Hi, there. Welcome to Nu-Metal Time Machine. Each Wednesday morning, I’ll be digging through the trunk of my car for all of the post-grunge, alternative metal, and rap-rock stinkers that time forgot.
This week’s nu-metal fodder comes from Florida band Cold, whose April 2003 single “Stupid Girl” managed to crack the Billboard Top 100 with its asinine looks and shameless pop hooks, co-written by none other than Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo. The music video, directed by (500) Days Of Summer and The Amazing Spider-Man filmmaker Marc Webb, features, as I’m sure you all remember, the band performing on what looks like a freezing cold school campus. Meanwhile, a handful of dudes can’t seem to figure out why their girlfriends have left them (more on that in a moment).
Personally, I have a hard time taking any heavy metal band seriously with a lead singer named Scooter. But funny names aside, let’s take a look at some of the deep, thought-provoking poetry that went into this hit single:
Wanna love you Wanna bug you Wanna squeeze you Stupid girl
She’s going away What’s wrong with my life today?
Well, for one thing, you look like a third-rate James Bond villain.
Seriously, the entire message of this song can be boiled down into something like this:
You want to break up with me? Well, you’re dumb. So there!
…which makes Cold’s “Stupid Girl” easily one of the most asinine breakup songs ever recorded. Frankly, I think the “Girl” in question comes off looking pretty good. She probably woke up one morning and said to herself, “I’m dating an Azerbaijani terrorist named Scooter who sings in a nu-metal band and writes lyrics that make Dr. Seuss read like T.S. Eliot. I’d better ditch him before he writes a dumb song about me with that dude from Weezer.”
Fellas, let this be a lesson to you—while there are plenty of stupid girls out there, simply breaking up with your sorry ass does not, in and of itself, signify a low level of intelligence. More likely, you just kind of sucked.
By the way, Cold’s new album is called Superfiction and is available in stores and on iTunes now.
Be sure to check back next Wednesday, when the Nu-Metal Time Machine takes a trip back to July 2001 for a look at P.O.D.’s “Alive”. See you then!
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