'Degrassi' Recap: "Scream, Part 1"

08/16/2012

You should probably help Degrassi win the Best High School Show Ever Competition. You should probably do that.

Eli is at arguably normal freakout levels because his play Romeo and Jules goes live tomorrow night, and nothing about it is working because of course, this is Degrassi. Clare walks into rehearsals like, "Excuse me, Eli? It looks like you're focused on things that aren't me and I kind of only need you to be focused on me and my problems, k thanks. Wanna ruin Asher?" Eli's like, "Right, because this is your season. I totes forgot. Let's put a f*cking bullet in his head. Let's just kill him." Clare's like, "Okay, sounds good." CREDITS!

Becky's got a new plan for taking down The Big Gay Play of The Century because she spent all last night talking to a burning bush and it told her to PROTEST, PROTEST, PROTEST! Dallas wants to help, which is weird because the only burning bush he knows is weed. Becky can't take the evil spirits coming out of Dallas' pores and leaves, so Dallas enlists Luke to help him destroy Eli and the woman he loves, the girl he once loved himself but was ripped from his clutches like a doll, like a lovely pretty Clare doll.

Mr. Simpson chooses THE SEASON GODDAMN FINALE to finally butt in about The Big Gay Play of The Century just as Dave and Tristan are smooching. Dave's like, "Lemme kiss you, bro," and Tristan's like, "Nope, no way, not yet, I've never kissed a boy and there's no way I'm gonna let it be Dave." Tori and Zig remind Tristan that he's got 24 hours to kiss something, be it a boy or a mannequin or a turtle or a rock. Meanwhile, Simpson's all, "Listen, everyone hates this play, probably gonna have to change it before everyone's eyes are subjected to a chubby niner and a skinny elevener of mixed races smooching faces." Eli's like, "I will defend this play until my dying breath." That's, like, not even a joke of mine. He literally said that.

Becky walks into class on water and one of her homophobic picket signs. Adam's like, "Um, not sure you and I are gonna work out." Becky's like, "The power of Christ compels you to either be a girl or get the f*ck out of my face." Their science teacher smells a conflict, and conflicts are only solved by shoving the two enemies together. Guess Adam and Becky are gonna have hate sex soon.

Eli makes another one of those monstrous speeches he loves making about love triumphing or not triumphing. Dave and Eli have a bro scene. Bros just defending the gays, NBD.

Dallas is still trying to get in Fiona and Imogen's pants, and Fiona's like, "Um, did you bump your head at my party when Munro Goddamn Chambers cleaned your clock?" Then Tristan comes up like a humble niner and asks for advice on how to find a boy to kiss in 24 hours. They befriend him, which is amazing, and I'm kind of really disappointed that The Three Best Friends That Degrassi Has Ever Seen didn't happen sooner.

Eli's making that same Love Heals All speech to a bunch of parents in one of Jesus' old towels. Mr. Baker is not pleased that Munro Goddamn Chambers is out-acting him but he's gonna have to just deal with that. Then Mr. Baker speaks through the hand of OH MY GOD, DALLAS, who switches the problem with Romeo and Jules from being a gay play to being a play that glorifies suicide, which is ridiculously stupid because Romeo and Juliet has been a play about suicide, since, I don't know, probably the beginning of f*cking time. Damn you, Dallas!

The show's closing suicide scene is performed so that Dallas can scrutinize it, and Eli's like, "Wow, that's totally right. But I'll just beat you by changing the play, you silly douchebag."

Becky is praying in a bathroom stall she has fashioned into an altar because I mean where else are you going to pray, and Jenna has to remind her that Adam is a boy, not a girl, because he chooses to be a boy, and not a girl. Becky's like, "Eh, pretty sure he's a girl, and since God partnered us together, God wants me to save him. Gonna leave my holy toilet now. Peace be with you and stuff."

If God is capable of miracles, then BOY did he just fashion up a hunky hot niner for Tristan's tormented soul! Eli's still working on fixing the finale, and Clare's like, "What the f*ck, Eli?! WE ARE FOCUSING ON MY PROBLEMS IN THE SEASON FINALE, NOT YOURS." Eli's like, "You know, this is getting really goddamn annoying, but whatever, let's try and kill him and make this play happen." Clare's like, "Whatever. Just stop forgetting that I'm more important than you."

Becky starts smacking Adam in the face with a rosary. He's still a boy, and a stronger one at that. Becky turns to another burning bush for help, but it's just Dallas rolling a blunt. Sigh.

Tristan wants to shag that Brazilian, and both Tori and Maya are like, "Um, pretty sure you suck at anything other than being a raging loser." Tristan tells Tori to go ef herself, he can freakin' do this.

Eli's venting to Imogen about his life and how much it sucks because of Clare, and Imogen's like, "Yeah, I hate that crazy bitch, too. You do realize that you can't do everything, right?"

The rewrite works, obviously. Dallas screams and turns into a blob of evil goo. Eli tells Clare that he no longer wants to help her kill Asher, and she needs to get f*cking help because she's a loon. He told Ms. Oh all about her Sex and the Intern adventure, and now she's got to emotionally work through her problems instead of doing the usual coping mechanism of getting drunk and punching hockey players in the face. Clare sighs. This won't be anywhere near as fun.

Tristan gets a note on his locker from a secret admirer I'm already betting is Dallas, asking him to meet up and completely blow off his practice. It's totally Dallas, but we'll find out tomorrow night that it's Dallas, you guys! Get ready! Finale time!

SumOlogy: I hope Tristan doesn't get killed in the season finale. Like, honestly though.

Grade: B-

Leftovers

"I can always eat a bunch."

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