At SportsOlogy, we love Bryce Harper. Don't get me wrong, we hate him too, but boy do we love him. I can't believe this guy is real. So talented, and yet so douchy.
But there is much that we don't know about him. Though his Major League career isn't yet two weeks old, Harper has been on SportsOlogy's radar for a long time -- way back in the days when he was cursing out minor league umpires and driving outrageous trucks.
Our crack reporting staff has just concluded a three-month investigation in which we have unearthed many little-known facts about the Washington Nationals' golden boy. So here, they are, 25 things you didn't know about Bryce Harper:
- Instead of wood, Bryce Harper only swings bats made out of human femurs. Preferably, of pitchers.
- Bryce Harper is Cole Hamels father.
- And he also had sex with Cole Hamels’ wife.
- And girlfriend.
- Bryce Harper forged the age on his birth certificate.
- He's only 14.
- Jamie Moyer occasionally asks Bryce Harper for career advice.
- Bryce Harper was beaned six days into his first tee ball season.
- Scientists use extracts of Bryce Harper’s testosterone to make performance-enhancing drugs.
- Though Bryce Harper claims you can get the same performance-enhancing benefits simply by fellating him.
- And it’s totally clean.
- Your drug test, that is.
- When Bryce Harper takes batting practice, he shags his own fly balls.
- And he doesn’t tear his ACL.
- Because he doesn’t have any ACLs.
- When it rains at Nationals Ballpark, they use Bryce Harper’s foreskin as a tarp.
- And he’s circumcised.
- Before exiting the womb, Bryce Harper’s son got a tattoo of him.
- Cole Hamels has a Bryce Harper tattoo on his lower back.
- In the time it takes a pitch to leave a pitcher’s hand and reach home plate, Bryce Harper actually falls asleep, wakes back up, and then decides whether to swing or not.
- Bryce Harper batted 1.367 in high school.
- Chuck Norris told Bryce Harper that he’s a pretty good ball-player.
- Bryce Harper’s excrements smell like cake batter.
- Bryce Harper endorses Coke AND Pepsi.
- Netflix pays Bryce Harper $8 a month to watch him play.
Jon Wasserman and Anthony Schneck also contributed to this report.
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Follow Bison Messink on Twitter: @BisonMessink
Follow SportsOlogy on Twitter: @OlogySports
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