I apologize for the delay in publication of the final
SportsOlogy Book Club, but I ran into some somnambulism problems and had to
place the book on hold temporarily. I respect Oprah even more for her book
club, because man, book clubs are really a pain in the ass. Especially if you do them
chapter by chapter. Regrets? Sure, I have a few, but none of them involve
reading Those Guys Have All the Fun,
the oral history of ESPN by Jim Miller and Tom Shales. We’ve had prostitution,
boozing, bickering, and the business of building a television empire, all packed
within approximately 750 pages of personal accounts on the Worldwide Leader. I learned
how to read specifically so I could read this book, but the good news for me is
that I hear there are other good books out there as well. Hooray!
Here we are at the end. Everything has changed. Nothing has
changed. We are here and now. It’s chapter eight, called “Parade of Horribles:
2009 and Beyond.” BOOOOOM goes the dynamite.
Previous chapters here! Check out everything you missed!
Recap
The thing about recent history and the internet era is that everybody
remembers what happened. We’ll try to spare you the gory details of the
banalities that have occurred in the ESPN world over the past two years, but we
must adhere to our policy of recapping.
With that in mind, we begin the chapter with Scott Van Pelt
pissing off Bud Selig. Uh oh. Next, President Obama fills out a bracket.
Peter Gammons conducts a sh*tty interview with Alex
Rodriguez that Peter Gammons insist was actually a good interview. ESPN thanks
him by not re-signing him when he asks for the ability to work from home part
of the time. MLB threatens ESPN, and we hear from a bunch of the baseball guys
at ESPN on how ESPN is great, how it’s tough to do life TV.
We then receive the treat of a section on Stephen A. Smith,
which is more than we ever wanted to hear about Stephen A. Smith. Thankfully,
ESPN editor-in-chief Rob King does the public a favor and chooses not to renew
Stephen A.’s contract because he was getting stretched too thin with his
columns, TV show, and radio work. Thank god.
We hear more about how none of the football guys like Tony
Kornheiser, especially Chris Berman, who was pissed at Kornheiser for
perpetuating an internet myth that he used the pickup line “You’re with me,
Leather,” on a woman in a bar. Tirico also hates Kornheiser—though he claims he
doesn’t—because he doesn’t believe in entertainment during Monday Night Football. Bill Simmons throws in his two cents and
criticizes Tirico. John Gruden ends up becoming available, and Kornheiser is
let go to the relief of everyone involved.
ESPN doesn’t cover Ben Roethlisberger’s civil suit (before
the rape accusations) because they allegedly don’t report on allegations not
involving a police investigation. Right.
We move on to the Erin Andrews peep hole video, which
offends pretty much everybody involved. Michelle Beadle makes some nebulous comments
which appear to suggest that Erin Andrews benefited from the video in some way.
Andrews confronts the horror of the video and comes back stronger than ever.
Speaking of Beadle, she’s basically the Second Coming of Jesus
Christ if you would believe what people say about her. SportsNation is a hit.
Now we return to the salacious stuff. Steve Phillips gets
himself fired for having a relationship with a young PA. When Deadspin editor
AJ Daulerio calls ESPN to ask if the rumor is true, he’s told it’s not.
Obviously Daulerio is pissed when the New
York Post scoops him a few weeks later, so he decides to fire back by
publishing every bit of “horndoggery” rumors he can grab. Fight lies with lies.
Anywho, this indirectly leads to the firing of two upper management types who
had followed the rules ESPN laid out for them. These rules do not include
adherence to marital vows, since one of the parties was married. Oh well.
Bill Simmons gets suspended for attacking ESPN radio guys
via Twitter.
Kornheiser gets fined/suspended for criticizing Hannah
Storm’s wardrobe. More discussion of sartorial selections ensues.
ESPN nails coverage of the 2010 World Cup. Everyone loves
it. Then, out of nowhere, “The Decision” happens. Almost everyone has a
schizophrenic take on it, pointing out that it was a huge ratings success as
well as a pile of horsesh*t that destroyed the city of Cleveland. Jim Gray, of
course, stands by his performance, minus his question about LeBron’s
nail-biting habit.
ESPN’s 30 for 30
documentary film series to celebrate the 30th anniversary of ESPN
was a huge success.
We end the tale of ESPN with generic talk of the workplace
environment, how things have changed, and how the Worldwide Leader is the
greatest place in the world. It’s unstoppable at this point, and it looks as
though the network will see success for the next thirty years. Fade to black.
Reaction
Like I said, the history feels too close to home to pique my
interest significantly. Do I really care
that Bill Simmons was suspended because he bashed some guys who were bashing
him? No, especially since the guys he bashed don’t speak up in the book. This
chapter does not expand the way in which I understand ESPN; the anchors
typically give standard answers, and even more fiery personalities like Tony
Kornheiser and the aforementioned Simmons appear as we already knew them. There
are no surprises.
In that way, though, this chapter serves as a victory lap
for ESPN. The Worldwide Leader worried for years about creating “stars” out of
their talent. Now they have anchors who do their jobs well and inject their own
personalities into it, but they are in no danger of becoming true celebrities.
Even Chris Berman, who once was the greatest threat to the ideals of ESPN
regarding anchors, has become persona non
grata in the sports blogosphere. If anything, his continued existence further
vindicates ESPN’s policy against starmaking.
Overall, the book falls short of being a great read. It
always entertains, and it always moves quickly, but the origins of ESPN begin
the book on such a high note that the rest of the story doesn’t hold up. One of
the problems with the narrative is that it often feels rushed and disjointed.
It’s impossible to cover everything
that’s happened at ESPN, but instead of focusing on one or two important threads—which
is typically what happened in the first few chapters—the second half of the
book jumps around to cover everything. There’s not that much controversy. It’s
a tightly run ship, and at this point the culture is so strong that even minor
scandals like the Salisbury dick pic and the Harold Reynolds firing. Perhaps
the interview most indicative of ESPN’s current status was that of President
Barack Obama, who gave a typically good-natured but carefully worded speech. In
the end, ESPN really doesn’t want anyone having too much fun, for they fear
that fun will foretell the fall of their empire.
Top Villain
STEPHEN A. SMITH!!!!!!!!! For obvious reasons. Thank God
that when other villain Mark Shapiro left to work for super-villain Dan Snyder,
the saner minds at ESPN decided not to renew Stephen A’s contract. We are
eternally grateful. Unfortunately, he’s made his way back NOT to start rumors about LeBron James’ personal life.
Top Heroes
John Skipper. Thank you for doing a great job with the 2010
World Cup. Soccer fans everywhere are grateful.
Favorite Quotes
“When it comes to covering the NBA, I feel I’m the best.” –Stephen
A. Smith, demonstrating his wildly delusional nature.
“Once in Minnesota, the big grand poo-bah stood there and
lectured me, screaming at me about how great he was, how significant he was,
how he built the network, and how I ought to be more grateful.” –Tony Kornheiser
explaining one of the many times Chris Berman was a yuge asshole to him.
“They just disappear. Like the Mafia!” –George Solomon,
discussing ESPN’s policy against on-air discussions of anchors or other talent
who are fired or leave.
“She looked fabulous but it was such a violation.” –Michelle
Beadle reallllly giving the worst
kind of backhanded compliment to Erin Andrews. Don’t f*ck with Erin Andrews,
Michelle!
SumOlogy: For a
book like this to be released to the public and to top the New York Times Bestseller List is an indication of how far the editorial
standards of publication have fallen. The book is not a bad book; in fact, it’s
quite an entertaining read. The story of ESPN's early history is worth telling, and we learned much about the business and development of cable television. But when you look at the current internet culture,
which values immediacy over quality, you can understand how some of the more
mundane writing errors we experience daily made their way into the published version of Those Guys Have All the Fun. This very
column no doubt is riddled with mistakes, and that’s because it goes on the
internet with the immediacy the internet demands. I expect a higher standard
from Little, Brown publishers, whose Executive Vice President and Publisher,
Michael Pietsch, edited David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest! That should mean that I don’t have to read about “Jim
Nance” (really Jim Nantz) or the movie Jerry
McGuire (Jerry Maguire). Yes, the
book is entertaining, especially the first half about the creation of ESPN.
Ultimately, however, this book embarrasses Little, Brown, not because the
overall quality of writing is bad, but because they should hold themselves to a
higher standard of editorial work. The saddest part about the errors is that
the book still sold remarkably well, and we’ll surely see the paperback edition
do the same. Content over quality has made its way to the world of print
publishing, although we suppose that to a certain extent that’s the way it’s
always been. Just look at Frances Burney’s Evelina.
Oh, we’ll quit our moralizing. We can barely write as it is.
Go buy the book! Jim Miller has admitted already to its inadequacies on
virtually all of the 1,349 interviews he did (none of which was with
SportsOlogy).
Follow Anthony Schneck
on Twitter: @AnthonyOlogy
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