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Here at Ology, there's only thing we love more than talking to our favorite musicians, artists, athletes and celebrities: not talking to them. In our ongoing series of Non-Interviews, we'll be asking hard, probing, no-nonsense questions to a rotating cast of influential men and women who are much too busy to actually speak with us.
Earlier this week, two of Canada's most obnoxious exports, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger and bratty eternal tween Avril Lavigne, announced plans to get married after a six month courtship. "I knew I was falling for her," the always articulate Kroeger told Canadian Hello! magazine this week. "It was incredibly powerful and something I'll never forget... I feel like the luckiest person alive because I get to be with my best friend every day!" Lavigne, meanwhile, famously married equally perturbing pop-punk non-icon and Sum 41 front-person Deryck Whibley and was more recently linked to television nobody Brody Jenner. Yesterday afternoon, I wasn't even remotely interested in meeting up with Kroeger in the New York Palace hotel lobby, where we might have but definitely didn't discuss his new and unquestionably doomed relationship, what their dopey Canadian children will look like and what the future holds for his universally loathed band. Check out our completely fabricated conversation below.
Chad, thanks so much for stopping by...
No problem, man, happy to be here.
…I know you've probably got a lot of horrible music to write and terrible concerts to play, so I appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule.
Um, sure, yeah, no problem.
I suppose we should just start out with the big question. You and Avril Lavigne… why, exactly?
[Clears throat] Well, um, Avril and I have been seeing each other for about six months now. We're both totally in love. I knew right when I first met her that…
…You were both Canadian?
…Well, sure, yeah, but the real thing that struck me about her was…
…That you both write juvenile, half-substantial schlock for people who spend most of their minimum wage paychecks at the mall food court?
I was going to say that I really responded to her energy and her enthusiasm for life. Do you think I could maybe get a glass of water or something?
As I'm sure you're aware, Avril has a long history of dating transcendentally repellent douchebags. How does it feel to be in such brutally awful company?
[Pause] Look, man, I don't know what kind of interview this is supposed to be, but I thought we were going to talk about…
Any response to all of the NHL hockey events you've personally ruined?
What are you…?
How does it feel to sing in the absolute worst band in the history of rock music?
[Pause] Do you really want to know?
In all honesty, I genuinely never thought we'd still be around. I mean, none of us are really that talented. I'm not that great of a singer, I've never been very good at writing songs. But you know what? Every time we put out an album, I think, "This must be the one. This has to be the one where people finally just stop caring about us." But it never happens. People just keep hating us. They keep writing about us. Some people even buy our records! And show up to our concerts. A lot of them, actually. Most bands, if they're lucky enough to even make an album, just kind of fall by the wayside. We're sort of the only band left where everyone thinks about us. People either totally love our music or they foam at the mouth and stab us in effigy. But either way, I get to make a living doing the thing that I love and I get to spend the rest of however long my doomed to fail marriage lasts with a pretty cool lady. [Shrugs] Most people aren't lucky enough to be able to say that, you know? Despite what people might think, it actually feels pretty good to be me most of the time.
[Long Pause] I… actually feel really stupid right now.
It's okay, man. Happens to the best of us.
No, I mean, I'm a complete asshole. Why would I pretend to come over here and imaginary interview you only to just make fun of your band and insinuate that marrying Avril Lavigne is a laughably bad idea?
Don't stress about it, dude. Seriously. I do about three or four of these every day, it's no big deal.
What kind of a soulless hack spends hours of company time writing a fake interview with someone they don't even like? Honestly?
To be fair, bro, most online music writers are hollow scum who don't really contribute anything to the world except vitriol and half-informed critique.
I mean, I can't even name more than, like, two or three of your songs. I don't know anyone else who can, either. Why do we all hate you so much?
Eh, got to have someone to blame for the decline of rock 'n' roll, right? Plus I have a really, really stupid face and an even stupider little beard. Always have.
I am… truly sorry, Chad Kroeger. I'd like to apologize for all the pointlessly mean things I've said about your absolutely irrelevant… and completely undeserving of attention… music in the past and I promise to you personally that, no matter what you, your "Why do I care?" fiancé or either of your respective bands decides to ever do in the future, I will have the bravery and professional integrity to just not give a shit one way or the other and write about something else.
Cool, man. [Shakes hands] And I promise never to write a song that you'll actually like.
That's really big of you, Chad Kroeger. Thanks again for fake talking to me. I feel like we both learned something today.
I think you learned something today. I am, in fact, literally incapable of learning.
[Author's Note: I'd like to send my sincere thanks to Chad Kroeger for not accepting the interview request I didn't send and for inadvertently teaching me a valuable lesson about life. Be sure to check back next week when I won't be interviewing more of the biggest names in pop culture. Until then, take care and have a great weekend, everyone.]