Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna broke into Mona's brain and found a code, which is the key to the truth about EVERYTHING. Just kidding, it'll be the key to like 80 more things to freak out about, because Rosewood mysteries are never to be solved. Or finished… Alison's not even dead, she's just dying slowly while we figure all this crap out. Whatevs. Episode 8!
Hanna is convinced that Mona is trying to help the liars, and Spencer's like, "Well, I didn't figure this out so it must not be true." Emily's still trying to help Nate resurrect his dead cousin or something by hiking to the top of a mountain, but she's not gonna tell him about the website starring her face. Aria is running around the room flailing her arms because she has no idea what's happening. Emily gives one crack at the password and quits. She usually quits everything after one go.
Byron reveals to Aria that Meredith got the job at Rosewood High. Aria gets so peeved she throws a bunch of zebra fabric at him and storms off.
Nate and Emily hike up a mountain and Emily wears a bowler hat so 'A' won't recognize her. Nate reveals that Jenna stood him up on their last date, and Emily is still not happy because Emily is NEVER happy. Nate's like, "I wonder how people kill people." Emily's like, "With guns." Nate says, "Don't be afraid of me because I'm probably gonna try and kill Garrett." This is Rosewood, buddy. No one's terrified of anyone until it's dark and knives are out.
Aria heads over to have sex with Ezra because it's the only thing she can do in these situations, and runs into cockblock extraordinaire Ezra's mom. Ezra doesn't seem too excited to see her—I wonder if she spanked him as a baby Ezra—and tries to avoid the three hanging out. Anyone else sniff something up around here?
Spencer is trying to crack the password to the site, and she's still pissed that she didn't find this out on her own. So in order to plot her revenge on Hanna, she plans to use Caleb in order to break into the site. Hanna's like, "You bitch." Then she gets a text from Wren so life's not going too bad for her. Keegan Allen bursts into the room furious and ACTING! because Jason is freakin' gone, man. He shouts a bunch of words and then leaves and I'm not sure what he was trying to say other than he was going to find Jason and challenge him to an ab-off.
Wren and Hanna meet up and Wren reveals that they're moving Mona to Saratoga, because they want her under high security and she's been freaking out and not taking her pills and singing that damn Carly Rae Jepsen song over and over again. Hanna insists that Wren do what he can to keep Mona oh wait sorry, is that Caleb? The two stare at each other for an entire 32 minutes before Caleb just slowly backs away.
The next day, Spencer tries to ask Caleb about the password thing, and he's like, "This is clearly going to lead to someone's horrible death but I'm fine with that. Let's crush Mona."
Aria asks Emily for fashion advice for meeting Ezra's mom and Emily's like, "Um, lesbian here. This is Spencer territory."
'A' texts Spencer ("Mona's almost gone. Hanna's next.") and Hanna reveals that she knew this because she's been talking to Wren. Spencer immediately forgets that she has a boyfriend and freaks out over the fact that Wren has been talking to Hanna over her. Hanna has bigger problems: what if she has to give her blood away? Will she have any left?
Spencer and Aria are at Spencer's but once she finds her mom's bag unattended, she takes Garrett's file and takes camera phone photos of it because FINALLY SPENCER GETS TO SAVE THE WORLD! They go through the pages and BLAH BLAH BLAH LET'S FIND BART COMSTOCK, basically. Aria believes that, knowing nothing about anything, she can do what Spencer's mom couldn't.
Emily reveals to Paige that she got poisoned from the flask and she was a victim of it as well, but Paige has the real revelation: Emily spent part of that night with her. She came over and totally macked on her and kissed her. Paige was like, "It was the dreamiest kiss I ever had in my life," and Emily goes, "Don't care. What happened next?" Paige responds that she knew Emily forgot the kiss ever happened, and Emily says that of course she doesn't, kissing her was gross and why would she ever want to remember that?
Wren couldn't say anything to change the board's mind and Mona's freakin' gone, unless Hanna can talk to their primary physicians and get them to keep her here so Hanna can wrangle more EVIDENCE! out of a goddamn lunatic.
Aria goes sleuthing at that address, which is a movie theatre. She finds Bart, who remembers Maya getting into a police car with Garrett because that was the most sensible thing Maya could do at the time.
Spencer is learning gangster hacking tips from Caleb and do you feel the chemistry here?! Wow, Hanna is going to be pissed when they hook up- where is Keegan Allen when you need him?! Caleb breaks into the site, and it's a video diary site Maya made for herself, with tons of stuff for Spencer to investigate! Yay!
At the dinner banquet gala fancy thing, Aria discovers that Ezra is f*cking loaded, but prefers to be humble and poor and stuff. Which is stupid, but Aria likes that about him.
Emily is creeping out at the campsite at night because THAT'S TOTALLY SAFE AND THERE'S NO WAY A KILLER IS ON THE LOOSE, RIGHT and then Nate magically appears for Emily to subtly talk at about kissing Paige.
It's finally time for Ezra's mom and Aria to have that scene together and Ezra's mom is, to put it lightly, a nosy bitch. She tells Aria all about her family and how much they suck, before warning Aria that she's not going to ruin Ezra's life, and she'll pay her to dump him. Aria is so pissed she throws her drink at a plant. Ezra tells his mom to stop being such a cockblock.
Hanna reads her speech to Mona's physicians on these pretty purple flashcards. She says that the both of them used to be really close and really ugly, but if Mona leaves, she's never going to get the chance to be as pretty as her. This speech really isn't all that convincing to me except for the "no one will care a brown rat's ass" part. But it works, and they delay moving Mona.
Emily goes to Paige's in the middle of the night and why does everyone Emily touches in this episode suddenly want to kill? Paige wants to maim the person who effed up Emily's flag, and Emily's like, "That's hot. Let's suck face."
Aria's actually concerned that she ruined Ezra's life, and Byron has to convince her that she didn't, nor could she ever. Not gonna joke about it because it was probably the single best non-Ezra scene that Aria or Byron has ever done.
The trio goes through Maya's entire site dedicated to loving Emily while Emily is hooking up with Paige, because that's not wrong. But then they discover a video where Maya looks horribly worried. Emily will get to that when she's done playing with Paige's chest mountains, I guess. Till next week!
Leftovers
I love that Keegan Allen was there for ONE scene and then ran away never to return.
What do you guys think of Emily/Paige and Spencer/Caleb? Lemme know in the comments.
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