Clare's at home, staring into space and trying to imagine what life would be like if she didn't go to Degrassi, because in the real world, the ratio of horrible people to just okay ones is much more skewed towards completely average guys who don't try and take advantage of teenage girls by making out with them. Too bad she does go to Degrassi, where horrible people are everywhere just waiting to suck on your face. But when Eli walks in all charming and sh*t holding 30,000 newspapers with which to read Clare's article 30,000 times, they're both shocked to discover that her piece didn't make the issue. Something's up, you guys, and it's got something to do with Asher's raging hormones!

Maya's at school just dreaming of Campbell's lips and pondering why they're so off limits, and forces Campbell into picking the second date because GODDAMMIT THIS IS GOING TO WORK. Mo's there for a second and then he goes away, and then Tori reminds the viewers for the 90th time that Campbell is going to be a gajillionaire someday, so if she wants his penis, she better get it now before some other chick gobbles it up.

Clare reveals to Alli that big secret smooch, and Alli freaks when she finds out Eli doesn't know. Clare's like, "Hold on for a second. Seriously? Have you seen how insanely hot yet freakishly normal Eli has been in Season 12? It's like he's completely forgotten the fact that he's a phone-chucking car-crashing hoarding suffocating lunatic. There's no way I can tell him that my completely senile boss wants my sex, he'll probably punch him in the face or drive a monster truck over his house or write a blog. No way."

KC is chatting with a really smokin' pretty Bianca about this Degrassi Academic Somethingorwhat and the key to winning—somehow—is hooking up KC's mom with Mr. Thompson. Mr. Thompson puts it out there: KC's mom is smokin' hot, and he'd really like to nail her, if that's okay with KC. It totes is!

At the internship, Clare tells Asher that what they did was so wrong, and Asher's like, "Yeah, I know, but my wife wants a divorce and I was just looking to fool around with a sidepiece, you feel me?" Clare's like, "Not really, but here's what you should know about divorce: it's really fun! My mom did it and then I dated my stepbrother. He was a slut, but that was pretty fun too. Over it now and dating my dream guy!" Asher responds with, "Speaking of your dream guy, still running that article, just on Friday. Wanna go to a press conference at City Hall with me so that I can stare at your mouth some more?" That sounds like a good idea to Clare.

After that press conference, Clare has completely forgotten about Asher's gross harassment antics and is back to being all OMG LOL LIFE IS SO AMAZING I FORGET THAT IT SUCKS. While showing Clare her very first byline in tomorrow's paper, Asher starts talking about how Clare reminds him of himself, and would very much like to make out with himself. Clare struggles to get away from him, but manages to escape his disgusting clutches and Asher drives off, presumably to go around the block once and then try and make out with Clare/himself again.

KC asks his mom if she's coming to Regionals and KC's mom is like, "I'm sorry, who are you?" KC's like, "Um, your son? Seriously? You pulling a Jenna right now?" KC's mom responds, "Oh, right! Jenna! I know her, because she's the girl who had my son's baby and then completely… riiiiight, you're that guy. You're KC. You're my son. Right. I'll be at your Regionals and I'll make sure to look hot for your teacher."

Clare is unbelievably surprised and upset that Asher tried to kiss her again because no one ever does anything twice. Alli suggests that Clare get a new co-op, and Clare's like, "No way! Bad people are bad, but that doesn't mean I should do the smart thing and remove myself from a bad situation. I should probably just stick around and wait for it to happen a third time, because then I get to cry about it with you again but on the upside, it's also you and me spending quality friend time together!" Alli sighs.

Tori, Tristan, and Maya are all texting about The Curious Case of Campbell's Disappearing Lips, and their teacher reads it aloud to a really peeved Campbell. But it allows Maya to confront him on the issue, where she explains that she's never kissed a boy before and this is her one shot to do so. Campbell's like, "Yeah, well, too bad you only like me cuz' I'm rich. I totally wanted to kiss you, but I needed to be sure you didn't have cooties. But now I think you do. So I'm gonna walk this way and you just stand here. Bye."

As it turns out, Asher reports Clare on sexual harassment and loses her co-op, and that really jerky boss lady of his refuses to hear Clare's claims that she's innocent, but is willing to put the matter to rest if Clare simply gets the f*ck out of her face. Clare can't believe that Asher has done three bad things now. People don't do bad things three times!

KC's mom breaks some horrible news to KC: some guy named Kevin just called claiming to be KC's dad. KC's like, "You're mistaken, lady. I don't even have a dad." KC's mom responds with, "Listen, can we just stop pretending that people who aren't Degrassi regulars don't exist? Your dad is getting out of jail and he wants to see you, you know, give you some advice on how not to go to jail." KC stands there surprised, just so surprised. What in the holy Canadian hell is a "dad"?

I'm not sure where Clare was for this scene, but Aislinn Paul storms off to find Asher and screams in front of everyone that he was a sexual harasser guy. And it was freaking awesome.

Maya is channeling her tragic sadness and untouched lips into a beautiful violin concierto when there's a knock on the door, and Campbell Freaking Saunders is just leaning against the door, standing there all casual-like. "Hey beb," he says. "So I just tore Google a new asshole and realized that cooties aren't real. Let's kiss." And he plants a big smooch on her face. Squeal!

Oh wait, now we come crashing back down to Earth again because Clare is still crying about Asher and Alli is gettin' real tired of being the supportive friend for a girl who just won't learn her lesson. Alli's like, "you should probably tell Eli, and maybe stop talking to me about it?" Then Eli comes up bearing gifts, and it's her framed piece of shame and regret. She tells Eli she loves him as a tear slides down her cheek. Munro Chambers can't fix everything but his lips sure help.

SumOlogy: So is Eli never going to find out? Ever?

Grade: B

Leftovers

I am completely on board with Maya and Campbell now. Dylan Everett is awesome.

I'm always curious about how playing a villain works. Like, I'm sure Paul Popowich (who played Asher) is a really nice guy and he's clearly a great actor, but what the hell does Aislinn say to him after shooting the creep scenes? "Great, that was an awesome job you did terrifying my character?" "Hot lips?" "Let's do it again?" Strange.

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Terron R. Moore

Degrassi