Q: Uh, are you okay?
A: Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god it's finally here!
Q: What?
A: Battleship is out this weekend!
Q: Battleship? Like a new version of the classic board game?
A: No! A movie based on the board game!
Q: …
A: Everything okay?
Q: Sorry, I just need a minute to process this.
A: Okay.
Q: So, you're telling me that they've made the board game Battleship into a movie?
A: Yup.
Q: Was there any plot to the board game? Or memorable characters? Or a cartoon series they can mine for ideas?
A: Nope! Just a grid that you stick pegs into!
Q: I literally have no idea what to say.
A: I know, right!
Q: So how did they turn it into a movie?
A: By adding aliens, of course!
Q: Huh?
A: There are aliens who invade the Earth and, for some reason, these are NAVAL aliens who are only interested in a battle at sea.
Q: Is this a joke or something?
A: Nope. In fact, the AV Club review snarkily notes that the movie ensures “that the Hasbro brand is treated with the proper gravitas”
Q: Did they get real actors for this thing?
A: Nope! Just Rihanna!
Q: WAT?
A: Yup. Rihanna plays a major part as one of the crew members of the battleship that has to fight the aliens.
Q: Holy crap.
A: To be fair, she is joined by other, more legit actors, including Liam Neeson, Alexander Sarsgaard and, in the lead, Taylor Kitsch, who is rapidly burning through all that Tim Riggins goodwill that he built up.
Q: This is so ridiculous. What's next? A Monopoly movie? A film based on the Ouija board?
A: Haha, yeah that'd be pretty wacky. Incidentally, maybe you shouldn't click these links.
Q: What? Are those links to, like, news stories about how Ridley Scott is making a Monopoly movie and Universal signed a producer to may a Ouija movie?
A: Uh...pretty much. Oh, and I forgot this one about Candy Land.
Q: What is wrong with everyone?
A: So much.
Q: And why are you so upbeat about this whole thing?
A: Because its hilarious. The movie's own existence is as pure a critique of the creative problems currently plaguing Hollywood as anything anyone can possibly say.
Q: What?
A: Well, these days, to get a movie greenlit, it pretty much needs to be based on a recognizable brand. But the problem is that there aren't enough brands to go around. So after you work your way through Harry Potter and Spider-Man, where do you go? Well, you get more and more desperate until, eventually, you come to in the board game aisle at Toys 'R Us and, suddenly, the idea of a Battleship movie makes an odd amount of sense because, what else are you going to do? Hire a producer, writer, and director to make up their own idea?
Q: So has director Peter Berg done anything wacky during the press tour?
A: Well, he only accused an Israeli reporter of dodging the draft and started ranting about Israel.
Q: So, obviously, you know what I'm about to ask here.
A: Indeed I do, but ask it anyway.
Q: Does Liam Neeson say “you sunk my battleship?”
A: Well, first of all, MAJOR SPOILERS follow. Do not read this if you don't want the entire movie ruined for you.
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You still there?
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Are you sure you want to read this?
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Okay, according to director Peter Berg, NO ONE SAYS IT.
Q: What????
A: I know.
Q: This is a total disaster
A: There was literally no other reason to see this movie.
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