You should probably help Pretty Little Liars win the Best High School Show Ever Competition. You should probably do that.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Aria and Spencer and that loose girl Cece got all dolled up for one of Noel Kahn's Wild Sex Parties, and the shocker of the hour was that no one contracted anything. And two weeks ago, Wren kissed Hanna, but NO I'M STILL NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT UNTIL I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Which hopefully will be never. New episode!

Ashley Marin is trying to be a mom by moving plants, because that's the most important thing to do when your daughter's life is in constant mortal peril. But under that plant (oddly enough) is a note from Maya to Emily asking her to meet up (oddly enough) on the night of her death (oddly enough) but the location of their supposed talk is curiously missing (oddly enough) from the partially destroyed letter. Because right, this is Rosewood, and every mystery just leads to another mystery. GOD!

Aria's over at Ezra's like, "So how much did your mom pay that slut you knocked up to go away?" Ezra responds, "Listen, I have no idea but I think it was in Trident Layers." Aria sighs. No one ever pays her in gum. Ezra asks if she's gonna hold the whole secret pregnancy thing over his head, and Aria's like, yup, at least for two more episodes. Ezra sighs. No one ever pays him in gum either.

Hanna's looking through Maya's website, secretly wishing that she was Maya's girlfriend, when Wren shows up. God, we have to talk about this, don't we? Wren apparently has done nothing since their insane asylum kiss but thinking about their insane asylum kiss and how he loves lusting after taken women. Hanna's like, "Listen, manslut. I get that you wanted Spencer because of Toby and now you want me because of Caleb but this is not London, and I'm not here for your games. There's only like seven girls in all of Rosewood if you don't count the ugly ones, but why don't you give Aria a ring? She currently hates her boyfriend for basically killing a baby, maybe she'll give you a chance." Wren frowns, but considers it.

Emily and Spencer are talking about Toby, and both of them agree on the fact that lying to him is awful, so they're happy he's not around, and to Spencer, getting an A- literally means that you should drop out of school, leave Rosewood, and probably move to Teen Wolf. Emily's like, "well, that's what Maya did. Think Toby will look good hairy and naked?" Spencer's like, "Um, duh."

Aria's ignoring Ezra, but Wren stalks from around the corner, still considering making her his next slut target. Meanwhile, Aria's mom is perking her lips and boobs up for Zack, the guy that owns that coffee shop. Aria walks in on them smushing faces because GODDAMMIT IF SHE CAN'T HAVE A STABLE RELATIONSHIP THIS WEEK THEN NO ONE CAN.

Hanna has laid out every picture of Maya ever because she really wants to love her, and Emily's like, "Listen, I know that I'm perpetually unhappy and this should make me upset, but Hanna, this is just f*cking weird." Hanna's like, "I'm not doing this for you, jerk. I'm doing this for Caleb because he thinks Maya's hot and maybe if we have a séance around these pictures she'll come back from Teen Wolf and we can have a threesome or something." Emily's like, "Oh, well why didn't you just say that?" Then they discover that Maya's already been into threesomes at Noel Kahn's Wild Sex Parties. Except she does them in the daytime, and in a onesie. There, now Emily's unhappy again. Perfect.

Noel reveals to Spencer that he gave Maya lots of weed and stuff for the sex parties I guess, before admitting that, "It's kinda hot that you think I'm capable of murder." Spencer is totally turned on by that but her crotch will not admit it.

Emily's cousin Nate is staring down Jenna and Noel. "I wish that bitch was still blind," he says, before attempting to give Jenna a gift. Jenna's like, "No thanks, creepo, don't need your charity." Nate's like JUST LET ME LOVE YOU and Jenna's like POOF BLIND AGAIN CAN'T SEE YOU! Defeated, Nate sulks away.

Aria's mom is an actual dating whore now, there you go.

Paige approaches Emily with #swimmingproblems and confesses that she should have just taken shop class like a real lesbian. Emily's like, "Don't care, pretty much, how about you come over and we have sexy time?" Paige says yes and gets lots and lots of lesbian kisses as a reward.

Spencer Texas Ranger is off saving the world yet again, this time going through Noel Kahn's locker for KILLER EVIDENCE. But right after she snatches his phone, NAKED BOYS enter the room. Once again, Spencer is so turned on but her crotch is like "Nope! Immune!" Lies, Spencer's crotch. Lies.

Hanna and Emily raid the location of Noel Kahn's Wild Sex Parties, hoping to catch some stragglers maybe? They don't, and also don't see the camera recording their every move. Meanwhile, Spencer Texas Ranger can't find anything juicy on Noel's phone, but when Noel walks up on her, she shrieks like a banshee and runs out. Hanna and Emily have only found BRAS so far, you guys. GIANT BRAS.

Aria decides it's time for a Zack Attack and starts a furious fury of LIES about how she and her mom were super into The Clash. Zack responds, "Listen. I know you think I'm some kind of hoe. But I'm actually not seeing anyone else." Aria's like, "Oh, really? Well maybe you wanna… no, wait. Ezra. Right. Ezra. Gonna go away now, bye."

Hanna and Emily are still raiding The Crypt Of Giant Bras, and find a secret door to a bachelor pad of really dingy proportions. Turns out, Maya was probably staying there because her bag was left behind, where she kept love notes that Emily gave to Ali (weird) and a bus ticket that was never used (weirder). Then all the doors and windows start slamming and lights start flickering out because THE BRAS ARE NOT PLEASED.

Great, now Spencer is lusting after Maya, but then she gets an email presumably from Noel with camera footage from a half-hour before Maya probably died.

Aria is in love with Zack and thinks Aria's mom should date him. Aria's mom is surprised that Aria cares this much, but Aria's like "Are you kidding? I'm going to make every single thing you ever do about me, just like I always do."

Hanna and Emily are trapped in Maya's Chamber of The Crypt Of Giant Bras and can't break out. Then Hanna cuts her leg because THE GODS OF THE GIANT BRAS AREN'T TAKING ANY OF YOUR SHIT HANNA AND WHY DID YOU KISS WREN. Then they break out to see a note from 'A': "I'm saving you for later." Hanna wants to bleed to death but Emily's like, "Nope, gonna obviously call Wren to fix this, he's the only doctor/male nurse/insane asylum attendant in Rosewood."

Wren is stitching up Hanna's knee right in the middle of her house because OKAY LOLZ and talks about feeding her his meatballs. Meanwhile, Nate apologizes to Emily for evoking Jenna's evil powers, and reveals that Maya's death may have placed a curse on him. Emily's like "I'm pretty sure Teen Wolf doesn't do witchcraft. You must be thinking of The Vampire Diaries, and Maya didn't move there, Spencer's sister did." Nate's like, "Oh." Then he starts crying because Maya's gone you guys. AND THEN THEY START KISSING OH – MY – GOD! And obviously, since Paige was on her merry way to see her girlfriend, there was no better time on Earth for her to walk up on them. She gets so mad that she goes Hulk on a pair of trash cans before turning into a black cat and running off into the night. Nate's like "I love you." Emily's like, "You just made my life so much worse, and now I'm more unhappy than ever. Think I love you too, boy."

Aria tells Ezra that ever since she met Zack, she can't stop thinking about him, but she needs to forgive Ezra first before she can initiate this threesome thing. Ezra found Maggie. He wins.

Spencer just won't fast forward the damn video, but finally gets to see some action: Maya rides into Noel Kahn' Wild Sex Party House/The Crypt of Giant Bras at about 10:04pm. So now we know that Garrett was not the last person to see Maya alive.

Ella Montgomery, MILF Of The Year, decides to tell Zack that she's been dating other guys. Zack's like "Well, I haven't." Ella's like, "Yes you have." Zack's like "Um, I've been wearing this Clash shirt for three weeks straight to repel women away from me, and yet you don't seem to mind the stench. Pretty sure we're meant to be." Ella's like, "Okay, we can do this for another week. Gimmie those lips!"

Wren is staring at Hanna's lips. Just staring at them. Hanna props her leg up but NOT as an invite for Wren. Wren takes this as an invite, of course, and Hanna has to reject him—THANK GOD. If they actually kissed again I was going to punch Wren in the f*cking face.

Naked swim girl time. Paige won't reveal to Emily that she saw her kiss Nate, and Emily's like, "Listen. Gonna almost tell you what you already know but not quite." Paige has had enough of Emily's lesbian lies this week and walks away.

Spencer shows the e-mailed video to Aria and Hanna, which now features Noel and Jenna walking into the Sex Party House/Crypt of Golden Bras. Then Maya is seen walking away from the house before being snatched by an off-camera figure. So now we know that neither Noel, Jenna, or Garrett killed Maya. GOD, THIS SHOW!

SumOlogy: Spencer Texas Ranger pulls together some MAJOR evidence amongst some great twists and turns.

Grade: B+

Leftovers

I can't put my finger on just why this was one of my favorite episodes of the year, but it really was. Every girl had an interesting storyline, nothing was a red herring, and there were major developments in The Case of The Other Missing Bisexual Girl. Can't ask for much more than that.

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