DadBoner had a really great Super Bowl weekend, you guys. When we last left our hero, he was making some crazy McGriddle BMs in the Micky D's bathroom and ruining his chances with a babe. The good news is that the Super Bowl is a time for all Americans to come together and celebrate by drinking about a thousand beers, and Karl Welzein certainly did his part to honor the USA. As he eloquently put it: "America, you guys. Take your goddamn hats off for this beautiful lady."
We begin, however, with sad news: Soul Train founder Don Cornelius' suicide rocked Peanut and Karl's world, but Welzein felt it was the right thing to do to pound some Crown and Diets to help Peanut get over the loss. "Gettin' hammered with Peanut. It's the right thing to do. Bet no other white people from work are respectin Don C right now. Had to step up," Karl said, and boy did he step up. He stepped up so much that he called Ann 27 times looking for his Soul Train collection.
But this loss wasn't going to prevent DadBoner from celebrating the biggest holiday of the year, which obviously lasts all weekend. You can't honor America in just one day, you guys. Karl had a whole shopping list ready: ice, cold ones, shrimp platter (VIPs only), Lil' Smokies, full chip spread, and fixins' for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship Dip. It's gonna be a great weekend.
After putting some major dents in the cold ones on Friday night -- Karl says, "If you wanna have a rockin Super Bowl Celebraish, ya gotta tear it up the Fri & Sat before. Go all out. You play how you practice, you guys." -- the party keeps rockin'. Karl and Dave have the brilliant idea to take some cold ones to the store while they shop for cold ones, but some kid at the store gives them crap. Some people are just corncobs who don't understand America. When the store manager confronts them, Welzein shuts him down with a terse, "Grocery manager asked why we had koozies if we weren't drinkin' beers. I said, 'Dunno, why do cowboys have holsters, corncob?'"
When they return home, Karl treats us to a recipe for Captain Karl's Supreme Pizza Dip. You'll just have to head over to his feed if you want to discover how to create bold flavors on your own. That's a lot of writing, you guys.
Just when the Super Bowl celebraish is about to get off the chain, Karl remembers he has to call Ann back. Unfortunately it's bad news; Ann's filing for divorce, which is so selfish of her. "Women like to time bad news like 'Filin for divorce' to ruin things like the Super Bowl. I'll show her. Take the celebraish off the chain!"
DadBoner follows up this news with a Super Bowl celebraish for the ages, one that escalates when the weed comes out at halftime. "Dave's breakin' out a little grass from his 'secret stash.' Really kick up the halftime to the next level. Peanut's raisin' the roof." Clint Eastwood and his Chrysler commercial make Dave feel even better about the day; as he puts it, "Holy shit. Clint Eastwood givin' all us proud Americans a feel good on Detroit. On America. I just don't have the...you guys. God bless us."
Then the shot contest begins. This is getting out of control you guys. Fortunately, Karl wins: "9 to 6! Dave's abarfed! I won it. I woen the shots! Ha! Caue stone Cold Karal Welzein said so!!"
The next morning arrives and Karl's found himself in his neighbor's Grand Am, apparently having barfed all over it. No work for Welzein, though, because as he points out, "If you went to work today, man, you gotta be one of the biggest kiss asses in town, pal."
DadBoner's day off brings us to our DadBoner Tweet of the Week: "Super Bowl Monday is the time when we reflect on how blessed we are to live in a country where you can live so hard that you wanna die."
So true. We leave Karl Welzein as he embarks on a new single lifestyle, and we couldn't be happier for it. We're all really blessed, you guys.
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