HEY! WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE DEGRASSI: SHOWDOWN CLIP ON THE SITE TOMORROW. So, you know, you should be here for that.

The one thing you should know about Degrassi is that this is a school that runs on secrets and lies. Like, have you ever checked the cafeteria food? Because I'm pretty sure it's composed of secrets, lies, and saturated fats. Anyway, let's start week two!

And can you imagine that I typed that before Zig starts moaning about hating secrets? Because I completely did, I swear. Either way, Zig is now the lead singer of Whisper Hug, which is literally exactly the worst band name ever, and I know this because I checked the giant list of every band name that hasn't been taken and that was dead last. Anyway, the only thing poorer than Zig's band's name is Zig. ZING! ROLL THOSE CREDITS!

Some girl with black hair that I don't know gets off of a bus and I can't figure out who she is but the camera seems to focus on her a lot. And Imogen seems real excited about her- OH WAIT, IT'S FIONA. Didn't recognize.

Zig is working at the convenience store his mom owns, y'know, because he's poor, but her mom has one super swaggy earring and that has to work.

Dave is this year's Romeo and BOY IS HE IN FOR A SURPRISE AM I RIGHT!!! Alli's all Alli-like and I absolutely love Melinda Shankar in everything that she does this year. Eli announces that Tristan is this year's Juliet and The Jacinta Car Crash literally happens on Dave's face.

Dallas tries to hit on Fiona and when Fiona goes all lipstick lesbo on him, he's shocked. So is Imogen, who apparently was not here for all the gay stuff just yet, and starts to give Fiona the cold shoulder.

Dave is having R&G problems (rhythm & gay) and Eli has to remind him that he's Munro Goddamn Chambers AND THIS IS HAPPENING.

Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rainbow Unicorns (that's my new name for them because Whisper Hug is horrible) are playing and believe they sound fantastic. Zig announces his big four-month anniversary extravaganza starring The Lone Sparkling Earring and Imogen fights hard to hold back her vomit. Maya tells Zig that Tori spent five years' allowance on his gift, and Zig says "that's crazy" because it actually is. Zig tries to cancel the anniversary because he's poor, but of course he doesn't tell Tori that because SECRETS AND LIES, PEOPLE.

Marisol is wearing a really unflattering shirt because I've seen Shanice Banton in person and she's gorgeous. Fiona worries about Imogen giving her shade and when Marisol tells her to stop worrying, Fiona starts worrying more. Then she comes up with a brilliant idea: "let's throw a party and have Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Rainbow Unicorns play at it!" Marisol tells her the only obstacle in her way is Dallas. Fiona says CRAAAPPPP ME AND MY LESBIAN WAYS.

Zig's still poor and is now going to lie, cheat, and steal for Tori because that usually goes well at Degrassi.

Dave figured out how to gay it up and Eli's like THIS ISN'T THE WAY TO DO THINGS! Dave freaks out again because WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM and Eli suggests that he picture Alli's face on Tristan. Which might be strange because of so many reasons but this is ACTING! and you sorta have to get over your fears and make out with dudes sometimes.

Zig's still poor and asks Maya for help and she reluctantly agrees.

Fiona approaches Dallas about the dance thing and Dallas says ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO LET ME RUB MY JUNK UP AGAINST YOUR LEG and she says sigh, OKAY.

Zig uses Maya to trap Tori into an anniversary dinner which is strange because that's exactly what she wanted in the first place so I don't know why a trap was necessary but whatever, okay, it's happening. Zig eyes the dinner menu at Little Miss Steaks—secrets, lies, and mashed potatoes—and tells Tori to get whatever she wants. He's up to something, I just know it.

Dave and Melinda Shankar are so awesome together, but when she leaves, BITCH BECKY approaches and this won't be good! She manages to actually get into his head by convincing him that he might become gay if he does the play a lot, which seems to work because no one at Degrassi googles or reads or knows anything.

Zig tells Maya that he's got the check and then totally bails on it, which is a plan that will work except for the fact that MARISOL GOES TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS YOU. So, good luck with jail, buddy!

SumOlogy: Everyone's lying and it's awesome!

Grade: B

Leftovers

"Sorry for liking you so much." Damn right, Tori.

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Terron R. Moore

Degrassi