DadBoner had a really great weekend, you guys. Even if he didn't get to party in Cooter's pool.
When we last checked in with our hero, Karl Welzein, he was celebrating Mother's Day, which he had renamed "Karl's Day." If you think about it, you guys, without dads, there would be no moms. Things hadn't been going well with Ann, though, and she asked DadBoner for another talk. Here we go.
Ann knows Karl well enough to choose a place like Applebee's for a meeting. She doesn't know what's coming. Earlier in the day, after doing some 'shups and eating KFC in the john (for protein), Karl discovered the "wet look": "Shirt is still soaked. Might just wear it, let it dry to my bod, shrink to fit style. Looks badass. Could be the new 'wet' look. So carnal." He can't be considered the inventor, though, because as Bison Messink found out today, Tom Brady rocked the wet look years ago.
Wet look established, Karl heads to 'Bees ready for a one-on-one, but Ann brought Tina and Doug. So stupid, you guys. Doug dares to criticize Karl's wet look, but DadBoner shuts him down: "Doug's such a load. He wouldn't know style if it got dumped on his back like a hot jar of mayonnaise. That's a Calvin Klein quote, you guys." CK would've rocked the wet look for sure!
Then Ann starts in on Karl, saying that she, Doug and Tina are there because they're worried about him. Welzein notes that this is "stupid" because he was "there for the eats & drinks." Looks like DadBoner doesn't realize this is an intervention.
Click "Follow" here to keep up with all DadBoner news and notes!
What follows is a series of Karl Welzein shutdowns that are absolutely priceless. Every effort to reach DadBoner is met with a bold power move, and Karl is on such a roll that he can't be stopped. Here's a list of Welzein's shutdowns:
"Flagged a waitress and asked for a Mucho Marg. (it's a marg, but the big size in spanish.) Ann said, 'Karl, no.' Ordered 2, shut her down."
"Tina said, 'I'm sorry Ann, I can't do this. We're leavin. C'mon Doug.' Told Doug, 'yeah, Doug, go take your wife for a walk.' Shut her down."
"Doug said, 'Karl, I feel sorry for you. You need help.' Said, 'I just ordered 2 Mucho Margs, help is on the way.' Shut him down."
Wow. Karl just whipped out some bold power moves to shut down everyone at the table! Now it's just DadBoner, Ann and two Mucho Margs. After Karl polishes off Mucho Marg numero uno, he decides on another bold power move: showing off the beach bod. "Was a few sips deep into my Mucho Marg numero dos. I asked Ann if she noticed how my beach bod was off the chain. She didn't say anything."
This is when things get a little crazy. Karl asks Ann to see if his nips are chafing, but she suffers an adverse reaction and slaps him. Welzein takes it all in stride, though, and offers a valuable piece of analysis:
"If a babe gets so mad at you, she cranks you in the face, that's a guarantee she's up all night with the gal tingles for your bod, you guys." So true.
Needless to say, DadBoner drinks about a thousand beers to get rid of the pain in his jaw, which makes him think he might take it easy for the rest of the weekend. THEN he remembers Crazy Cooter has an above-ground pool. Game on. It just needs a little cleaning, that's all. As Welzein points out, "Even when you're a big piece of horrible garbage, if you have a pool, sign me up for the buddy system. That's summertime rules, you guys." Group cleanup with a dirty 30 is go for launch.
The cleanup is a disaster. For starters, the pool is still destroyed from when Cooter crashed his motorcycle into it, so there are some issues that go beyond cleaning. Cooter keeps Dave and Karl involved thanks to a strong argument: "It's better than YOUR f@ckin' pool you pool you don't have, motherf@cker."
But things keep going downhill, beginning with the unearthing of a dead racoon, which makes Dave puke everywhere. Karl says it "smelled worse than the john at Wendy's," which everyone who's been to a Wendy's knows is especially harsh criticism.
Even a dirty 30 can't make this day any better. After hooking up a stolen sump pump to clear out all the sludge from his pool as it fills with water from the garden hose, Cooter smokes an unidentified substance and passes out. Karl and Dave realize the pool isn't holding water and the yard is flooding, so they decide to get the hell out of there.
That's when Crazy Cooter wakes up.
Cooter tries to convince the boys to stay with promises of "slizz," and he even throws out a brilliant idea that was new to me. "Cooter drug his filthy mattress outside and said, 'When the slizz gets here, I'm gonna float & bang.' Threw it in the pool. Was concerning." The best part about the "float & bang? It pairs naturally with the carnal wet look.
Karl and Dave remain unconvinced, so they leave anyway; Cooter getting shocked by the sump pump doesn't help, and the boys have to flee on foot. Crazy Cooter throws a hammer at them and nails Dave in the back: "Me and Dave just ran for the 'Bring. Cooter threw the hammer at Dave. Hit him in the back. Pretty bad bruise. Shoulda been faster."
DadBoner and Dave get out of there alive, thankfully, and it gives Karl a chance to dispense some party wisdom in our DadBoner Tweet of the Week:
"No matter how bad you wanna hang with babes at a pool party, if the host throws a hammer at you, it's probably time to leave, you guys."
Sage words. We leave our hero as he prepares for Memorial Day weekend, the good news of Guy Fieri driving the pace car at the Indy 500 still ringing in his ears. Can't wait for the holiday weekend, you guys.
--
Follow Anthony Schneck on Twitter: @AnthonyOlogy
Follow SportsOlogy on Twitter:@OlogySports
Comments (4)