Previously on The Real World, Brandon was being the least insane guy on the cast, believe it or not, which means he's due for some CUH-RAZY.
Since any minute spent sober is a minute wasted in Marie's eyes, she and Brandon are getting tanked while Laura and LaToya throw shade on the sidelines. Brandon's like, "so glad I'm an alcoholic and not an addict!" and LaToya reminds him that, you know, those are both equally bad things.
LaToya has a crush on boat driver Lee's son Rikky, which is super convenient now that Swift and Toya aren't talking. Now she has a reason to pop her ass and open her legs, and that reason isn't a complete asshole who doesn't know how to let things go!
Trey is complaining because the house is a shithole and Marie is bathing in Eggos on the couch not bothering to reach for any fucks.
Brandon is creaming-his-pants excited about Alyssa coming over and Marie and LaToya feel the urgent need to rap about this, ya'll. You know what's cool? That everyone in the cast still mostly gets along and we're five episodes in. Even Swift and Toya sat together during the rap like they hadn't spent last week trying to out-scream each other.
Brandon likes Alyssa and Marie likes footballs. All balls, really. Things we already knew. Then I'm just gonna copy/paste Brandon's entire monologue because it's actually pretty goddamn brilliant.
"The funny thing about me, though. I love waking up next to a girl. I love making her breakfast. I love being the reason a female smiles. I'm sitting in a house full of chiseled dudes, and she's touchin' me, and feelin' me, like I am that way. Like I am beautiful to her. I'm just average, too. There's nothing special about me. There's really nothing special about me. I've got a very average body, a very average dick danglin'. Funny thing is, there's really nothing too special about me. But she had me feelin' like a fuckin' champion."
Alyssa said 8pm but it's 9:18 and when Brandon calls, she doesn't seem that excited about it. But completely ignoring that, Brandon starts lighting candles and getting snazzy and making Trey's bed. By 10:45 everyone else has admitted to themselves that Alyssa probably isn't coming, and Trey is the first to say that he thought Alyssa was out of his league. Brandon is venting in the confessional like Alyssa wasn't just trying to get a tour of the Real World house, then just starts chuggin' beers like a real man who just needs to deal with his feels.
We get into the city and Brandon starts telling bouncers and strangers and trees and squirrels about his disastrous night, and Marie is completely fine with any plan that involves drinking. Robb takes him to a corner and tells him to stop putting himself down because he's got a big 'ol heart. I mean, just look at that monologue!
The gang finds out that their group job is going to be working at an aquarium, which makes me hella jealous because animals are the fucking best. Brandon starts cleaning and Trey can't appreciate that. Marie threatens to burn Trey with her cigarette because he's being an certified douchebag, and Trey repays her by rubbing his smelly junk all over her pillows. And just to be clear, by "smelly junk", I mean his sweaty penis.
The gang heads to Coral World for the first time, and aside from hooking up with sea lions and sharks, their boss Sarah ignites a fire in Brandon's crotch. Trey finds a pirate hat! IT'S THE PIRATE HAT YOU GUYS!
"If there's one thing I'm really good at, other than pulling pranks off, it's killing interviews."
The gang has to pass a swim test in order to secure their job, and it turns out to be too much for our girl Toya. But instead of kicking her in the balls and spitting on her face, Swift actually comes to her rescue! Too bad karma comes back and bites her in the ass, and she gets bit by a sea urchin! But it makes Swift and LaToya friends again! YES!
Dive operations = Trey and Robb. Aquarium = LaToya and Brandon. Sea Lions = Marie, Swift, and Laura. Laura already wants to know how big sea lions' dicks are. On the way home, LaToya gets Rikky's digits, which means there's gonna be some wild boat sex in our future… until Lee breaks the news that Rikky has a girlfriend!
Brandon's gettin' all 'motional at the bar and vents to Other Brandon about how sad he is in his life. I actually feel too bad for him to make a joke, so let's just awkwardly shuffle onto the next scene, k? Regardless of how the roomies (and even me) abuse Brandon, he's got feelings that everyone goes through, rich or poor or dating or single or straight or gay or Brandon or Swift.
"I just miss her. I know it's lame. I know it's wack, I know it's not like me, but I miss her. I'm used to running to her whenever I need anything and… I just need her voice. She is the most amazing, most beautiful girl in the whole world, and I don't know how to be the man I'm supposed to be."
Can Brandon be a screenwriter? His words are friggin' incredible! I would totally watch a soapy rom-com written by the crazy gauge kid from The Real World St. Thomas:
"I'll kill everyone on this island and not give a fuck."
AND THEN IT BECOMES A SLASHER MOVIE!
The next morning, LaToya and Rikky get an impromptu football tossin' date and it's precious. Whenever LaToya smiles, I'm pretty sure Jesus plants another flower somewhere. Swift addresses Brandon about his drinking, and tells him that he's making the roommates uncomfortable. Brandon tries running away from his problems on the treadmill and doesn't get very far cuz it's a treadmill. But he decides to go to an NA meeting to see if he can kick his dirty habits.
Trey—who is somehow becoming the biggest douchebag in the house—decides to make a Clean Up After Yourself sign, but Robb and Marie have a better idea: how about making a giant mess and not cleaning up after ourselves? So they smear their entire counter in peanut butter and draw the roomies in it! Robb literally cleans the table off with his belly, but not even Trey can be upset at them when the drawing included his muscles and his weiner!
SumOlogy: LaToya and Swift made up, and Brandon's doin' okay (but not for long)!
Grade: B
Leftovers
Trey was totally right in our interview: these kids really did make their own fun.
---
Follow on Ology: Terron R. Moore | TVOlogy
Follow on Twitter: @cityfitch | @TVOlogy
Comments (1)