That mountainous beast pictured above is a Bullmastiff. Apparently it's a dog. The lady is driving him around because the creature outweighs her by one metric fuckton. Plus, it couldn't possibly be more terrifying if it had a chainsaw for a mouth. Why the fuck WOULDN'T you drive that thing around? Why wouldn't you drive it to the middle of nowhere, coax it out of the car with a dead horse then hop back in and drive like hell while the Army launched surface-to-surface-missiles at it? Not that those would kill it. But perhaps it would be confused by the tickle of the fire and the breeze of the explosions and you could get far, far away and start a new life. Maybe, once you have started all over, you could spare a few moments to reflect on the decisions that forced you to this. Namely, purchasing a gamma ray soaked, mutant whale-dog as a pet. That thing is not an animal meant to be kept by humans. It would make more sense if WE were kept as pets by THEM. And maybe that's what's going on in that picture. There's simply no way that chick is in charge of that dog. She couldn't even lift up its food bowl. Quite simply, she has to do what it wants, when it wants, and right now, it wants a motherfucking ride, bitch.
I would imagine, since they're called Bullmastiffs, that they were bred to eradicate bulls from the planet (source needed). Why they have not done so is anyone's guess. Personally, I imagine that, as foolish people adopt them, they have realized that world domination is within their grasp. They are moving slowly to the top of the food chain one idiot household at a time. And, occasionally, some stupid asshole gets in their way, and they have to crack out a little Mastiff justice.
Such was the case in Ljubljana, which seems to be missing some key vowels, in 2010. This unpronounceable hole in Europe seems to be somewhere in the mostly radioactive stew that once comprised the Soviet Union. It seems that one of Ljubljana's 52-year old residents, dissatisfied with having enough money to feed himself, owned not one but THREE of these leviathans. The article doesn't mention how much three of these creatures eat, possibly because math doesn't have a number for it yet. Nonetheless, it seems reasonable to extrapolate that three Bullmastiffs eat about as much as one man's entire paycheck can cover. I imagine this guy paid rent by walking his trio of hellhounds to his landlord's apartment and just sort of loitering around in sight for awhile. Eventually the landlord would have to crack the door, wave a shaky hand, and call out "Thanks. See you next month." I'd guess car payments were made in roughly the same way. No matter how far behind he was, can you imagine a repo man, or even an army of repo men, brave enough to make a play for the car? SEAL Team Six wouldn't have the balls to take on three of those gargantuan freaks.
It turns out that these three particular Bullmastiffs did some hard time. A passerby who had obviously not heard that these ravening beasts of the Apocalypse lived in his neighborhood, foolishly walked by the house. Unaccountably, the devil dogs were loose and attacked the living shit out of him. One of these nightmare pets could eat an entire human in about 16 seconds. It seems like three of them together could kill a man simply by thinking about it. Somehow, the victim managed to survive and the dogs were carted off to the canine slammer. Presumably by about six of those giant helicopters with two rotors the military uses to move tanks.
Their owner began the laborious legal battle to have his attack-demons returned to him. He kept lobbying and throwing all the money he was saving on dog food into the cause. They dogs, however, were determined to make it as difficult as possible. The courts had assigned them a dog handler, I presume by the rock/paper/scissors method. One of the animals pretended to be sick, and, when the handler came in to check on it, they ganged up and killed his ass. They killed him all up and down the cage.
Not surprisingly, the courts ignored the owner's renewed pleas for leniency and ordered the dogs exterminated. Also not surprisingly, it would appear they couldn't find anything that would destroy these three monsters. In the midst of their research into controlled nuclear strikes, the owner somehow got the four-legged trolls back. This ignited a national furor over the release of the hardened canine criminals. While I agree with this reaction, I don't understand why there wasn't a country-wide riot when the guy first came home with three animals that wouldn't fit in a horse trailer. If I saw that moving into my neighborhood I would've gone berserk. At least until one of those things turned its dull, hateful eyes on me. Then I would have shut the fuck up and locked myself in the house.
At any rate, the owner had his precious babies back. Turns out they killed him a bit later on while he was in the garden. That's right: they killed the one guy who had always been on their side, the only person to stick up for them after their spree of mutilation and murder, the only individual who would give them unconditional love forever. Seriously, these things just do not give a fuck.
Up till now, this story has been fairly predictable. Guy has some dogs bred to kill bulls or dragons or Decepticons or whatever, dogs murder strangers and eventually owner, too. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Everyone but the guy knew it was coming. Now this shit gets weird.
It turns out the owner was molesting the dogs. You know, with his dick. The article says he "used them for sex," as explained by the goddamn veterinarian SVU. How in fire-breathing Christ can a man use three dogs, each the size of a dinosaur, for sex? They would have to be willing, right? I mean, it's not like he could take them sexually against their will. Shit, he couldn't take them for a WALK against their will. If there's anyone reading this who's ever organized a girl-and-donkey show in Mexico, I guarantee they won't be able to figure this out either. Did he tranquilize them? How the goddamn hell much tranquilizer do you need to put 900 pounds of dog brute to sleep so you can tap that ass? He was already spending his entire income on food for the bastards, how could he possibly have afforded enough rufies to date rape Cujo Cubed?
An "animal behavior expert" (good luck, fucker!) says police found "pictures and other evidence" of the sexual abuse in the owner's garage. The expert also mentioned that the dogs were naturally aggressive and that they would have wanted revenge. OK, Internet, I stand corrected. I didn't think these creatures could be more horrifying and suddenly I learn that they are capable of PLOTTING FUCKING REVENGE. Not only that, but their revenge is as cold and ruthless as Tony Montana's. They didn't give a weasel cock who stood in their way. They shredded an innocent pedestrian and a court-appointed handler in order to get to the man responsible for making them gimps. They killed their owner, who had saved them from execution, knowing for a fact that they would face certain death for the crime.
Which they did. The article doesn't mention how they finally managed to kill those things. Probably because it's now in a top secret government lab being weaponized so the the rest of the world can enjoy its awesome, Satan-dog-destroying power.
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