Yesterday, the apocalypse happened. And it happened where I always said it would. On Facebook.
Unless your only Facebook friends are your grandparents and the creepy trailer person you may or may not have hooked up with that drunken night, there's a good chance your news feed was ejaculating with an overload of Astrology-related statuses. It was like a Facebook version of the black-and-white moment where everyone realizes that F*CKING GODZILLA IS COMING. Except Godzilla is a bunch of zodiac signs, and the black-and-white people running and screaming were all your friends. In other words, idiots.
I decided to investigate this (because unfortunately, keeping nutjobs under control is a job that apparently only Ology can handle) and learned that this Gawker article is among the many that caused this worldwide panic. It outlines a brand new zodiac calendar due to a change in the Earth's rotational axis, one with largely different zodiac dates, and even a 13th sign. Go figure.
If you're interested, these new dates are as follows:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.
Naturally, the world collapsed. People started eating pigeons, planes flew off track into outer space, Lindsay Lohan stopped doing drugs and looked up. Gasp! What if you were following a lie your entire life that only turned out to be another lie?! The horror!
But here's the catch: this has nothing to do with Western astrology. It's not even close to related to our zodiac. The zodiac that we use - the "tropical zodiac" - is related to seasons, not consellations or the rotation of the Earth's axis. So it's fixed to a time frame, which means if you care enough to call yourself a Libra, don't try and crash Twitter again. You're still a Libra.
And here's the other catch, and why no one should be freaking out: Astrology is stupid.