Jersey Shore recap: Season 2, episode 13 (season finale): "Back Into the Fold" (10/21/10)
You know, I have this face I make whenever I'm just completely dumbfounded by something I just saw. I tend to tilt my head to one side, squint my eyes, and my mouth twists into some sort of screwed expression. And I have never made the Side Screw Face more times in one hour than while watching the Jersey Shore finale. Seriously ... I'm going to count the ways this show just blew my mind. Excuse my language, but you have GOT to be f*cking joking with me.
The kids go to the everglades to check out the "crocadillys" and Sitch throws fried frogs at Jenni. That's all good and normal guido hijinks. Pauly D and Vinny both have their last dates with their whores they're trying to make into women. And neither of them try to smush. Who are these people?
Now. Listen up. I've always tended to side with Sammi with the whole Sam-Ron dilemma, but after last night I just don't think I can anymore. Not with my Side Screw Face in full effect. Because out of nowhere, as Ronnie says, "Mr. Hyde came out to play."
THE ABBREVIATED DINNER (with Sammi's actual quotes and Ronnie's ad-libbed reactions)
--- silence. ---
SAMMI - "You got weird."
RONNIE grunts.
SAMMI - "Let me make this clear to you. I like to be with my boyfriend at all times. Do you get that?"
RONNIE bends over. SAMMI puts on leash.
SAMMI - "You're miserable."
RONNIE drools.
--- silence. ---
Let me just show you what my face was doing that entire time:
I was clearly losing it. But that's okay; I got over it. Sammi makes some weak apology and Ronnie obeys, Vinny turns down threesomes, Sitch is making dirty bathroom hookup smushing happen and I feel like everything's going to be cool from here on out. I even got over the whole bit where Sammi's being super fake to Snooki because clearly Snooki is Lord and Sammi is just being a peasant like the rest of them. "I was like ... WHO IS THIS GIRL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER." Thanks for fixing my Side Screw Face and saying it before it I did.
Then once I got done with Sammi, I had another silly rabbit on my hands. You know it's not a good episode unless Mike starts some drama, but my dukes are up and I'm ready for it ... or so I thought. Here's how it all goes down in a neat and ordered list.
1) MIKE tries to say that VINNY is the fakest one in the house.
2) JENNI says to MIKE in front of everyone that he is the fakest one in the house.
3) JENNI leaves. MIKE says that JENNI is the fakest one in the house. NO ONE ELSE SAYS ANYTHING.
4) SNOOKI tells JENNI that MIKE says she's the fakest one in the house and everyone agreed.
5) JENNI goes to MIKE and says that PAULY was the one who said MIKE was fake.
6) MIKE tells PAULY that JENNI said that PAULY said that MIKE was the fakest one in the house.
7) PAULY BECOMES THE FRICKIN' HULK.
Side. Screw. Face.
The worst part of it all is that at the end, Snooki is the one crying. My po' li'l mandarin leaks all over the place and freaks out (rightfully so, to a degree) on Jenni for making her look like an idiot. What I don't understand is that everyone realizes that Mike is the cause of all the drama and no one does anything about it! I'm waiting for the episode where Mike gets punched out by a dude. Looks like I'm waiting till Season 3. I'm playing tiddlywinks until January 6th.
Best Quotes Of The Night
Disclaimer: I couldn't pick a winner. They're all just ... incredible.
PAULY D - "That airboat was serious. Like, the propeller was huge. I mean, that would work better than my hairdryer. Maybe instead of 25 minutes to do my hair it would only take me ten."
SITCH - "Bugs in the everglades are huge. They're about the size of Snooki."
VINNY - "Sometimes you mix two grenades ... it might make one good-looking girl."
VINNY - "Definitely was thinking about Ramona when these hoes were all over me. When you actually have a good girl out there, say no to hoes."
SNOOKI - "If you want me to cook and poision everybody and we're gonna be dead in 2 minutes ... whatever."
PAULY - "The hamburger meat looks like Vinny's chest hair."
PAULY - "How do you spell 'likely'?"
SNOOKI - "A crow comes and just starts quacking at us. Or not quack. What's a crow do?"
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