You should probably help Pretty Little Liars win the Best High School Show Ever Competition. You should probably do that.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the girls learned via sex, lies, and videotape that neither Noel, Jenna, or Garrett was responsible for Maya's death (Ali? No one cares about her anymore). Aria said, "Guys, why don't we just quit while we're ahead? We have no idea who killed Maya now. Can't we just go on and live normal lives?" And then Spencer punched Aria in the face. Now she knows not to say such ignorant things.

Hanna's busy trying to find an outfit that will cover up her gash from The House of Giant Bras and where is Aria with a bag of cotton, a sheepskin, and a handful of pins and needles when you need her? Wren calls and Spencer's like, "You're f*cking him, aren't you?", Hanna's like "Not quite but basically. Wait. Why are you wearing a turtle shell and a yellow bandana? Aren't you Spencer Texas Ranger?" Spencer's like, "That was last week. Now I'm Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle."

Downstairs, Preacher Man comes in with a thumb drive of those N.A.T. videos. Hanna and Spencer, Stalkers M.D., promptly freak the hell out. On her way out, Hanna snatches it, but her mom catches her in the act! Hanna blames it on Mona, but Ashley's not havin' it. Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle has escaped into the sewers, I assume.

It's Ezra's birthday/Ezra In His Boxers Day. "Kinda wanna contact The Forgotten Ex on this oh-so special day," he says, "but I'm kinda worried she's gone super insane or something." Aria's like, "Listen. I'm totally fine with you calling another girl on your birthday. I have no self-respect."

Paige is doing everything in her power not to smack Emily for kissing Nate, but she doesn't have to wait very long to be told the truth, and Emily comes out (hah) with it. But since she said it all sweet-like (or as sweet as a girl who never ever smiles can be), Paige just figures she misses Maya, so it kinda makes sense that they'd smooch.

Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle is running down the situation to Aria, and she's like, "Wait. Who's Jenna? Who's Mona? Let's talk about my more prevalent boyfriend problems: he wants to talk to the ex he knocked up and I feel like there's a way to make this all about me but I can't think of how." Spencer's like, "Listen, Aria. Do NOT make this about you, it will NOT end well." Aria's like, "Well, seeing as I've already turned this very scene into being all about me in literally half a second, I feel like I'm right and you're just a bitch. Byeeee."

Cece is busy corrupting Rosewood High, NBD, but here's what you should know amidst all that "Blah blah blah I'm Cece I'm awful I like fashion" mumbo jumbo: Ali hated Paige, and there's a hazy flashback to prove it! Ali says, literally, 85 insults about Pigskin Paige, insults that Spencer apparently remembered word-for-word because LOL TELEVISION.

Hanna and Caleb are sending love notes telepathically, gross.

Nate meets up with his new girlfriend Emily and immediately starts macking on her, because a kiss obviously means that you're engaged in Nateland. Emily tries to let him down softly, and Nate literally flips an entire shit. "GOD, WHY CAN'T I FIX LESBIANS?!" he screams. Emily bikes away. Since when does Emily own a bike??

Aria decides to meet up with Maggie. "So you don't know me, but I'm here to ruin your life and make it all about me," she says. Maggie seems interested.

Emily tries to vent about Nate to Spencer and Spencer's like "N-n-n-no, bitch, we need to talk about The War of The Dueling Lesbians that no one remembered but everyone watched." Emily tries to get away, but she doesn't have a lesbian bike this time, so now she has to stammer a bunch about how Paige is definitely not a Slytherin before walking away.

Jenna is eating a box of rats, watching them wriggle between her fingers as she swallows them whole. Hanna approaches her throne to talk about those videos. Jenna ignores her, just staring (hah, she can see now!) at a young mouse as it screams for its life, so Hanna starts talking about "please don't kill me" and junk. "WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP?" Jenna commands as she downs another rat. Hanna's like, "Listen, just want you to know before shit gets real that we're innocent." Jenna puts her glasses on, which means she's done talking now. Inside her throat, a rat squeals for its life as it burns.

Out of goddamn nowhere, Nate repels from the top of Rosewood High and drops right in front of Hanna to talk about Emily, because apparently Nate just does nothing else with his life but stalk Emily and her friends (OH MY GOD IS HE 'A'). Hanna's like, "Don't you know that she's a lesbian? She's not a faker like Jenna." Nate's like "Whatchumeangirl." Hanna shrugs and walks off, and now Nate's back to being hung up on another girl he never dated. Hanna gives Nate a furious glare of shade and death, and it's pretty much the best thing Ashley Benson has ever done in Pretty Little Liars history.

Aria asks Maggie if she'd like to talk around her teen pregnancy for about 30 more minutes, and Maggie's like, "Why not just get into it now? Here's my son!" Aria actually shits her pants.

Cece's being all bitchy about some show tonight or something else I don't care about, and then there's a flashback that apparently happened LITERALLY TEN MINUTES AGO because Cece is wearing THE EXACT SAME THING with THE EXACT SAME HAIR she's wearing in present day with Spencer. Ali's like, "Guess what I've been up to lately, Master Blackmailer? Ruining Paige's life because I'm bored." Cece's like, "I'm always bored. I never age." Paige rides in on a bike and is this just the first time I'm noticing all the bikes around here? Ali snatches Paige's note to Emily and threatens to give it to her daddy, before driving off. Spencer wonders what Ali ever did with Paige's note.

Emily decides that it's time to grill Paige on Ali, but Paige is like, "Don't question me, bitch, question your friends who probably poisoned you. I'm clearly hiding a secret past with Ali, though." Emily's like, "I know, but I think you're right. I'd be a lot unhappier if I just yelled at my friends instead of you. This makes sense."

Wesley Fiztgerald comes in wearing a regal ass polo and Aria's like, "Why did you tell me about Maggie? Are you evil?" Wesley says he's not, and I mean, he's wearing that regal ass polo so he can't be, and Aria tells him that she stalked Maggie and she's totally fine except for the part where she definitely had Ezra's baby.

Spencer is trying on clothes and a snake finds itself into a box of belts. Spencer quickly transforms into Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle, whose only real power is screaming at the top of her goddamn lungs. She can't work the lock, thanks 'A', but Cece comes to save her just in time and takes a mannequin leg in to butcher a snake.

Back at Hanna's, Spencer insists that Paige did this, because no straight girl would dare touch a snake. Hanna isn't initially buying that Paige killed Maya and Ali, but this honestly seems kind of convincing. Emily calls about a knife in Maya's bag, and Hanna says this to Spencer as if it is the most normal discussion to ever happen in Rosewood. Someone snatched it from Emily's room, though, and Hanna's still like OH MY GOD A MYSTERIOUS MAN BROKE INTO EMILY'S HOUSE. Spencer punches Hanna in the face. Now she knows not to say such ignorant things.

Aria's worried because she made the whole Maggie situation all about herself and now it's her problem and now she doesn't know what to do. Wesley's like, "I wanna be there for you, gurl," and stares into her eyes like the giant saucers of sex they are.

Hanna is next in the Changing Rooms of Death, and someone snatches her! Just kidding, it's Caleb, who's talking all hot and breath-y, because he has some news to deliver about keeping those tapes at bay but also really wants to pin Hanna down and suck her entire face off.

Aria and Wesley are making giant friendship cupcakes now? Ezra announces that he called Maggie and she's totally fine without a child, and Aria is f*cking LIVID that he beat her to the punch. Not only is Maggie a liar, but this storyline is no longer all about her!

Emily walks into Cece's fashion thing and Cece's all giddy. Spencer jerks her head, "'Sup. Bitch." Emily's like, "'Sup, bitch." Paige is like, "Hey, Spencer." Spencer literally pauses and glares for three hours, because she figures that if she focuses hard enough, she can actually set Paige on fire (Hah, Spencer. Ninja Turtle powers don't work like that). Three hours later, she utters the iciest "Hello" you've ever heard in your life. Obviously the two get to working on setting up the event together, and Paige makes a speech about how much she likes Emily and even though she's made mistakes, she'd like to make a fresh start. Spencer thinks about punching Paige in the face, but decides to hold back for the season finale.

Aria and Wesley realize that Mrs. Fitzgerald is paying Maggie to keep quiet. Wesley figures the only way to solve this is for him to have sex with Aria so she gets pregnant. Aria giggles, but in a way that suggests she'd actually do it if Ezra pissed her off enough.

Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle wants to investigate Paige, so she obviously gets Hanna to shoo her away while they room raid her bag. They do find an earring from Ali's grave, but to their horror, Paige and Emily walk in on them. Emily is so unhappy about this she's ecstatic.

Later, Emily and Paige are sitting on Emily's stoop, Emily reeling in her love of absolute misery and Paige coming clean about what a bitch Ali was. Emily's like, "This is not a revelation, I've known Ali was a bitch since I met her." But then Paige reveals that she considered committing suicide because Ali was so mean to her. Emily's like, aw, okay. And not much else, really.

Ashley Marin shreds the hard drive, believing that Mona has video of her and Wilden doing The Adult Handshake. Preacher Man comes in asking questions about the hard drive because WHY IS IT HIS BUSINESS AGAIN and Hanna's like, "Lay off my mom, I destroyed it. Peace be with you, jackass."

Spencer Mutant Ninja Turtle shows Aria the earring and insists that Paige could be 'A'. Aria's like "Who the f*ck is Paige?"

Paige and Emily are still outside on her porch when Paige hilariously announces that she's going to wash her face now, as if she hadn't washed her face since Ali died or something. Someone comes a'stalking up to Emily's porch shrouded in shadow, and when she steps into the light, it's Jenna. Jenna has a cryptic warning about Paige, which is shockingly scary even for Jenna, a girl who makes out with murderers on the regular. As she drives off in a cab, Paige watches her prey, waiting to go in for the kill. She also ignores Spencer's phone call to Emily, but I'm sure it's just to save those precious minutes. She might be a bitch, but outrageous phone bills are the real killer!

SumOlogy: Good girls gone bad.

Grade: B+

Leftovers

I actually liked this episode, despite the fact that I initially wasn't so keen on the idea of turning Paige into a potential suspect in literally one episode. For what was laid out, it was done well, even if it was all a little sudden. The execution was as good as I could have hoped for.

The sheer amount of flashbacks being used is starting to annoy me, though.

"You are not the first girl to fall for Downton Grabby."

"No, that's Triple Nipple. She's harmless."

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