A Newt Gingrich/Rick Perry ticket?!
Such were the rumors wafting through the intertwitterblogosphere Sunday night. Not much came of the story—it was, depending on whom you asked, completely false, just an idea passed around the Gingrich campaign, or a deliberate float to shore up Newt’s support in the southern states voting today.
It’s not a bad idea, provided Gingrich doesn’t actually plan on winning the nomination, which I don’t think he ever did. Perry would give Gingrich Texas, which comes with enough delegates to make him matter at the convention, and would append to his campaign the actual outside-DC status that Gingrich so mendaciously claims to possess.
Unfortunately, Perry has a fish tank for a brain, and will one day have to answer for the $28 billion deficit his state has run up despite $4 billion in cuts to education. So while he’s busy doing that, here are some other running mates Newt might want to consider to grab the southern vote.
1. Roger Clemens
Upside: Clemens is one of the most successful pitchers of all time, and despite doing most of that for Yankee teams, including the actual Yankees, he calls Houston home, and ended his career pitching for the Astros. Clemens is a dutiful conservative, giving money to Republican presidential candidates, but more important, he became an anti-government martyr when indicted for perjury over his statements about steroid use; a mistrial was declared after prosecutorial error, making the entire thing look like a Kafkaesque waste of a man’s time and taxpayer money. If you want someone who has a bone to pick with an oversized government punishing successful rich men, look no further than the Rocket. The man also has no problem playing hardball—he once pitched inside to his son—and he’s also an accidental poet.
Downside: He’s a dick.
2. Louis Gohmert
Upside: Texas Congressman Louis Gohmert is Rick Perry distilled to his pure form, the grain alcohol to Perry’s well liquor. Gohmert was out in front of the terror babies theory, can concoct a wicked Obama-is-a-Muslim theory off the cuff on national television, and, like all good conservatives, has his own unique brand of gay marriage talk. He also punked Obama on the American Jobs Act, stealing the President’s bill name before Obama got around to filing it. With Gohmert running around spouting off about domestic policy and the choicest anti-Obama theories, Gingrich can stick to his high-concept moon colonization plans, staging him as the most visionary of all the GOP candidates.
Downside: He makes Michelle Bachmann look sane.
3. Chuck Norris
Upside: Well, you want to win this thing, or not? Norris, who backed Mike Huckabee last time around, is already on Newt Gingrich’s website, looking as dangerous as the other people on the banner only think they do, and he’s currently making robocalls for Gingrich ahead of the southern primaries. He’s an actor, which is actually more of a connection to Ronald Reagan than most right wing candidates have. And he’s been thoroughly vetted.
Downside: Ever seen “Walker, Texas Ranger?” It’s like “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” for men.
4. R. Allen Stanford
Upside: Gingrich desperately needs to reaffirm his faith to gospel of wealth, and what better way to do that than with a man being imprisoned for making $7,000,000,000? Granted, R. Allen Stanford ran a Ponzi scheme, for which he was just indicted, but a good spin campaign can just turn that into unnecessary government regulation of wealth. Plus, Gingrich’s campaign has thus far been funded by one wealthy man, so imagine what he could pull off with two wealthy men.
Downside: At $7 billion, Stanford would make Mitt Romney the scrappy, blue-collar underdog.
5. David Allen Coe
Upside: This is a last ditch effort, but Coe is the unofficial poet-warrior of the south, and his “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” is the national anthem of people who use the phrase The War of Northern Aggression unironically. Coe is well-versed in all overt and covert southern codes, which should jive nicely with Newt’s habit of blowing racist dog whistles.
Downside: Literally everything about David Allen Coe is absolutely terrifying.
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