Look guys, you can't expect steal a hipster's bicycle and get away with it. Be advised, bike thieves, you will feel the wrath of the angry hipster, complete with terse language, calls to the cops, and a big, shaming dose of moral superiority. Oh, and it'll all be filmed on an iPhone (find that priceless video below).
Jake Gillum of Portland, Ore. (of course) had his "twenty-five hundred dollar" bicycle stolen, then found the bike for sale on craigslist. So he did what any angry hipster would do: put on his trucker hat and a t-shirt of a shark riding a bicycle, and set up a sting.
"I was home alone, I started yelling really loud, and I scared the dog," Gillum said of his frustration over the heist.
The sting, of course, was hilarious. I have half a mind to steal a hipster's bike myself, just so I can see something like this happen again.
Gillum begins his video by looking, forlorn, into the camera and complaining that he had to get up at 6:30 in the morning to make the sting happen. With a passing mention of his "lucky hat," he and his buddies are on their way.
After an establishing shot of the city of Seattle, where the sting takes place, Jake Gillum explains to the camera that he's arranged to meet the thief, that he's called the cops, and that he's trying not to be "emotional." He also makes a shout out to the awesome "Burner" App that he used to disguise his phone number when he texted the thief.
"Pretty cool, I couldn't have done this without that app," Jake Gillum says.
Gillum meets with the thief outside of a supermarket, but when the Police don't hold up their end of the bargain by bursting in and busting the sucker, Gillum begins to interrogate the guy (near the two minute mark) -- and that's when things begin to get really hilarious. Gillum begins the confrontation by demanding that the bike thief apologize, and it only gets better from there.
To make a long story short, the thief (who to be fair, is a total piece of shit, and who also brought along his girlfriend) tries to leave, but Gillum and his cameraman friend tell the dude that they're placing him under "citizen's arrest." (By the way, is that a real thing? I'm pretty sure that it's not, but I love the idea of a hipster trying to detain someone, just because he says so.) So Gillum chases him. A hipster chase scene! Incredible stuff.
Gillum puts the phone in his pocket so he can run uninhibited -- all the while repeating the mantra aloud to himself: "He can not get away from me. He can not get away from me," in that oh-so-cute cute, high-pitched angry hipster voice.
When Gillum finally catches up to the dude, they have a legal debate over whether or not you can go to jail for possessing stolen goods (the thief now claims that he himself got the bike off of craigslist, though he knew it had been stolen). The dialogue is so great:
THIEF: It's not illegal to buy stolen stuff. I looked it up, dude. HIPSTER: You're in possession of stolen property and you're going to jail. THIEF: You don't go to jail for that! HIPSTER: Yeah you do, you go to jail. THIEF: For what? HIPSTER: For stealing my bike! THIEF: I didn't steal your it! HIPSTER: You stole it! THIEF: I didn't.
The thief, giving up on the legal debate, begins walking away again, while the hipster follows him, announcing to anyone in ear shot: "This is the guy! He stole my bike, I'm following him! ("I didn't steal your bike, man!") This is how it goes down everbody, this is why you don't steal from bicyclists, BECAUSE WE CARE ABOUT OUR RIGHTS!"
Finally, Police arrest the thief, while the hipster looks on, filming and chiding. An officer meanwhile asks the hipster how he knows it's his bike, so Jake Gillum quickly points out the whole list of all the custom features he had installed, including "gator-skin tires."
"You're going too fast," the cop tells him.
As the thief is being "cuffed and stuffed," Gillum, perhaps channeling a far wimpier version of Walter Sobchak, concludes spiritedly, "this is what happens, you piece of shit bike thieves. This is what happens."
Boy, all this laughing has made me hungry. I think I'm gonna go beat up a hipster and steal his lunch money.
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