As the French say, pareil reconnait un pareil. Or as we say en Los Estados Unidos, it takes one to know one.
Washington Nationals 19-year-old phenom Bryce Harper is an astonishing douchebag - that's not breaking news. But Red Sox television play-by-play actor Don Orsillo is worse: he's a smug, smarmy New England douchebag. I'd say he's in a class by himself but unfortunately, he's not. He's just like so many shithead kids that you've had the misfortune of encountering.
Boston sports fan and Grantland Editor-In-Chief Bill Simmons once said of Orsillo: "Every time Don Orsillo announces a playoff game, I feel like I'm watching my wife make out with someone else."
Don Orsillo thinks he's really bright because he recognizes that Bryce Harper is a douchebag. Like recognizes like, you guys.
You see, Harper wears an absurd amount of eye black. He's a 19-year-old kid. He does stupid things. He's also a once-in-a-generation talent who already has a regular habit of making star MLBers look silly and flustered.
Orsillo is 43 years old. He's a grown-ass man, or at least as close to one as he'll ever be. On Sunday he thought it would be funny to put on eye black in the booth as a mockery of Harper, who smeared the shit all over his face on Sunday even though he didn't even start the game.
And it actually was a funny idea on Orsillo's part - he's gets paid to do what he does, after all - and it would have been a great segment if Orsillo weren't such a nutless turd.
Instead, once Orsillo put on his baseball makeup he sat up in his chair like he was a friggin' peacock and delivered an oily, mendatious salvo that poked fun of Harper, while his partner Jerry Remy giggled like an idiot. You can watch the video of the incident here.
"Already I feel amazing, it's made a complete difference," he coos. " I mean, it just, there's no more glare."
You've seen this particular Boston jackass before, grinning proudly to his bros over the bottle neck of his Yuengling, after he's just told his girlfriend she was only mad because she put her tampon in too far.
"I will never misjudge any fly balls in the air," he goes on, his every breath like a fart. "I mean, I may wear this for every day game of the year."
Remy then riffs back at him for a moment so that Orsillo can gather up new material from the mossy regions of his comedic brain - and what does Orsillo come up with in reply? He repeats himself!
"What a difference," he says. "There is absolutely no glare anymore whatsoever at all."
The Washington Nationals swept Orsillo's Red Sox on Sunday. Harper didn't stay on the bench the whole game.
Leading off the ninth inning of a 3-3 ballgame, Harper put his eye black to use, coming off the bench to take a five-pitch walk against Sox reliever Alfredo Aceves.
With Harper on first base, Jesus Flores struck out, and Sox manager Bobby Valentine got ejected for arguing balls and strikes with Roger Bernadina batting. Once Valentine got his ass off the field, Bernadina hit a double into the right field corner. Harper flew around the bases, sliding into home plate just ahead of the tag, scoring the go-ahead run all the way from first base and giving the Nats their first ever sweep in Fenway Park.
Bryce Harper is a douchebag, and one of the most talented kids on earth.
Don Orsillo is an unctuous, grovelling shit. He recognizes that Harper is a douchebag, because like recognizes like. He doesn't appreciate Harper's talent because Bryce has more talent in his taint than Orsillo will ever have, even in his wildest fantasies.
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Follow Bison Messink on Twitter: @BisonMessink
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[h/t My Mossy Brain]
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