'Degrassi' Recap: "Closer To Free, Part 1"

07/31/2012

Jenna Middleton is singing about being alone because it's not like she has her child to keep her company, right? Anyway, Becky Baker has to butt in with her subtle Jesus singing and invites Jenna to be best friends because she tried it with Eli and he basically peed on her face. Jenna Middleton's like I'll let you know and Becky Baker responds with GOD COMMANDS IT! Opening credits time!

So Jenna goes home and does what everyone does nowadays: stalks Becky Baker on Facebookrange. She and Alli just can't figure this out, but with Alli's mom there to remind Jenna that she's a pregnancy addict, Jenna comes to realize that hanging out with Becky Baker would surely be better than this.

Drew is playing basketball but his head's still not right. Plus, he lost his sleeves. Coach I Forgot His Name But He's Literally Been On This Show For Forever Now benches him until he can find his shirt sleeves, and what do you know, he gets stuck doing a health assignment with Fiona. Drew flexes his biceps and Fiona's like, "uh, do you not know that I've been gay for like three seasons now? Lose your penis and maybe we can talk."

Clare's rocking her internship like a baller but her boss Asher stumbles upon her geography assignment and just has to butt in. I don't like this guy. Something's up. Not feelin' him. He's douchey. He's gonna go wrong. I can feel it. I can just tell. You watch. I'm right. Yes.

Jenna hangs out with Becky Baker, who's surprisingly invited the entire church group called Odd Christians Crew Gang Jesus Lord Praise Them All. She starts playing for them, knowing in her horrible heart that she's a terrible sinner.

Drew's all mad about his concussion and Bianca tries to fix that by shoving her tongue down his throat, Drew's like OKAY and her mom's like BAD KIDS. So Drew's still sad, and Bianca decides to do his health assignment for him.

Clare, Connor (oh hi), and Adam are working on their geography assignment and while Connor and Adam just want to be average, Clare insists that she wants to be great and offers to do the whole project herself, because of course her internship and Munro Chambers can just wait.

Jenna's still putting on a concert for Odd Christians Crew Gang Jesus Lord Praise Them All and they seem to enjoy it because it's rare that a regular human ever visits them. Jenna somehow gets upset because Becky is obviously trying to convert her, and storms off to be alone. Becky gets on her knees and does 40 Hail Marys in order to save Jenna's lost soul.

The next day, Jenna's still venting about Becky and Odd Christians but Luke Baker walks in and Jenna's like "oh, excuse my stuttering but I'd like to lick your face." Luke's like "I'm cool with that but of course there's a trick in this plan. Here's my Christian sister!" and then Becky walks in with a rosary and a bucket of holy water. Jenna's pissed.

Becky is really persistent on being Jenna's friend so of course Jenna has to reveal the fact that she had a baby she gave up for adoption, a baby who's name that, gosh, she just totally forgot. Becky says that God doesn't care about her past, so long as she joins their group and stares into Luke's eyes longingly without touching him.

Clare's at her internship working on her group project and Asher's like THEY SUCK, by the way, what the hell is Twitter? Clare starts to show him the way until she realizes that Connor started the hashtag #StuffClareSays and HOW DARE HE.

Drew's back at the store where he saved that guy and then died, and manages to calm an angry customer because Drew's just a goddamn genius savior. The guy at the counter asks if he wants a job because Drew can't play basketball but he can certainly woo the ladies!

Clare is pissed at someone who's not Eli for once but Connor's like DON'T BLAME YOUR ASSINESS ON MY ASPERBER'S and then just tweets a bunch more #StuffClareSays tweets. Clare storms off to go work on that project so angrily.

Jenna's trying not to sit directly on Luke's crotch while Becky is watching, but then Becky gets a call from her friend and it's clearly sexy time. Luke lays on some more religion inches away from Jenna's face and Jenna's like "your sister's so annoying but Jesus sounds so good coming out of your lips." And she just starts making out with Luke. Jesus is watching!

Drew's applying for a job and of course his mom thinks that's stupid because her job is to think that everything is stupid.

Jenna's considering converting to Christianity but she's really considering converting to The Holy Church of Luke's Golden Weiner. But Luke's like, "sorry, but I keep my goodies in a jar. I really want to have sex with you but Becky or Jesus might record it and put it on the internet and I'm not okay with that. I mean, this IS Degrassi. So you know, peace be with you and stuff. Sorry. Also, how's your kid doing?" Jenna totally blanks out. What's a "kid"?

SumOlogy: Random question: would you convert to Christianity for a Klondike bar?

Grade: B-

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