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DadBoner Twitter Recap: Peanut Is Lost And Found

DadBoner had a really great weekend, you guys. So great, in fact, that Captain Karl had a pretty big scare when Peanut disappeared after a big celebraish, only to miraculously turn up on MLK Day.

When we last caught up with our hero, Karl Welzein, he was thinking of moving out of the crib and becoming a writer. Karl has had some good times with his roommate Dave and with Peanut, the homeless man they've taken in, but Welzein was beginning to wonder if they were holding him back.

Well nothing was going to hold DadBoner back this week, you guys.

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Turns out, Karl is quite the scribe. In his first of what will surely be many great works, he wrote a scathing review of Dr. Pepper TEN, the new diet pop that is "not for women."

"Dr. Pepper TEN turns off babes? So stupid," @DadBoner tweets. "I don't want no part of a cold beverage that makes 'em hit the bricks. You wanna keep 'em comin."

Karl then sent his review to Esquire, along with a letter to go along with it. The review must have been a big hit, you guys, since Karl got word back on his "personal email" that the review had been forwarded along to the Esquire editors. And that was reason for a big weekend celebraish.

"Gonna really shove my success in Dave's stupid face," Welzein shared Friday via Twitter. "Peanut was the only one who supported me. Takin' him out to get loose tonight!"

Welzein said that the celebraish would include "top shelf everything. The works," ansd vowed that "If a house gets in my way, baby. You know I'll burn it down, you guys."

Onliest problem was that the next day, Saturday, Peanut was missing and Karl couldn't recollect what happened.

"Hope he's not dead," DadBoner tweeted. "It'd really ruin the weekend."

According to Dave, when DadBoner got home that night he made a DiGiorno "unpizza," flushing the crust down the toilet "for health." He then wrote the lyrics to "Highway to the Peener Zone" on the john door, then laughed so hard he threw up the unpizza.

DadBoner was really worried about Peanut, and thought he might be frozen somewhere, even though he wasn't sure if that was possible to freeze when you're filled with liquor. Karl went out looking for him, and made not one but two walks around the block to find him because "when a pal might be frozen dead, you gotta make the extra effort."

Welzein couldn't find Peanut, so he made some fishsticks and called off the search until after the NFL playoff games. But something happened during those NFL playoff games, you guys. Something divine. 

It all started when Dave said that Tim Tebow "isn't into babes. His main squeeze is Jesus." Karl was impressed that the Church had become so tolerant and open-minded. But then Tebow and the Broncos got crushed by the Patriots, and Karl said that "Tim Tebow shoulda started prayin' earlier instead of just when he gets somethin' he wants. The Big Man don't like fair weather worshippin'."

Still, the day was a religious epiphany for DadBoner, you guys. After searching unsuccessfully for Peanut at Taco Bell, Karl came home and, according to the @DadBoner Tweet of the Week, "asked Dave if he wanted to say some prayers for Peanut before bed. He said 'Nah. That's gay.' And went to in his room. So selfish."

"Prayin's the easiest way to get somethin done without tryin in real life," Karl said as a follow-up. "Whether you're poor and lazy, or just lookin' for a homeless pal."

Well the prayin' worked, because when Karl woke up the next morning, and there was "Homeless Peanut was layin in front of the door. It's an MLK Day miracle!"

Karl asked Peanut where he had been, and Peanut said "Just chillin', K-Money." Peanut said that they had been at Applebee's, and Karl wandered off talking about "some Jamie Lee lady's big breastesses."

"Peanut thought I was 'goin to lay the pipe' and didn't want to get in the way of my 'K-Money mack mode,' Karl tweeted. "So polite and thoughtful."

According to Welzein, "Peanut got out of payin' at 'Bee's by wettin his pants & talkin bout 'fires' til they kicked him out. He's smarter than he looks."

With Peanut back in the fold, Karl wanted to have an extra special MLK Day celebraish for him, since it was "pretty much the black Thanksgiving." 

Not wanting to assume anything ("it's racist"), Welzein asked Peanut if he wanted some KFC. 

"KFC?" Peanut replied. "OOOWEEEE! K-Money comin' correct with The Colonel!"

So Karl and Peanut enjoyed some KFC together (not Dave, because Karl "can't feed the whole neighborhood"), and DadBoner purchased all different colors of Mad Dog fortified wine to commemorate the great diversity of the American Mosaic on MLK Day. In the end, it turned into a great MLK Day, and DadBoner made sure to reach an olive branch out to African-Americans.

"It's important for whites to do at least one nice thing for blacks today," he tweeted. "Like holdin a door or makin eye contact that says, 'I'm so sorry.'"

So glad to see everything worked out, you guys. Was really worried about Peanut there for awhile. Let's hope there's more good news coming for Captain Karl as his Dr. Pepper TEN review makes its way out into the world.

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