In the same way Jon Hamm and others give advice to girls in the column “Ask a Grown Man,” I’m going to attempt to give dating advice to my younger self From a Grown Wo-man. These are in no particular order.
1. No. You are not ugly. How many times do I have to tell you? Now, go read a book.
2. Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel bad. You already make yourself feel bad enough. Oh, yeah. Stop doing that.
3. If you think he cheated on you, he probably did. If you ask him, he’s going to lie. Gather the evidence you need to catch him. (Think Chris Hansen.) Then you will feel both better and worse for being right. Then, get over it. Or get even. It’s up to you. It really won’t matter in like one month.
4. Guys don’t mean everything in the world. They shouldn't define you or make you feel worthy. You should make yourself feel worthy... and all that jazz.
5. There is a difference between love and lust… I think. Talk to your grandparents about it.
6. Trust no one.
7. Trust yourself.
8. You were once a little girl with big dreams. You were innocent and special. Remember that?
9. You know that song, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”? It really should be “Boys Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Girls Just Wanna Make Plans For The Future And Worry About Everything And Spoil The Fun And Get Jealous And Competitive And Play Grown Up Marriage.” Don’t be that girl. Listen to Cyndi Lauper.
10. Breaking up is hard to do. But it is not the end of the world, goddammit.
11. Sometimes guys don’t want to take bullshit so they act like assholes so you leave them alone. Take the hint or you’ll be the asshole.
12. Guys who play games are sometimes called players. You will notice this. Older people who date play games all the time, too. They also play fun games, like Scrabble and Apples to Apples. Play these instead.
13. Guys really aren’t that scary. I promise.
14. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you care about that guy who said he would call you and that he really liked you, but then he didn’t call you, but then he texted you and invited you out, and then flaked on you. Fuck it. And see #8.
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