'Degrassi' Recap: "Scream, Part 2" (Season Finale)

08/17/2012

You should probably help Degrassi win the Best High School Show Ever Competition. You should probably do that.

So you should know that this is officially my one millionth Degrassi recap. I've worked really, really hard on the past 999,999, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm really proud of myself as well as peeing-my-pants happy that you guys have come here for every single one. But who cares about that? It's time for Tristan to die!

So Clare is locked in an insane asylum with her mom—which is HILARIOUS because Clare's mom hasn't even been around since the thirteenth century—and Mrs. Oh, who got a couple of good lines in this year, until she admits that Asher Shostak is a preying manwhore. "No," she insists, "He's a brilliant journalist! I'm sure it was all for a human interest piece!" Mrs. Oh calls Clare out on the paper trail of lies she's left since The Sexual Incident and it's at this point that Clare's mom decides to raise her voice and be a parent. Clare's like, "Um, excuse me? Did you get the logo on the back of your jacket this season? Yeah. You didn't. I'd get back to feeding me grapes and fanning my cheeks. This is my show, you bitch." CREDITS!

Zig and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rainbow Unicorns are playing guitar and putting flowers in each other's hair while praising a model of Liberty Van Zandt's head on a stick when Tori walks in looking for the only other person she's paid to have scenes with, Tristan. Maya's like, "Pretty sure he went to go make out with his 'secret admirer', and I am such a horrible friend that I let him go, not caring if it turns out to be a murderer or a rapist or two midgets duct-taped together. I just don't care much." Tori, for the first time this season, isn't gushing. Zig asks Tori to stop being a cockblock, but Tori is not going to take advice from a poor kid, even if it is her boyfriend.

Adam's looking for Tristan because everyone else was busy I guess, and Luke and Becky think that maybe he finally realized how gaying up Romeo and Jules is bad and crawled home into his fortress of Barbies. Becky makes Luke sort-of-swear he had nothing to do with the disappearing Romeo, but let's be honest, he totally did.

Eli tries to make the season finale about him and his play just a little bit and Clare says "GO TO HELL. I'M GOING TO KILL ASHER TONIGHT AND YOU BETTER BE IN ON THE PLAN." Eli's like, "Listen, I've had enough of your crazy. Not gonna do it." Clare's like, "Go work on your stupid rainbow play. I swear to god if you weren't Munro Chambers I would dump you." And that's when Black-Haired Katie shows up in a studded vest with hand grenades, a semi-automatic, and a belt full of bullets. Clare conspires to put nude pictures on Asher's computer, and Katie's like, "Okay, so should I take my top off right here in the courtyard?" Clare says, "Nude pictures of me, dingbat." Katie sighs because this'll be a lot less fun.

Zig and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rainbow Unicorns Minus Tristan Wait Was He Even In This Band To Begin With stumble upon the hockey boys with Tristan's phone, and Owen—who had no idea that his brother might be gettin' raped right now because it's not like he's a student or a brother or a caring person or anything—gets the truth out of Luke and Dallas.

Clare takes nude pics of herself to Florence and the Machine's "Shake It Out" because LOL I'M DYING.

Becky is singing her usual hymns to Jesus when she comes up with a plan. Eli's worried about Clare not coming to the play (you know, not Tristan or anything), when Becky shows up ready to take Tristan's spot in the play—she's even willing to play a guy to do it, because that's the Christian way.

Just like I told you guys, Tristan has crawled into his fortress of Barbies, but it's actually his spare Barbie fortress that he keeps at Degrassi just in case. Zig and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rainbow Unicorns Plus Wait Owen's In The Band Now Since When remind Tristan that he's loved. And then Tori kisses him right on his face. Tristan pukes everywhere but he suddenly feels better, suddenly feels like he can do this play.

Becky and Adam share a moment where Adam thinks maybe Becky isn't such a horrible wench after all when the door BURSTS open and out steps Tristan in a haze of sparkly glitter and purple fog. "NEVER FEAR, THE STAR IS HERE!" he proclaims before clapping his hands and disappearing in a cloud of rainbow sprinkles. That Tristan!

Clare gets all the way to Asher's offices before realizing that just can't do it. She can't do it because of some stupid advice Asher gave her, which is the most triflin' thing ever: I mean, if she's gonna take nude photos of herself, why not put them out there? You don't see me taking nude photos and just not putting them on the internet! They're like everywhere! But then she runs into that old intern girl who still wasn't harassed by Asher, so that just makes it worse.

Dave and Tristan kiss. Tristan realizes that kissing a black guy actually wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. Jesus whispers in Becky's ear to shed a lone tear, and it's the single most beautiful tear in Degrassi history.

Katie's real bummed because she got all those hand grenades for nothing, but Clare smacks her in the face and reminds her that is this Clare Goddamn Edwards' finale, and she's gonna go to the police. But then that girl that wasn't harassed by Asher totally was harassed by Asher like I freaking told you. So yay for redemption!

Dave and Tristan are sleeping together. Oh, wait, this is still the play. And it's ending. Becky makes a strange bro. Tori's back to gushing as usual when TRISTAN'S IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND tells him he did a good job. Tristan starts glowing a bright green neon and unicorns begin a fanciful trollop through the Degrassi halls. Meanwhile, Adam and Becky put their differences to bed, because in a few seasons they realize they'll probably be getting in bed together.

As Becky Baker exits for her nightly rounds of praying to a Jesus she has not seen, Munro Goddamn Chambers stands in the back of the hall and watches his peasants thrive as actors and as human beings. Then, at the request of his servants, he ascends to the stage and extends his hands to the heavens, the skies open up, and the audience falls to the floor in the sheer mercy of their Savior. To think that Becky was praising the wrong God this entire time. The Holy Degrassian has finally risen.

SumOlogy: And then Eclare kissed because OF COURSE!

Grade: A-

Leftovers

What a great, great close to Showdown, aka the season of Clare Edwards. I've made a lot of fun of her character, but Aislinn Paul has really done a great job. As well as, I don't know, THE ENTIRE FREAKING CAST OF SEASON 12.

I feel like shooting Daniel Kelly saying the phrase "You know I love you, bro" must have been the funniest day on set. You could tell that everyone in the scene was trying not to laugh.

Lastly, I'd like to thank you all for reading this season's Degrassi recaps! It's been a blastie covering the show LITERALLY EVERY DAY FOR FIVE WEEKS. Hopefully I'll be seeing you for the remainder of Season 12 whenever Stephen Stohn decides to give 'em to us- until then, get excited! This fall, I'll be covering Glee, The Vampire Diaries, Dexter, The Inbetweeners, and WAY MORE. I love you. And I mean that. Will you marry me?

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