Here at Ology, there's only thing we love more than talking to our favorite musicians, artists, athletes and celebrities... not talking to them. In our ongoing series of Non-Interviews, we'll be asking hard, probing, no-nonsense questions to a rotating cast of influential men and women who are much too busy to actually speak with us.
Steven Patrick Morrissey (popularly known and regarded simply by his surname) celebrates his 53rd birthday today. As both the lead singer of The Smiths (one of the most highly-regarded, influential alternative rock groups of all time) and a solo performer, Morrissey has captured the hearts and imaginations of sad, lonely, misunderstood young people everywhere with this bleak, wryly funny lyrics, dramatic stage persona, and uncompromising opinions on everything from vegetarianism to The X Factor. Having written songs like "Unhappy Birthday" and "It's Not Your Birthday Anymore," one would presume Morrissey isn't much into celebrating his own birth date. You might be surprised to learn how the moping Mancunian really feels about turning 53… I know I was. Morrissey was kind enough not to speak with me by phone this week about his life, his career, those pesky Smiths reunion rumors and what he really, really wants for his birthday this year. Check out our non-conversation below.
Ology: Morrissey, thank you so much for taking the time to "talk" with me today.
Fine. Sure.
Firstly, I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday from everyone here at Ology.com. We're all very big fans.
[Sighs] Is it really happy, though?
I'm… not sure. Hopefully?
We're never really born happy, are we? We all come into this world thrashing and screaming. That's how I choose to celebrate my birthday each year.
You're being typically facetious, but come now, Morrissey—you really don't have any birthday plans?
[Sighs] Plan with whom? I truly can't think of a single human being I'd be happy spending more than a few hours with, on my birth date or otherwise.
What about your cat, Gerald?
I haven't a cat named Gerald.
What if every living human being decided to embrace vegetarianism and denounce animal cruelty? Would that be a good birthday present?
Yes, but why would they choose to do that? Are they recognizing that animals are living, feeling creatures that deserve a happy and full life, or are they simply trying to appease the whims of a 53-year-old entertainer?
The first one.
Well, I still wouldn't want it. A voucher in a card would've sufficed.
Do you get very many birthday presents?
Yes, but I quickly dispose of them.
You throw them into the garbage?
No, the attic.
I think you're lying to me, Morrissey. I think deep down, you secretly love when it's your birthday. Everybody does.
Well, I'm not everyone.
There's been a recent resurgence of Smiths reunion rumors. Have you changed your mind at all about getting back together with the old lineup?
Not for a moment, no. I don't think back on the past with much fondness. It's partly why turning 53 means no more than turning 52 or 21 or 11. There's no need to revisit The Smiths when it hasn't gone anywhere. You can purchase the albums at your local corner store, you can still listen to the songs in your room at night when all your friends have gone out. It's pointless to keep doing the same old things when there are new songs to be written, new words to be said.
You make a very excellent point about the progressive nature of creativity, but I'd like to return to the fact that you don't celebrate your own birthday. Can you honestly tell me, straight-faced, that you won't do anything special on Wednesday? Nothing at all.
[Pause] I might play a few records.
See, there you go. Which records? The New York Dolls? Bowie?
Sure, why not.
Sounds like a lot of fun. You should invite a few long-time friends over to listen with you. Doesn't that sound fun? Who should we invite?
I haven't the foggiest. I don't spend very much—
What about Iggy Pop? Could he come?
[Thinks] I don't see why not.
Perfect. What about Nancy Sinatra? She could come too, right?
Well, yes, of course.
Okay, cool. So Iggy Pop and Nancy Sinatra are coming over to your house to listen to records. They're going to need something to eat, right? How about a giant salad bar? With freshly squeezed lemonade? That sounds alright, yes?
If you say so.
Okay, here goes the doorbell. Ding, dong! Oh look, Iggy and Nancy are here! And look, they've brought gifts. That's very nice of them. Shall I put them in the attic, Morrissey.
No, no, I'll take them.
[Nancy Sinatra voice] "Oh please, Morrissey, open mine first! You'll just adore it!" [Grizzled Iggy Pop voice] "No, Moz, mine first! Mine!"
Just a moment, I'll open them both together.
What's in Nancy Sinatra's present, Morrissey?
It's a, um… it's a clock.
That's very thoughtful. Thank you, Nancy Sinatra!
Yes, Nancy. You really shouldn't have.
Now open Iggy Pop's present! What is it?
It's a… baseball glove.
What a perfect gift! We should all play catch after lunch, don't you think.
Well, if Nancy and Iggy insist.
Oh, they do. And once we've finished, I think we'll all be in the mood for desert. How about a cake? Chocolate with lots of candles on it. Maybe it'll say something like "Happy Birthday, Morrissey" in yellow icing.
This scenario is beginning to sound very much like a birthday.
So? What's wrong with that? You're having fun, aren't you?
I think I'd very much like this interview to be over with.
Well, alright. One last question then. Would you rather, if forced to choose at gunpoint, eat an Arby's roast beef sandwich or throw yourself a lavish birthday party?
Neither. I'd take the bullet.
Don't be absurd. I think you secretly think your birthday is kind of a big deal.
No, I don't think that my birthday is kind of a big deal. Good day.
[Hangs Up]
--
Well, there you have it—Ology's exclusive, totally fake, not-even-remotely-libelous scoop that Morrissey actually really does think his birthday is kind of a big deal. You can read all about it, along with his plans to definitely get back together with The Smiths, in this week's issue of NME.
Be sure to check back next week, when I won't be speaking with more of the biggest names in music, film, sports and politics. See you then!
Follow Brett Warner on Twitter: @Erasurehead
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