Newt Gingrich, the moon colonizing, idea shotgunning, no-TelePrompTer-needing, three-wife having one man filibuster machine and the most qualified human to ever run for President, is totally not quitting the GOP primary, at all, in any way. Having clearly and decisively won third place, he will continue to campaign as a "citizen." Also, a source close to the Gingrich operation says he will be suspending his campaign this week. But he's NOT QUITTING, and he's certainly not doing it because he's only won two states, both of which suck, is almost losing in delegates to a Fed-frothing Keebler Elf, has received fewer than half the votes of a guy who never even got ejected from his role as House Speaker, and is $4 million in debt. And if he did quit—which he's totally not doing—it would absolutely not cause a ginormous aneurysm of congitive dissonance in which Gingrich's entire ontology exploded out of his ears. We're talking about a 12-time bestselling author here. He's literally had 16 books on the bestseller list, which is almost 20. Do you have 30 bestselling books to your name? And guess what, nerds? Newt Gingrich received 2.4 million votes in the past four months, which is 2.4 million more than any of you punks ever got. How many delegates do you have? Huh? MAYBE YOU SHOULD SUSPEND YOUR CAMPAIGN. Jerks.
No. No, it's not going to end like this. You know who else once ran a totally-successful-in-every-way-but-actually campaign? Ronald M-FING Reagan, that's who. 1976, bitches, and he turned around four years later and took that peanut farmer DOWN. So, you're welcome, America, for the privilege of watching Newt Gingrich's complete and total victory of the 2016 presidential election. Newt Gingrich isn't in third place, he's in first place of the future. On the moon, he's already won.
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