Geekologists, there's not really a more elegant way to say this.
I own a time machine.
Now I know what you're thinking, so let me clear this up right now: I didn't build the thing. If I had, you'd own one by now, because I would have sold the prototype to Apple (thus creating the iTARDIS). Nope, this one came packaged with the copy of Chrono Trigger I bought on eBay. I don't use it very much, but when it counts, I fire up the device and get my Kyle Reese on.
I'll confess: I've been secretly helping you out in the past for some time now. The promotion you earned at work? Yeah, I set that up. Good grade on a project? Remember me at Christmas time. Ridiculously attractive boy toy / lady friend? On their way, amigo. Traveling time is a pretty sweet gig, but it's not all fun and games. Sometimes I have to step in and swerve the space-time continuum away from devastating catastrophe.
This is one of those times:
KIM Kardashian is in talks to replace Angelina Jolie in the Tomb Raider movie franchise.
According
to Hollywood insiders, the curvy reality TV star is in the middle of
negotiations to play video game beauty Lara Croft in a reboot of the
film series.
“This will be something very different to Angelina’s Lara,” a source said.
“Kim is wanted to play a far more comic-strip version of Lara which would be shot in 3-D and aimed at a teen audience.”
Kim, 29, has previously spoken of her desire to break into acting.
“I would love to do more acting,” she said in December last year.
No.
No, this will not stand. The first Tomb Raider movies weren't even that good--barely Prince of Persia caliber--but dammit, film industry, have some respect for the classics. Lara Croft is one of the most beloved video game heroines of all time. She's got a street named after her in England! I'm all for a reboot, and I understand why it might want to steer clear of Angelina Jolie's interpretation of the character. A new Lara for the teen set is a good move for everybody--it should bring us back to the original game's sense of high adventure. But...Kim Kardashian? Really? I could come up with a dozen actresses I'd rather see as Jolie's successor. What about Whedonverse butt-kicker Eliza Dushku? Tiny dynamo Summer Glau? Zoe Saldana isn't doing too bad for herself these days. Heck, if you wanna ensnare the kiddies, bring in comedy folks! Take Emma Stone for a spin! Surely Chloe Moretz will be old enough to play Lara once pre-production finishes! I'd even stomach Kristen Stewart if it meant having somebody with acting experience in the role. Kristen Stewart! It sickens me to know she is not our worst option.
What I'm getting at is this: the film industry may not know it, but we gamers care about who Lara is, not necessarily what she looks like. I know Kim Kardashian may be able to fill out the outfit, but what can she bring to the screen? Is she rugged enough? Adventurous enough? Is she (ooh burn) smart enough?
I think not. And that's why I'm hopping in my time machine right after this post publishes. I'm going back to Kim Kardashian's fifth birthday and I am bringing her a copy of the first Tomb Raider. With any luck, 2010 Kim will care enough about the franchise to save this film...from herself.
[Kim Kardashian--The Next Angelina Jolie?]
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