Previously on Degrassi, nothing was dramatic and everyone got along really well. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH okay let's get started.

Alli's doing science work in the lab and Dave walks in all "wanna love on you, girl" because now that he's seen the inside of her pants it's clearly all he can think about. But that's cool, because Alli totally wants to turn this place into the boiler room for 13 minutes, so she says AOK, and things start getting hot, you guys. Like, super hot. Like actually causing a fire hot. Like NO SERIOUSLY DAVE YOUR HOODIE IS ON FIRE hot. He gets all sorry and runs out. Sex is so much trouble!

The next day, Mr. Simpson's all WHY YOU SO RECKLESS GIRL and Alli, out of nowhere, confesses that she's been spending her entire life perfecting a breast cancer-detecting breathalyzer, which is both awesome and WTF SINCE WHEN, OKAY. Mr. Simpson doesn't understand this but he hit up his frat bros at MIT and they totally want to recruit Alli, so much so that she could graduate a year early and spend her whole time pouring breast cancer liquids into beakers and saving the world, NBD.

Marisol looks highly upset with her life while Mo is making sounds or something about University. Jake makes it very clear that he's not applying to University and regular-haired Katie probably wouldn't have cared but new Black-Haired Katie only exists to judge you for your actions. Jake's like "you suck" and Katie's like "you suck more" and Marisol really wants them to swallow each other's tongues because it's not like she and Mo are getting any.

Campbell's having #peerpressure problems because Maya's his friend and everything that's not hockey literally disgusts Dallas, including gay people and gay things and rainbows and Skittles and happiness. Things get awkward when Campbell mysteriously avoids the opportunity to stare at girls in spandex, lying about a girlfriend he has back home. Is he gay?

Alli is super nervous about her upcoming presentation and Clare is totally chill about her life because it's not like Eli is crashing cars or breaking and entering or throwing iPhones at children or anything. She comes clean to Dave about her MIT opportunity and at first he's bummed because how's he gonna have all that sex if she's far off in Not On The Show Land? But then he just starts hoping they can survive anything together, which is funny because neither of them seem to have any idea that ALLI IS SO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT TO BE PREGNANT.

Campbell is talking to himself in the gym and Dallas walks in on him committing the act of Not Really Having A Girlfriend Back Home. Campbell feels awkward around the boys because all they do is make fun of him, but Dallas says "listen, gonna need you to be a lady lovin' manslut if you're gonna be a bro, bro." Campbell mutters yeah, okay. But I bet you he's thinking about a big penis right now.

Jake is super excited about being a construction worker and Jake's dad basically says LOLNO. He tosses a can into the trash and Jake flips an entire bucket of shits because cans go in recycling. When did Jake become a treehugger? Isn't he a lumberjack?

Alli aces her MIT presentation and gets a full scholarship (DUH!) and her parents are so excited that their little tramp daughter has grown up and stopped slutting around. Jenna is there because what the hell else is Jenna gonna do and Alli realizes that she missed two of her pills, which sucks because she's been nailing Dave in the boiler room in between every period. The next day, she makes a Giant Dave Sex Calendar and it looks pretty damn full of raunchy stuff, so Clare suggests she take a pregnancy test because she's obviously carrying a little Dave inside her.

Jake reconsiders applying to University but just in the freaking nick of time, Hockey Asshole Luke Baker comes tossing a can in the wrong receptacle. To Jake, however, this is the equivalent of filling a balloon with pee and vomit and AIDS and then smashing it on the ground, so IT'S TIME FOR A BROFIGHT! Mrs. Oh breaks it up because oh, hey, Mrs. Oh is here you guys! Been missing her since the credits.

Alli brings her pregnancy test home only to run into her mom, because moms unfortunately live in the same place as their children and Alli couldn't just do the smart thing and do it in the Degrassi bathrooms. Alli says that the test is Jenna's and Alli's mom is like THAT SLUT! She's so pissed that Jenna is trying to ruin her life again and is totally going to actually kill her when she gets home.

Campbell is out with the boys and Dallas is like BITCHES BITCHES BITCHES so he tries to get Campbell to play on Bianca's boobs or somethin'. Don't think it works though because we immediately cut away from that scene, so forget about it I suppose.

Jenna comes humming into the Bandhari household because life's a peach and the hellfire that is Alli's mom storms into her life for that pregnancy test she has no idea even exists. She calls her a "floozy", HAAAAH. She gives Jenna a curfew which is SO NOT FAIR because Alli's the slut, but if anyone's gonna take the fall for having a baby, it should be the girl who totally forgot she already has one.

Luke tries to mack on Black-Haired Katie, who literally stares and judges him for a full 10 minutes before saying Jake is her boyfriend and creepily gliding away. Jake vents about convincing his dad to let him be a construction maverick but mostly about getting him recycle because seriously does he not have any idea how important that is to Canada's syrupy ecosystem? Black-Haired Katie wants to help with this plan!

Oh wait, we're back to Campbell, who's now trying to hit on Bianca with lines like this: "Do you wanna get outta here? Go get some sex?" She throws water in his face, which is HILARIOUS.

Alli only just realized that she has to wait 10 days before taking the test (so let me get this straight, she's a gifted genius mad scientist who didn't realize that pregnancy tests aren't instant?), and she asks Jenna for pregnancy symptoms so that she can pretend to have each one and just tell herself she's having Dave's baby already. Jenna's like, "nice try, hun, but you actually have to wait nine months and see. What if it's Drew's? What if it's Johnny's? Oh my gosh, wouldn't that be so funny?" And then Alli punches Jenna in the face.

Katie and Jake are on the roof caressing each other and stuff like it's no big deal, but once they both become aware of the bristling CHEMISTRY going on, Jake starts talking about cans and recycling and proving his worth to his dad. Silly Jake, no one cares about that.

Dave and Alli are watching a movie and Alli's being a moody tender-breasted jerk. Dave's like "why are you being a moody tender-breasted jerk" and Alli's like BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT YOU ARSEHOLE! Dave's real happy about this because it means he gets to keep Alli forever, and when Alli thinks about this, she starts puking. Aw, young love!

SumOlogy: Literally everyone in the universe should have seen this coming.

Grade: B

Leftovers

I think this season has gotten a lot better at managing its characters and storylines. Except for Fiona and Imogen (and perhaps Drew), I genuinely feel like everyone's involved in Showdown, and the episodes aren't feeling so isolated anymore.

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Terron R. Moore

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