Hey America,
It’s me, Jack. I think we need to have a little talk. Now, you and I usually get along swimmingly. I mean, look no further than my box office predictions from Friday. I nailed the top four. Inception? No brainer. Dinner for Schmucks? Unfortunate, but sure. Salt? Despicable Me? Obvious. What can I say? I know you, America. But that brings us to number five on this weekend’s box office. I predicted the weepy, and by all accounts, terrible Charlie St. Cloud would take the spot, because it was all that was left in wide release. Well, except for Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore and there was no way you would go see that at all, let alone put it in the top five… What’s that America? You did? You spent approximately $12.5 million on that movie this weekend? Now granted these numbers are estimates, but that’s ridiculous. Seeing as the average movie ticket in this country costs $7.50 (I hate New York prices so much right now), I figured I would show you some ways you could have better spent your $7.50.
5. Going to see ANY OTHER MOVIE.
Find the movie listings in the Arts section of your newspaper (it’s that black and white thing you line the bird cage with). Okay, are you with me? Now close your eyes. Point to anywhere on the page. Open your eyes? Are you pointing to Cats & Dogs? No? Go see that movie. It’s better.
4. Buying candy.
Go to the grocery store and by $7.50 worth of candy. If you’re going to rot something, better your teeth than your brain.
3. Feeding the money to your actual cat or dog.
I’m not sure of the health risks involved for your pets so you probably shouldn’t do this one. Who knows it might kill that animal you’ve loved for so many years. But you know what? The death of something you love, would STILL be better than seeing Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. (But seriously don’t do this one. Real cats and dogs are awesome… And they don’t talk.)
2. Saving it.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s a recession on. Put that money in the bank. Unless you don’t trust banks. Then you should put it under your mattress. Unless you don’t trust mattresses. Then you should put it in a mason jar. Unless you don’t trust mason jars. But if that’s the case then I don’t trust you. I mean if you don’t trust mason jars how do you enjoy fruit preserves? You can’t. And I can’t trust someone who doesn’t enjoy fruit preserves.
1. Burning it.
Much like number three, you shouldn’t do this. It’s actually illegal to burn money in the United States, no matter how cool rappers make it look when they do it to light cigars. You could end up getting some jail time for this, and no one would want that. Though it would be remiss not to mention that going to jail would likely spare you from ever having to encounter Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore, as we have laws against cruel and unusual punishment in this country.
Join today! Ology is where thousands of people share their interests and passions with each other.
This Makes Me Happy... Post anything that makes you happy. Go!
Taylor Swift For those of us who can't get enough Swifty.
Ology Hip-Hop "I embrace y'all with napalm..."
MLB All things baseball during the summer dog days
(1)
Comments
Don't worry, we'll never be evil with your information
-or-