage for the journey.
2. A holographic full-body vertical mirror with photographic projection recall in 1080p that displays Kanye’s previous outfit so that he may dress accordingly to avoid the repetition of garb.
Reasoning: This custom made testament to vanity is a quintessential Kanye West artifact, as his reliance in pop culture survival is placed upon it on a daily basis. Obviously, the aforementioned burglar(s) can be assumed to hold some note of hatred toward the artist, and therefore would much like to dissolve his fixation with himself by robbing him of the mirror.
Likewise, the mirror would fetch a fair amount of money at any strip pawn shop, money which could then be converted into crack rock.
3. One copy of the King James Bible where Kanye has replaced every mention of Christ with his name in the scripture. As well, all phrases with the Old English pronoun “Ye” have been rewritten as “‘Ye.”
Reasoning: The name “Jesus” is mentioned in approximately 983 verses in the King James Bible; obviously Kanye would have called upon several of his indentured servants to complete said task, and took much glee each night as actor Keith David read him passages from the Holy book afterward.
This memento is an obvious target for theft, as, one, nobody wants anyone to enjoy Keith David’s voice outside of the silver screen, and two, it’s just kind of a silly thing to own.
4. The lives of Koi Fish, i.e., nishikigoi, that Kanye purchased for his 18th Century aquarium following the monetary success of College Dropout. Supposedly, he feeds them bits of gold flake and toenail clippings from endangered species each morning.
Reasoning: Though it sounds juvenile, upon seeing said aquarium with its rumored pure gold cherub centerpiece and marble foundation, the malefactor(s) must have found an urge to urinate in the tank as a sign of protest to the ludicrous level of paraphyletic decadence. As well, the presumed marijuana surely made this seem like a good idea.
5. A wax recreation of Sean “Jay-Z” Carter with Magic 8 Balls for eyes.
Reasoning: This is an object Kanye must use for his daily consultations, with questions ranging from what precious metal he should wear, to the temperature his morning bath water should be set at. As each eye would likely produce a different response, this would leave ‘Ye in regular predicaments that would train him to make decisions for himself, much in the way infants are taught logic via placing polygon shaped wooden blocks through their respective holes.
Without this item, Kanye would likely wander the streets alone and dumb, wearing a mismatched stew of clothing and jewelry while tugging at his patched facial hair and considering his metal chin some signifier of robotic origins.
There’s plenty more to consider, but I’m not going to delve into all of that business. For now, we’ll see what the LAPD do as they lounge around the crime scene casually dusting for fingertips and questioning the neighbors.
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