Alright, guys! Yet another week of The Ryan and Emily Show, where Ryan has to fight against 24 other man Hunger Games style in order to win a girl whose thoughts on him are “meehhhhhhhhhhhhh” so let’s get this started!
Chris announces this week’s dates: a group date, a one-on-one date, and the two-on-one date, where winner stays and loser goes. This is all before telling the boys to pack their sh*t for a week in Bermuda!
Big obligatory Ricki montage. Whatever.
The bros get to Bermuda and Travis is already hitting his dougie. Sean’s still hot and Alejandro is still on the show?!
Arie presents the date card to solo dater Doug (!!!) for their first outing together and keeps teasing the meathead about being nervous while Bermuda quickly becomes a windy, rainy mess. Doug is nervous, but Jesus is pissed. Emily shows up just before Doug bashes Arie’s face in. Which sucks, because I really wanted to see that.
Emily and Doug seem to get along swimmingly on their walk around the town. Doug talks about how he’s proving to his son that one man can change the world by starting a charity. There’s this douche quote in the middle of it:
“Superman wasn’t gonna show up, so I thought I’d do it.”
Emily and Doug write a postcard to Austin, and it melts Doug’s heart and everything. I definitely think Doug and Emily are nice people and cute together, but I think Doug’s too emotionally wound for her. She believes that Doug is hiding something because he’s so perfect, and Doug’s clearly afraid to be honest with her, but he makes this speech about “just bein’ a guy” and it’s kinda super endearing. Of course he gets the rose. Look at that face!
Oh, by the way, Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in months so he feels weird about kissing Emily, and also, likes to refer to himself in the third person whenever he talks about kissing.
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon get on the group date card, which leaves out Nate, Michael, John, and ALEJANDRO, who’s just ripe for the eliminatin’. The gang competes in a sailboat race in order to win Emily’s heart: Red Teamers Travis/Sean/Charlie/Chris verses Yellow Teamers Jef/Ryan/Arie/Kalon and I’m absolutely Team Red until they freakin’ lose. Charlie goes home in the van crying. He just really wanted to be “kickin’ it” with Emily. This is hilarious!
Honest lies from Emily Maynard: “To be honest, I hate watching guys compete.”
Back at the date, Ryan toasts to Emily as his “trophy wife”, just the shitty thing you’d expect Ryan to say, even though Arie is the frontrunner here, stealing Emily away for lots and lots of smooching. Jeez, they literally don’t stop kissing. Jef is up next, and he pretty much says nothing other than “when I think about you, I like you” about 80,000 times. Emily doesn’t seem too interested, but then she suddenly gives him the rose! Ryan comes in all judge-y about Emily’s slut-smooching skills before that, but I don’t really give a shit. Ryan is just happy that rose didn’t go to Arie, luring himself into a false sense of security.
Obligatory Ricki montage. Ugh.
The very last date card goes to John (30) and Nate (25), which means one of them is definitely going home and IT’S TIME FOR A SHOWDOWN. While the entire house thinks John is coming back, Charlie (25) gets sassy when Doug (33) asserts that older men are more mature. I don’t care for this MOST AWKWARD DATE EVER because let’s face it, neither of these guys is gonna win, but I’d like to see Nate get the rose just to prove everyone wrong. Too bad I’m the wrong one. Doug sticks around.
Obligatory Ricki montage, SERIOUSLY AGAIN WITH THIS?! Let’s stop pretending that Emily is paying more attention to her child than 25 men. Because she’s not.
Arie goes in and cockblocks Ryan, which is so great. Just so great. I hate Ryan now. Emily essentially tells Arie he’s in the lead because she thinks about him whenever she’s not thinking about her daughter. Or something. Ryan isn’t threatened by Arie because the producers keep asking him if he’s threatened by Arie and he keeps saying no.
Ryan starts freaking out about a Bachelor spinoff. What in the frosted fuck.
SEAN KISSES EMILY! YAY! Meanwhile, Doug and Ryan are pretending they’re not pissed about smooching Emily except they definitely are. Charlie goes to Emily and tattles on Doug. H8ing him right now until he goes into the ring with Doug, a confrontation that’s only 10% as interesting as the promos made it.
So GUESS WHAT. Ef the entire rose ceremony except for the end where ALEJANDRO WHO IS STILL ALIVE GETS THE LAST ROSE. Which means that Michael and Charlie go home. WHAT?! So mad right now. I don’t know who Michael is (he’s apparently never been in love before), but Charlie is the first real hurtful casualty of the season! You know, that and Ryan’s ego.
Leftovers
“I just feel like he’s judging me.” Cut to Ryan: “Yup.”
Follow Terron R. Moore on Twitter: @cityfitch
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