Previously on The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder. That's it. Like, seriously, what else do you need? Have you seen his face?!
We start off with Tyler in Hybrid Hospital, which sounds like the next great CW drama to me up until Connor The Vamp Killer shows up and is like, "yeah, listen, I'm not just a vampire hunter." He sedates Tyler with a paralytic and then withdraws a creamy, clear substance. From his mouth. Then he heads back to his Hunter Scientist Mobile Hideout (again, another great CW drama here) and bubbles that werewolf venom up while eating a taco and marking his next target: the Gilberts.
The Salvatores are standing across from each other repeating the phrase "what, bro?" increasing in volume each time until they decide to use all that pent-up bro anger to kill Connor. Okay.
Matt meets his ex-girlfriend Elena in "their old make-out spot" in order to let her feed on him some more, because she needs it to survive and he needs it to be relevant on the show, y'know. Matt's like, "why do you even try to go to school?" Elena's like, "because it's the only place I'm accepted for never moving my face."
Tyler shows up to his manor and is greeted by Klaus and a gang of hybrids. Klaus effectively emotes about how much he misses Tyler's bod, and Tyler gives a seductive wink. "I bet you do," he says, before Klaus gets all YOU TRIED TO KILL ME and Tyler goes YOU KISSED CAROLINE (really? that's the best he came up with? Alright). Klaus stations his buds as Tyler's bodyguards just in case someone tries to hurt him.
Back in school, Elena is just on the verge of maybe emoting a bit when Rebekah walks in, clearly after knocking three shots of straight up Regina George, teasing Elena for humping Stefan and also that time she killed Alaric, which was pretty freakin' bitchy of her to do. She stabs her in the shoulder with a pencil and Elena freaks. That's when she realizes Connor is in the house to hunt Jeremy! She doesn't really care though, she just heads on into the bathroom to wash her hands. That's when Regina George starts taunting Elena with a bloody young beauty, smearing dirty Muggle blood all over her vicious, unmoving face.
Connor is showing off his secret tattoo—a Hunter's Mark—to Jeremy, explaining that anyone who can see it is a fellow hunter, so he better bag a vamp and get ready for training. Stefan peeks through the window and sticks out his tongue. Then he takes out his junk and teabags the door. You silly, Stefan!
Damon gets to Hunter Scientist Mobile Hangout and is greeted by AN ARROW CONNECTED TO A BOMB! Now he's stuck there until he explodes! At school, Elena's thinking about MURDERING REBEKAH and Stefan calms her down while Caroline just kinda smiles a little. Not like she wants to be there, sorta like she's paid to be.
PHOEBE TONKIN COMES OUT OF FREAKIN' NOWHERE as Hayley The Wereslut, the girl who "trained" "Tyler" "to" "break" "his" "sire" "bond" "to" "Klaus." Yeah. Right. She offers Tyler her vagina straightaway, but Tyler isn't ready for that just yet. Why is "I belong to you/you belong to me" playing?
Damon calls Meredith of all people to come save him from a bomb, completely forgetting that every time Meredith tried to save a life so far has been a complete 1,000% fail. Damon's like, "so yeah, don't kill me?" Meredith whips out a tube of vampire blood. She pours it on him and nothing happens. So then she has to resort to stupid human tricks, but no one dies which is 50% good and 50% WHY ISN'T MEREDITH DEAD YET.
Regina George, completely with a genuine sense of sorrow, walks up to Matt like, "Hey, babe. Sorry I tried to kill you last season, but I wasn't actually trying to hurt you. Revenge and retaliation are two crusty bitches." Matt wordlessly storms off into the arms of Connor, who needs to know who is feeding off of him. Matt considers who to rat out, decides, and says "Regina George." Connor's like, "Thanks. Gonna go kill her, byeee."
There's like a two-minute long scene of Elena watching Damon Salvatore take off his shirt and pants. I don't really know what was being said, I was watching Damon Salvatore take off his shirt and pants. Sometimes that's all a scene needs.
Jeremy confesses to Connor the truth about the most random vampire in the universe: the one Meredith Fell is buying blood from in exchange for sexual favors. Meanwhile, Stefan and Elena head to Regina George's rager. While Elena realizes that April is at this party, Stefan compels a drink from a freshman. Like a bawse.
Caroline shows up naked for some hybrid sex, but Tyler's like, "sorry, hanging with the bros." Also in the house, Hayley The Werebitch makes sure to start off on the right foot, if that right foot is Klaus' bad side. Klaus figures out that she's got a thing for Tyler, and I bet he knows how to use it!
Elena decides to be an absolutely rude jerk by interrogating April on her father's death, and Regina George is like, "'Scuse me, pretty sure that's my job." Elena's like, "did you kill a buncha priests the other day?" and Regina George is like, "LOLz, def not, I spent the whole day tweeting at Ryan Gosling and playing Taylor Swift's new album. Stop accusing me of murder and taking my beer. Also, gimmie that damn daylight ring, I want to throw it down this sink drain and watch you burn to death while playing 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.' It will please my senses." Elena runs into a corner screaming.
After the break, Elena reaches into that sink and rescues her ring just in time before grabbing that white oak stake and heading for Regina George. Stefan listlessly utters, "No babe, please, no." Elena's like, "Alright, fine." Then she does a keg stand in front of Regina George's face before leaving. Like a bawse!
Regina George starts getting drunk and woozy, but not typical drunk and woozy—it's a particularly life-threatening drunk and woozy. Meanwhile, Tyler gets home to see that Haley The Werebitch is gone and Klaus has figured out the truth about how they knocked boots to Caroline's unawares. Damon invites Tyler to kill Connor, but Klaus accepts on his behalf, twisting Tyler's ballsack just a little tighter.
Elena gets in front of a green screen and stands atop Stefan's bike. It's not shot that well. But then they have insanely raunchy sex- at one point, Stefan even turns into Damon! YIKERS ISLAND!
Connor heads into The Hospital Trap (I'm so good at coming up with names for future CW shows lately!) where he meets Damon and Klaus. Meanwhile, Elena starts getting vampire drunk as well. Are Regina George and Elena both about to die?
Matt shows up to Regina George's like "K babe, listen: you're horrible and alone. Also, I hate your hair. It's just so ugly." Then Regina George rips out his f*cking heart. Then she wakes up!
Klamon (new couple name, get in) is bullying Connor for details on The Greater Evil, when Damon points out his tattoos and Klaus has a moment of clarity: something's up with those tats and markings. He's one of "the five," turns out, which is perfectly ominous and yet awesomely badass. I like! But then that one-fifth dies in a bomb explosion. Sucks for Connor!
Ghost Damon appears inside Stefan's face, and Elena wonders why she's thinking about him. "It's simple," Damon explains, "you've touched both Salvatore wieners and mine's bigger. Sorry, babe." Just then, Klaus walks in baffled as to what's wrong with Elena, and Stefan "Small Weiner" Salvatore explains that she's been exposed to werewolf venom, and Klaus must save her. Klaus is like, "oh, really? So last season you totes tried to kill me bro, but now I'm all crucial and sh*t?!" He saves her, but only because he's realized that she may be useful after all.
April is cleaning up Regina George's party because WHY?! and Regina George offers to investigate what happened to all those dead people. Meanwhile, Meredith gets yet another scene or something. Stefan calls Caroline over to reminisce about life before turning, and laments that she might not be enjoying it. He wants to help her enjoy it, but he also fears becoming his ol' Ripper self in the process. So he asks Caroline, The Laziest Vampire Ever, to help him become The Second Laziest Vampire Ever so that he can train Elena to become The Third Laziest Vampire Ever. This sounds like a plan?
Matt meets Elena in the dark yet again to let her feed. Elena starts bitching about how being a vampire sucks because she's so angry and yet she can't move her face and Matt's like, "don't care, shut up." So she takes so much blood from Matt that Damon has to fly in on his broomstick and stop her. Then she starts crying hysterically, so Damon compels Matt to forget what happened and explains to Elena that he'll teach her how to do things right.
Aw, crap, man, Connor's not dead. Klaus has taken him back to Hunter Scientist Mobile Hideout and lets him know that he doesn't even know his history, but he's suddenly become the most well-protected vampire hunter in town. Scandalous!
Also, this: "It's a kitten. It's an adorable, exploding kitten." Next week, everybody!
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