Who run the world? Girls. Or at least, they run the world of beauty, talent and poise. It’s time for the Miss America Pageant.

I know what you’re thinking. “Leah, you’re an intelligent lady. Why are you wasting your brain cells and time watching the Miss America Pageant?” Well folks, I love me a good reality show. And if there’s anything Miss Congeniality taught me, it’s that beauty pageants are more than a parade of Barbie-like bodies and insincere smiles. I just can’t remember off the top of my head.

From Monday through Thursday, contestants competed in the preliminary round where the judges scored them talent, various ensembles, and Q&A. There top notch judges included  Mark Ballas, Raul De Molina, Mike Fleiss, Kris Jenner, Terry Polo (can we talk about her awkward bicep tatoo), Chris Powell, and Lara Spencer. Seriously, has the Miss America Pageant Become so irrelevant that they have to seek out G-Listers. Well minus Jenner of course.  Like seriously folks. Find some judges I actually know / care about!

So let’s get started.

15 Semi-Finalist

After a strip routine style dance and the cheesy introductions, it’s time to announce the top 15.
Miss Oklahoma, Betty Thompson
Miss South Carolina, Bree Boyce  (she lost 115 pounds prior to her pageant days)
Miss Florida, Kristina Janolo
Miss New York, Kaitlin Monte
Miss Iowa, Jessica Pray
Miss Texas, Kendall Morris
Miss Virginia, Elizabeth Crot
Miss Illinois, Hannah Smith (she actually did the hand wave and tears)
Miss Arizona, Jennifer Sedler
Miss Alabama, Courtney Porter
Miss Tennessee, Erin Hatley
Miss Wisconsin, Lauren Kaeppeler (she had a parent in jail. Holy s*it!)
Miss North Carolina, Haley Best
Miss Caloifornia, Noelle Freeman
Miss Louisiana, Hope Anderson

Fail judges! How could you forget Miss Rhode Island?! Ok, I can’t even pretend to care. It’s time for the swimsuit and the ladies parade around in red, white and black itsy bitsy bikinis. BTW: This counts for 20 percent of their score. Really? A fifth of the points are based on how their bodies look in a bathing suit. That’s so effing stupid! Miss South Carolina all ready pissesd me off my saying she lost 115 pounds just to be on the stage. I mean, I admire her for dropping so much weight, but implying that she had to lose weight to be in Miss America sends a horrible message to little girl. She’s basically reinforcing the stereotype that pageants are solely image base. Way to go dumba*s!

I honestly can’t watch this because seeing their bones freak me out, and I don’t want to feel bad about my average height and weight.

Top 12. . or 13

Miss Louisiana
Miss Iowa
Miss Illinois
Miss South Carolina
Miss New York
Miss Wisconsin
Miss Florida
Miss Tennessee
Miss Arizona
Miss Texas
Miss California
Miss Oklahoma

But don’t worry for the three losers. The 41 rejects get to vote for one of them to get back in the game. The ladies are told to stand behind the person they want to see re-enter the pageant. That’s an easy way to make an enemy. The ladies stand and vote for . . . Miss Alabama. Congrats girl!

Time for the evening wear portion of, well, the evening. Another 20 percent devoted to looking pretty. Seriously some of these dresses are nicer that my prom dress. It's just not fair! But the girls do look gorgeous in their sparkles and slits (which are super high cut).  

But the parade of red, white and black (shouldn't it be blue for patriotism purposes) only last for a few minutes, as they rush to the talent competition. finally, something worth watching. 

Ten Talent-ist

Only ten of the ladies have been selected to perform in the talent portion of the night. Unfortunately, they won't know wich ten until after they change into their outfits and get their hopes up. Sad to watch the spirit crushing, but love to watch some baton twirling. 

Miss Arizona: A jazz dance which, as a fellow dancer, impresses me, but her lip syching annoys me. 
Miss Illinois: A pointe-robot routine that freaks the f*ck out of me. Her fish face only adds to the creepiness. 
Miss Oklahoma: An Irish step-dance that is pretty freaking cool. Not to mentions that s*it is complicated.
Miss Texas:  She tickles the ivories with a musical track in the background. Weird, right?
Miss Wisconsin: For a tiny girl can belt out some opera. Mind blown. 
Miss New York: She sings a song about Disneyland. Some one's trying to win over the network.
Miss Louisiana: That's the sluttiest contemporary dance I've ever seen. Although I'm sure Mark Ballas loves it. 
Miss Tennessee: Kills it with a performance of "Memories" from Cats.
Miss Iowa: Great rendition of "You Raise Me Up." But is it just me or is that a Jesus song?
Miss California: She rocks a Black Swan style outfit which creeps me out. But her dance was amazing!

Final Five

Time for the Q&A!  contestants have 20 seconds to answer, which doesn't seem like enough time but whatevs. 

Miss Wisconsin: She avoids answering her question on whether Miss America should be allowed to declare her political party. I think she said no. . . 
Miss Oklahoma: When asked whether the government should enforce health initiatives, she says parents should teach their children healthy eating habits, not the government.
Miss Arizona: Kris Jenner asks if celebs should be forcing their faith on others (aka Tim Tebow). She says you should be strong about your faith, but if you're affiliated with an organization, you can't force it on others. Smart answer chica. 
Miss New York: She's asked to find a solution to Occupy Wall Street. How the f*ck should she know if our own government doesn't?! 
Miss California: Mark Ballas asks her what she thinks about Teen Mom, a show that glorifies teen pregnancy. Since she's an American, she admits that she loves it. 

The Winner Circle

4th Runner Up: Miss California
3rd Runner Up: Miss Arizona
2nd Runner Up: Miss New York

and the winner is. . . 

MISS WISCONSIN. Her incarcerated parent must be proud. 

Yes there are tears and yes there are OMGs. What would you expect from a teenager. . .

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Leftovers

“Tim Tebow makes me believe in magic.” – Miss Colorado

“Come enjoy our crabs.” – Miss Maryland

Miss Delaware claims her state is the small wonder. Umm sorry bitch but that title goes to Rhode Island!

Anyone else think there were too many political references? Occupy Wall Street. Primaries. Deficit.

Can someone remind me of the age range for competitors? They all look like they're 16!

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Who do you think deserved Miss America?

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Follow Leah Rocketto on Twitter: @LRocketto

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