Emily gets breakfast in bed from her mom. Her daughter Ricki doesn’t want to come in, obviously because her life is infiltrated by cameras.
Chris Harrison announces the next round of dates in THE COMPETITION FOR EMILY’S HEART. The first date card goes to Chris, which is strange. She finds him really cute though, and claims that he’s been on the top of her list since she saw his hot face. But in order to get to their date, they have to climb up the side of a building. Chris gets all “aw, shucks, I’m nervous but I’m also really attractive,” and Emily’s just even more smitten until THE LIGHTNING COMES. Wow, these are sick special effects.
So they get to the top of the building and Chris clearly thinks about macking all over her face, which I don’t think Emily would object to… and he instead goes for a bro five. Did he just friend-zone himself?
At dinner, Emily and Chris talk about how they would never approach each other before she grills him on his past and realizes HOLY SHIT HE’S 25.
Tony calls his son, who he misses a lot. So many kids this season. So many adults saying “F*CK MY KIDS” this season. The next date card is for 12 guys, with the clue “let’s play”. Wow, that’s so vaguely dirty that I have no idea what’s coming.
Chris is defending his age by claiming that, you know, he’s a man, you know, with a penis. Plus, the fact that he was a frat star in college must mean something. He wants to raise her baby and do nothing else with his life. Wow, she’s buying right into this and gives him the ‘ol rose. Luke Bryan performs to celebrate. Are all sorts of country performers just patiently waiting by the phones for their Bachelorette big break?
Shit, I kinda like this song, though. THEY PECK ON THE LIPS! THREE TIMES! Chris is now three miles ahead of everyone.
The boys get to play football for their group date, and Ryan seems ready to play, except he’s about to be heartbroken when it’s an AMBUSH INTERROGATION FROM THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING SOUTHERN PANTS. Emily’s friends are here to find out secrets and lies and penis sizes, boys!
“Are we getting manicures?”
Here’s a rundown of what we found out: Travis really doesn’t want to get rid of his egg Shelley. Wolf probably cheated on a girl by the way he said “no”, Ryan can do pushups, the one in the white tank top has a mean booty pop, Sean is still really, really hot and also god-fearing like Emily (he’s called “a genetic gift to the world”, and Wendy makes him go shirtless, clearly wanting to rail him). Pretty anti-climactic until 30,000 children come screaming out of nowhere. Where in the hell did ABC get an entire city of kids? Ryan loves kids, but sneaks off to be with Emily, only to tell her that he’d leave her if he got fat. Smooth move, ex-lax.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Southern Pants choose Sean and Doug. Good picks. Sean better get that rose, and when the gang arrives for dinner, he’s the first to take Emily aside. She questions him on his “pickiness” when it comes to girls, and Sean admits that he’s selective, having not dated anyone in over a year. He wants the love that his parents have. She really should just start sucking his face right now. He’s winning.
Doug’s up next, and he comes clean about his dad’s epilepsy, the sexiest thing you could say on a date. But it turns out that his mom up and left and his dad died years later and Doug was forced to go through the foster care system, which at one point separated he and his sister. Wow, Emily’s like, really impressed! (???)
Tony starts to freak out about neglecting his kid.
Kalon and Arie are among those not invited on the group date, so Kalon is pretty sure he’s gonna be shacking up with Emily next for a day of dates. Too bad that date card’s going to Arie! Kalon’s pissed.
Tony’s still freaking out about neglecting his kid, this time in front of Emily, who seems to really like guys when they’re being absolutely terrible people.
Tony’s still freaking out about neglecting his kid, this time in front of Doug, who is subtly nudging Tony to go home. What’s one more guy down but one more button undone on Emily’s pants?
Tony’s STILL freaking out about neglecting his kid, this time to his kid on the phone, silently weeping while his son reads books. He should honestly go home, except he knows that this is making for great television. Emily realizes how much bitching Tony is doing and sends him home! She then gives the rose to SEAN! Woot! Very happy about this.
Emily has her date with Arie at Dollywood (which is a real place?!), and Emily seems in her element while Arie’s just glad to be staring all in her face and stuff. Obviously Dolly Parton herself shows up and Emily freaks out. Dolly wrote a song exclusively for ABC and Emily’s like IMGONNADIEIMGONNADIEIMGONNADIE. She’s really freakin’ cute. She tells Arie to skedaddle before giving Emily advice on love. She’s been married to her husband for 45 years (JESUS), so is pretty knowledgeable in these sorts of things.
Em and Arie go to dinner because it’s time to get really serious. Arie once dated a girl with two children, and the breakup was really tough because he was so attached to them. His concern is that she might not be able to handle his busy schedule, and she just wants to know that he’ll be thinking about her when he’s out risking his life with them there vee-hick-les. She kinda pauses with the rose for a second and pretends to eliminate him, before giving him the rose and they’re both cute. I very much like them together. HOLY CRAP, THEY MAKE OUT! Arie is the first to the finish line!
Elimination night! Before she makes the crucial cuts, she sits down with Kalon. Kalon tries to tell Emily how great she is, but when she tries to interject, he cuts her off and commands that she let him finish. That’s the most awkward thing he could possibly do, just before elimination. He makes a speech about how he’s used to being in control, and life gets real creepy.
Travis finally breaks that giant growing egg Shelley! Humans triumph!
Emily sits down with a guy that I legitimately have never seen before in my entire life, so I’m pretty sure that no matter what he says, he’s going home. They argue about compromising and he says all the wrong words, assuming that him becoming a dad is “compromising” his life to be with Emily. His name is Alessandro, apparently. Alessandro’s immediately sent home to continue living life “like a gypsy king”.
“Just so, disrespectful, I felt.”
Emily wants to run away from home but ARIE! makes her feel better by comforting her and MAKING OUT WITH HER IN FRONT OF THE GUYS. I’m so team Arie right now, it’s ridiculous. Ryan is seething with jealous, horny anger. Sean, realizing that it’s open season on Emily’s face, also comforts her by asserting that he’d love to be Arie’s dad, and then goes in for the sexy lips kill!
The rose ceremony approaches with Arie, Sean, and Chris all rose-laden, and Tony and Alessando already sent home. Emily delivers the rest of the roses to Jef, Charlie, Doug, Michael (who the hell is this?), Travis, Alejandro (have they ever talked?), Ryan, John, Kalon (WHAT?! SHE STILL GAVE HIM A ROSE?!), and Nate (how are there still people on this show that I don’t know?). This means that Stevie, foxy dancin’ Stevie, is headed home. Ryan marks Arie as his new target. Oh, boy!
Leftovers
WOW. Can’t believe she still gave Kalon a rose. That’s all.
Next week, Arie makes out with Emily even more! Ryan goes on the attack! And it looks like Doug finally gets a solo date!
Follow Terron R. Moore on Twitter: @cityfitch
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