Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Wren kissed Hanna but I refused to talk about it in last week's recap so I sort of went into denial about that and everything else in my life. NO, I'M NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT IT LET'S JUST GET TO THIS WEEK.

Aria is showing Spencer a picture of the stamp on Maya's arm that Emily remembers and Spencer—Superhero Superwoman Spencer—is freaking DONE solving mysteries because it's ruining her chances of getting into college. And Toby's pants, mostly, but also some of that stuff she's missing out on is graduating from UPenn, but it's a good thing that the random blonde Cece did! How convenient! Now they can go to a party together to schmooze with some random admissions bro Steven, which is great because Spencer looks like she needs to loosen up her vag.

Turns out those cops are gettin' Hanna's blood, because you didn't honestly think Spencer's mom gave a rat's ass about that stupid blonde girl always sniffing around her daughter, did you? Oh, but you bet your ass Hanna's mom is gonna do something about this, where the hell is her phone?!

Hanna's still love-stalking Caleb down hallways and across alleys and up chutes and ladders and he finally gets sick of it and just talks to the wench. He hands Hanna the login for Spencer's site, and then the two stare at each other's lips for nineteen minutes, imagining what it would be like just to taste them one time. It's exactly like sex, but without fondling. Then she gets a text from 'A' saying to go to the Apple Rose Grill tonight at closing time alone or "Caleb will pay," to which I respond LOL cuz Caleb has no money.

Spencer sticks up her judgey ass nose at the text while Hanna considers, you know, putting her life in danger for the kajillionth time. Spencer gives the most hilarious response to this EVER in reminding Hanna that Toby freakin' up and LEFT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY to go chase down Jason DeLaurentis for a resounding ZERO reasons, and she doesn't want that for Hanna, because right, Caleb has never left Rosewood for anything, ever.

Aria walks in on Ezra fighting with his brother Wesley Fitz. You know he's a Fitz before Ezra even says it because by law, all Fitzes are required to be scolding hot. Aria's like, "what's that your hot brother said about an offer?" Ezra responds, "NBD, just wicked amounts of cash for dumping you, girl." Aria's like, "oh, same, I totally turned it down though because money doesn't matter, right?" Ezra is so mad that he just stares at Aria, but the angry glare is so hot that she gets pregnant and has the baby and the child goes to Rosewood and graduates from UPenn and moves to Saratoga in all of like, two seconds.

Ezra keeps talking and what are all these words? Apparently that Jaguar he sold wasn't his to sell, but he did so with Wesley's permission and his mom found out and wants it back, but the buyer wants double the money and he has to borrow it from her. The amount of things I care about in that last sentence are absolutely zero.

Hanna's both longing for Caleb and ignoring Wren's calls, so she's downright miserable, and who better to join in on misery than The Most Miserable Human Being In All Of Television, Emily Goddamn Fields. Emily's like, "listen, it's been an entire week since I've had anything horrible told to me, can you quickly fix something up? Things have been good with Paige and I need to go back to my usual state of grimacing at everything and hating my life." Hanna responds with, "well, we've opened Maya's website without your knowledge." Emily's like, "Oh, my God. You lied to me. This is perfect. Thanks so much, now I'm perfectly unhappy. You're such a horribly good friend."

There's a scene here solely dedicated to Hanna's mom running into Smoking Hot Preacher Man because okay.

Aria's venting to Spencer about Ezra because what else does Aria have to worry about? Certainly not mysterious stalkers or dangerous killers, right. Spencer is trying to pick out her least slutty attire for tonight's party. Aria offers her 300 beaver pelts she can string together into a tuxedo. Spencer briefly considers it.

Cece, Spencer, and Aria make it to this mysterious party, and SHOCKER: it's one of Noel Kahn's Wild Sex Parties! Aria and Spencer get spooked, but Cece insists that they got all the way to this set, so why not go in? Turns out, the stamp is the exact same stamp seen on Maya and Holden, which means that the entire town of Rosewood has only one stamp, and only one weekly sex party.

Emily is watching Maya read poetry to her from the other side, and Emily is silently weeping, because she's unbelievably touched to be so miserable. How much do you want to bet Paige walks in?

Hanna's just staring at her phone again when Ashley Marin walks in all domestic-like. Hanna's like, "you're only nice to me when you're hiding something," and Ashley knows she has to tell her about the blood thing, insisting that Spencer's mom, who still does not give a rat's ass about the Marins, is on the case. With Ashley out of her hair, Hanna heads to the grill to die.

Cece is talking about her sex tape and Spencer and Aria are so yucked out that they want to leave Noel Kahn's Wild Sex Party, until they spot the dashing Noel Kahn hisself holding hands with Jenna "I Can See Now" Marshall and no one's going anywhere until Spencer Hastings, Pet Detective gets back in action. Turns out, Noel only wants to play Truth (sex) with Aria. I wonder what slutty Ezria things he can pull out of her.

Hanna is awaiting at the grill for 'A', but little does she know that it's just Caleb! He's going to kill her and tells her to get in the car, which she does, because if anyone's gonna stab her to death, it might as well be her ex-boyfriend, right? Caleb drives into a dark, mysterious alley where he forces Ashley to come clean about everything that the real 'A' has been up to. Caleb touches her face ever so smoothly and kills Hanna softly.

Okay, so here's what we learned from Truth from Noel vs. Aria and Spencer vs. Jenna:

- Maya had an open invite to Noel's wild sex parties.
- Noel was at one of his wild sex parties the night Ali's grave was dug up.
- Pretty much everyone knows that Aria and Ezra were shagging while he taught Aria.
- Jenna had no idea why Spencer's mom was defending Garrett, but still believes he killed Ali and Maya.
- Jenna and Noel found Emily in a diner, not in the middle of the road like Jenna said. Jenna claims that they were trying to protect someone.
- Jenna really, really wants that video of the night Ali died.
- Spencer really, really wants to know where Ali's body is.
- Kahns are typically very attractive.

Aria calls Ezra to come pick her up and just kidding, it's Wesley.

Smoking Hot Preacher Man is wooing Ashley Marin with his talk of raccoons and rabies, but she gets a phone call from Detective Wilden, to which she promptly answers and threatens to cut his dick off if he touches one single hair on her daughter's head. She also offers to booty call him later that night, but Wilden's keeping his goodies in a jar 'til he gets that precious Marin blood.

Emily's still silently shedding tears of joy, because she's so happy to be so sad and WHAT DO YOU KNOW, PAIGE WALKS IN. Meanwhile, Caleb's still killing Hanna softly and despite the fact that Hanna does not want to die by Caleb's lips he runs in and kisses her and let me tell you, she just DIES OF HAPPINESS. SHE'S DEAD, YOU GUYS.

Aria's gone and Spencer's still stressed out about Jenna when she suddenly remembers that UPenn is why she came here in a slut costume in the first place. Cece calms her down by saying that Stephen (I'm spelling it with a "ph" this time cuz who knows?) was there for about thirty seconds, she threw the envelope at him, he chugged a beer, and then left. Spencer doesn't trust this because she had no hand in it herself, like always.

Ashley Marin and Veronica Hastings have finally touched base, and one horrible mother has fixed a horrible problem for another horrible mother. Ashley explains this to Smoking Hot Preacher Man, who doesn't mind this at all. In fact, it somehow makes Ashley Marin three times hotter, so hot in fact that he forgets that Jesus is watching and sucks face with her right then and there. Jesus is watching indeed, and he's pleased.

Wesley is driving Aria home will she bitches and moans about all the horrible Fitzgeralds, and Wesley can do her one better: does she KNOW that Ezra once got a girl pregnant and Momma Fitzgerald paid the girl off?! No, Aria realizes, she didn't, and the fact that her boyfriend is such a He-Man Woman Slayer disturbs her greatly.

Emily tells Paige that she swears staring at her dead ex's videos is not how she spends her Monday nights—because there's a girl that looks just like Maya on Teen Wolf—and Paige is like, "yeah, I definitely don't do the same thing with my grandfather or anything." Paige smiles. Maya smiles. Paige grazes Maya's boob. This is the strangest conversation I've ever heard.

Aria goes into Ezra's on a freakin' mission, you guys, and immediately presents The Case Of The Missing Girl & Baby to Ezra. Ezra begrudgingly reveals that Maggie is real, and everything that Wesley said was super real, and Maggie was never allowed to talk to Ezra again. Aria is hurt, but once she looks into Ezra's eyes she immediately forgets the last 24 hours of her life, because they're just that blinding. She goes into his apartment for sex and that's a wrap on Ezria for this week.

Set to Tyler Blackburn's "Find A Way" (which is LOLZ FOREVER for me), Spencer calls Toby and admits that she misses him making her orgasm and stuff before getting an e-mail saying that her UPenn letter was received. Then she really has an orgasm.

SumOlogy: All the horrible men.

Grade: B

Leftovers

"THESE ARE MY MOST COLLEGIATE LOOKING BLAZERS!"

"You're mean when you're cute."

"You are so much prettier than Jenna. I don't get what all the fuss is about."

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