So next week the dude equivalent of Sex and the City 2 opens when Sylvester Stallone teams up with Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Eric Roberts, and Terry Crews for The Expendables, or what looks to be an awful action movie. Like Sex and the City 2, I don’t think there is anyone who really expects it to be good, but I know most guys will be going to see it and will probably love it. I know I will, though I think I need to start chewing Skoal so I can up my manly quotient in time to really get the most out of it. It’s in celebration of this impending steroids-induced wet dream of a war movie that I will be ranking the top five biggest draws (using the average box office of their films) out of the cast over the course of their careers. I was going to do all of the main players but many of them (cough Austin, Roberts, Crews and Couture were so far behind that it just seemed mean). Here we go. (And no, the governator only has a cameo, so he doesn’t count.)
5. Mickey Rourke - $22,113,476
The average Mickey Rourke movie will make $22 million dollars at the box office, TOTAL. That’s right, we’re not talking opening weekends. We’re talking over the life of their runs. For comparison’s sake, that’s typically not enough to grab the top spot at the box office for one weekend, let alone a film’s entire box office life. The saddest part of Rourke’s low number? It’s significantly buoyed by this summer’s Iron Man 2 ($311 million). It’s a good thing we didn’t run this feature in May.
4. Jason Statham - $24,291,805
This one isn’t too surprising. Though The Transporter franchise has done well, on the whole The Stath has not made a ton of great choices. In fact, included in his average is one film that made a total of $20,361 (and it was made after The Transporter 1 and 2, so it’s not like he was an unkown). Wow.
3. Jet Li - $45,726,873
A big jump here. Jet Li’s number is greatly helped thanks to both Lethal Weapon 4 and the latest Mummy movie, but many of his starring vehicles (War, Hero) had big takes as well. I was actually surprised how well they did.
2. Sylvester Stallone - $49,694,225
Now here’s where I really started to be surprised. Stallone’s number is higher than our previous contestants, but this guy was one of the biggest action star in the world in the ‘80s. How is it so low? The answer? Inflation. Rambo’s first adventure made a lifetime box office total of $47 million. The average ticket price in 1982 when the film came out? $2.94. The other possible reason for the lower than expected number? Movies like the 2004 hit, Shade. Which grossed $25,032, or less than half a year's tuition at NYU. (Trailer below)
1. Bruce Willis - $54,963,880
The least expendable Expendable, if you will, is obviously Mr. Bruce Willis. Granted he suffers much the same fate that Stallone does (with inflation working against some of his best numbers), but still comes away with a very respectable $54 million. I can only assume that if all of the Die Hard movies were converted to modern currency he would have an average somewhere in the range of $250,000,000,000. Give or take a few. (Seriously though, John McClane should be worth that much.) What do you have to say about your win, Mr. Willis?
Hmm... That's not exactly how i remember it. Also, Mr. Willis, do you have a cold or something?
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