'Degrassi' Recap: "Sabotage, Part 1"

08/14/2012

You should probably help Degrassi win the Best High School Show Ever Competition. You should probably do that.

This is Degrassi, so as usual, Clare is in the front of the classroom telling you how much better she is than you with an abuse montage on the side that you didn't really need to see because who could ever forget Señor Shostak and his sexual hands of glory? Clare hasn't, and in between running from Eli and hiding in storage closets, she's looking for other victims! Anyone else been touched by an Asher?

Luke's sneaking around Degrassi for no real reason other than to stare at Bianca's breasts and give them Pistons tickets, which is weird, because why would he have to go all the way to school to do that? Does he not know about The Dot? Little Miss Steaks? There are only three public places in Toronto, he should at least use them.

Clare's still in the storage closet until the hockey team rushes in for their weekly 11AM beer fest, because high school is never too early to start bein' a bro. Luke offers Clare a beer, but Clare's like, "Excuse me, do you not see me over here being better than all of you? Please go back to drinking your drivel before I get my boyfriend to write a play about you."

Speaking of that play, Dave is finally down to kiss Tristan, and yet he's the one giving the cheek. When Tori compliments Dave (those are pretty much the only lines Tori Santamaria gets, compliments and trendy phrases), Dave assumes, naturally, that she wants a giant taste of his face. Tori's like, "Don't get crazy. I have a boyfriend but no one's written for him in two weeks, so lol jk whatevs." Dave's like, "I have a girlfriend, but I almost got her pregnant and I guess they figured that was enough drama for her this season. She's still hot, though." Tristan gets all OMG about a pizza-eating contest with a grand prize of a role of West Drive. Which is, um, not a real thing, but Tori Santamaria puts her hands on her hips and gets real excited about it.

Clare heads to meet ancient intern Jennifer, who's a successful intern with a lot of opened doors since she OPENED HER LEGS TO ASHER SHOSTAK. Jennifer's like, "I know who you are! You're the crazy sex intern! Byeeee." I'm pretty sure Asher did put his naughty hands all over Jennifer, but we're not gonna find that out just yet. Meanwhile, Alli reminds Clare that she should probably tell her boyfriend Eli about the fact that she got slutted on.

Dallas asks Clare if she wants a beer. And Clare looks him dead in the face and says, "You know what? I've been a bitch this season. I've been a victim this season. But I haven't been nearly as shitty and reckless as I should have been this season. Where's the funnel, bro?"

Turns out, Drew is hating his day job and not knowing all the gossip at Degrassi. His hairy ginger boss has the perfect solution for this giant problem: spend all of your money on it!

Alli's like, "you know, despite how smart and intelligent I am, I still don't understand why books have pages." Dave's like, "Wanna spend time together?" and Alli's like, "Sorry. Gotta run a test study on these books and what these 'pages' things are. Gonna go get some beakers and shit, byeeee."

Clare has spewed everything about Asher to Dallas, who so far has tried to stick his dingaling in Fiona, Imogen, and Katie, so I'm really not feelin' too positive about seeing them in Degrassi storage together, which is really just a bigger, cushier boiler room. But even Dallas says, "So why doesn't your hair-dying hearst-crashing know?" Clare says IDK and kicks off her shoes, so Dallas obviously takes the opportunity to send his tongue straight into Clare's face. Clare slaps Dallas, who wasn't entirely right for his actions, but I can kinda see what he was thinking: drunk and hot girls only want one thing!

Katie and Jake are making out in the hallway because Katie hopes to run into Drew, not knowing that he's virtually dead. Too bad it's Lumberhunk who runs into his ex, who just chugged 3 Buds and is ready to get crunk up in this bitch. Note: I'm gonna need every drunk Clare hallway GIF ever, please.

In case your Scandalous Sex Counter is broken: Clare has now kissed two guys she shouldn't have and has not told Eli about either of them, but will happily tell Dallas about Asher and Jake about Dallas, which makes all the sense of a black polar bear but whatever, I guess. Jake's like JAKE ANGRY JAKE SMASH and Clare's like, "Great idea! Let's smash them all with JOURNALISM!"

The Mall Contest of Supreme Superior Singing Mediocrity time! Tori is singing amidst spacious skies and green hills and rainbow unicorns galloping through fields of rose petals and daisies that shoot glitter from their centers. Dave gets up and does his best Drake impression, which seems to go over well but I'm not exactly sure since I was too busy laughing my face off.

Drew bought Fiona a new TV, which should clear up the whole "I hate penis" thing. Yup, Fiona promptly text-dumps Imogen and announces she's straight. Meanwhile, Clare's ready to destroy the Ice Hounds with THE POWER OF THE WORLD and Eli's not sure about this, girl. And when Eli is not sure about something, that's when you probably shouldn't do it. Eli asks Clare if she's made out with anyone she shouldn't have lately. Clare's like, "not at all, except for the kid I'm writing this article about and the guy who taught me how to write it." Eli's like, "What?" Clare's like, "JK."

Dave becomes a finalist in The Mall Contest of Supreme Superior Singing Mediocrity, which is weird, because Tristan didn't even get to sing! Dave wins the role of West Drive and enough pizza to fill a bathtub and invites all of his new play friends to celebrate.

Everyone spent so much time watching Drew's TV that no one studied, and Bianca has completely closed her legs to Drew. Drew gets SO MAD when Bianca suggests that Drew go back to school and move back in with his mom that HE PUTS HIS 3D GLASSES BACK ON AND GETS COMPLETELY INVISIBLE. Bianca tries to reason with him, but when she looks on the couch, she realizes that Drew's disappeared. Saddened, she walks away. Drew takes off his glasses and instantly reappears, somewhat perturbed.

Dallas is expectedly pissed when Clare publishes that article about the Ice Hounds, and when Clare calls them out for being bros, Dallas says, "Sellin' me out, bro? You're a bro, too!" Clare gets three weeks' detention. Drew gets a motorcycle. No wait, what? Yeah, Drew got a motorcycle and some sweaty helmet head. And stopped by the police.

Clare's all happy because The Ice Hounds miss three games due to three weeks' detention, but Dallas has yet to meet the wrath of Eli Goldsworthy, and has to settle for threatening to air out Clare's dirty Asher laundry before walking away. Eli's like, "What's going on, girl?" and Clare responds, "Listen. Sorta been lying, sorta got fired from my internship, but there's nothing else you need to know, because I definitely didn't kiss Asher or Dallas. I have math." Eli stares at Clare as she glides away, wondering if there's a hearse nearby with which to crash.

SumOlogy: I love Clare this season, even if she's a complete screwup.

Grade: A-

Leftovers

Giving Aislinn Paul things to do is usually a good idea, and I like her a lot more so far this season compared to the last.

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