This Wednesday brings us the return of the worst duo in film since Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett captured the nation’s imagination in Hollywood Homicide. Writer-director combo Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) have collaborated on four of the worst movies of the last 10 years, and their streak of stinkers looks to continue this Wednesday when Vampires Suck is released in theaters. Now usually I try not to pick on a movie just because it seems devoid of any redeemable quality (we all remember my overwhelmingly kind words for Cats & Dogs), but in this case the problem is that the movies they make do surprisingly well at the box office. I can only assume that this is why they get to continue making studio films while Coppola languishes away, unable to get anything made with the big boys.
It is because of the above that I am putting out a plea. Let us all band together and boycott Vampires Suck. We need to rid our local cinemas of the mindless brand of “comedy” that these guy trade in. Jokes are simply replaced with references to things the audience can recognize. That's dumb. For example, "Lady Gaga! Weird! Right?" Are you laughing? No? Then you and Friedberg and Seltzer do not have the same sense of "humor." Let me now take us through their four most recent films to illustrate the need for a boycott.
2006 – Date Movie - $48,548,426
The duo’s first movie (or at least first Wayans-less movie) is universally panned. No one likes it. No one. It features this scene. Alyson Hannigan has unsuccessfully been attempting to get every copy burned.* Comic gold.
*Probably. I mean, I'd hope so. She's too delightful for this.
2007 – Epic Movie - $39,739,367
Okay, financially we’re moving in the right direction if just barely. This does feature the adorable Jayma Mays (Will Schuster’s OCD-love interest on Glee) but this trailer should tell you all you need to know. That bit about the Narnia wardrobe being full of stuff that falls out rather than a portal to another world? That’s the best joke this had to offer.
2008 – Meet the Spartans - $38,233,676
Again, progress, but not enough. This film’s premise is basically the Spartans kick different pop culture figures into the hole. This includes Britney Spears shaving her head. High comedy.
2008 – Disaster Movie
- $14,190,901
Finally! A dent is made. People stopped showing up. It was a step in the right
direction, but nowhere near enough. I don’t even think I can talk about why
this one was bad. Just watch the trailer. (Okay, I will. A cow falls on Iron
Man. Seriously. That’s one of the trailer-worthy gags in the movie. Seriously.)
So listen to me people. Whatever you do. Do not go see Vampires Suck. It should make $0. I’m serious. It should make Zyzzyx Road money. We have to make this happen. Then and only then will these two “writer-directors” go away.
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