1: Hey, dude. Can I come in? I kinda need to talk to you..
2: Oh, sure buddy buddy. Come on in. I wasn't expecting you this early.
1: I know. It's kinda an emer-oh my god. Oh my god, your apartment smells terrible.
2: The smell of free love is pungent, boner. Breath it in. Breathhhhhh.
1: Stop it. I need your help.
2: Well, how am I supposed to help you if you don't tell me, baby? Spill it.
1: Well, there's this girl. And she's the prettiest girl I think I've ever seen. And, we're friends, but I still need your help to get her attention.
2: Ahhhh. My little buddy is growing up. That's adorable. Well, you've come to the right place, bitch. Trust me, I've had more torrid, unbridled monkey sex than most people. If these walls could talk...they'd be speechless. Well, give us her name. What is it? Alyssa ? Alexis ? Phil ?
2: What? Dude, are you serious? I was just kidding.
1: Shut up, dude. It's short for Alexandria. She's gorgeous. Look, check out her Facebook. See for yourself.
2: Oh, god. No. Don't tell me.
2: You have a god damn facebook crush, don't you? God damnit, dude. You are so pathetic! She's not even real!
1: She is real! She was my lab partner!
1: Freshman year.
1: Of high school.
2: I'm not helping you with this. This is sad.
1: Oh, come on. Do you know how much I do for you? What about the time where you made me eat all your "allergy medication" when we got pulled over? Or, what about the time at the water park where I took the blame for crapping in the wave pool. The way those Mexicans looked at me...
2: Dude, don't try to guilt trip me on this. Why don't you just go get her yourself? You're a...good...looking...thing...
1: Oh, thanks. I would, cept I haven't exactly had the best track record with girls. Not since Jennie Marmoset...
2: Jennie Marmoset. Jennie Marmoset. Why does that sound familiar?
1: She went to high school with us. She was in Swim. She had a real...unique...look.
2: BLOWHOLE! Oh my god! You dated Blowhole?! Holyyyy shit. You never told me.
1: She was born without a septum, man. Leave her alone. She was a sweet girl.
2: Oh my god. I can't believe it. You banged Blowhole. God, we had so many names for her. Blowhole. Assface. Assholehead. Anything that looked like a butthole, ya know 'cause of her one nostril. Man, that girl could sneeze.
1: Come on, man. She was-
2: "No septum, two rectum!" Oh my god! That was it. Remember when Jonny Greene in the yearbook department put that as her quote under her senior picture. HAHAH Oh man. So, did you do it?
1: ...Do what?
2: Ya know...put it in her blowhole?
1: That's it. I'm leaving.
2: Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Hold on. I'm not so cruel as to forget your kind works. So, what do you need?
1: I need a few ways to get her attention on facebook-
1: Uhtut-tut. WITHOUT being creepy. That's the number one thing.
2: Well, I'm looking at her profile now. Mhm. Dude. Do I need to state the obvious?
2: Upload a photo of your dick. Done and done. Fish in a barrel, bro. Just the shaft at first, like a little teaser trailer. Maybe upload a video with, like, the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey, slowly revealing your wang-
1: STOP! Stop it. Right there. Okay. Let's just move on. Let's put a pin in that one for now.
2: Put a pin in the dick, got it.
1: Anything more?
2: Yeah, dude. Tons more. Tip #2. Friend all of her friends. You can learn alot that way.
1: That's actually not too bad. That way I can learn who she hangs out with. Where she likes to go. You can tell alot about a person's personality by someone's friends. Maybe we'll have a lot in common!
2: Yeah, sure. There's that. But you should REALLY friend her friends to see her embarrassing photos that she untagged herself in. Nip slips, upskirts, slutty Halloween costumes. That shits a gold mine for your spank bank.
1: Spank bank?!
2: Yeah, dude. Isn't that what you're doing now? Burping your worm to her photos. It's okay. We've all done it.
1: No, dude! That's creepy.
2: Says the Facebook stalker. Dude, it's 2012, man. Girls understand that that's what their Facebook is for. Why do you think they invented private profiles? Girls understand the inherit risks of being attractive. From now on, you should understand that if a girl accepts your friend request, she is giving you permission to beat off to her photos. I mean, really let her have it.
1: Dude! Not cool. Seriously, Alex is a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart and I would never do such a thing.
2: Oh, good lord.
1: What about a note?
2: A what?
1: Ya know, those little notes? You can write something nice and like tag people in it so they see it. Maybe I can write something cute and maybe she'll like it..
2: How have you gotten this far in life? Really? A note? Reading?! No one goes on Facebook to read notes, you idiot. People go on Facebook to sit in judgment of their peers and feel better about themselves.
1: Say what you want, but, ya know, I think I should just message her. Just talk to her. Let her know how I feel and see if she is interested. I mean, what's the worst that could happen from just straight up asking her out for coffee?
2: Uh, I dunno, maybe the BIGGEST REJECTION OF YOUR LIFE. That is so wrong, dude. You NEVER, under any circumstances be genuine with a girl. They hate that shit. No, what you do, is tell her exactly what she wants to hear all the time. Girls can't stand honesty. What you do is make her feel inferior! Whatever she says, you've already topped and moved on from. She hates her parents? Your mom was killed by your dad. She wants to quit her job, you were working in the Twin Towers during 9/11. She likes dolphins? You've fucked a blowhole, man! Top it and move on.
1: Really? Is that what girls want? I had no idea...
2: I'll tell ya what. I got this Vietnamese friend, Tone Loc, or something. But he's this hacker extraordinaire. I'll call him, up he'll get her IP address from her Facebook, get her real address, and you can go to her house and take this tranny down. Subjugate!
2: Mhm. Totally undermine her confidence. As soon as you get to her house, don't knock, barge in and say, "What hattenin, beyatchhhhh?!" Just like that. And just start thrusting. Trust me dude. Putty in your hands.
1: Okay, dude. Ya know, what. I know you're just trying to help but I won't be doing any of that. Okay sure. So, maybe I have an impractical, childish crush on a girl that I don't know, so what? I know that I can't fall in love until I actually talk to her first. But I'm pretty sure doing any of what you said will get me arrested or maced pretty fast. So, ya know what, I'm just gonna leave it alone and if its meant to be, its meant to be. And I don't think any of that stuff works, anyways.
2: Doesn't work, huh? Well, while you were giving your faggy little speech I've been doing some work on your Facebook page. You should probably get your phone out now, homo. There's a phone call coming your way that you don't wanna miss.
1: Oh my god, dude! Are you serious?! You're the best. What did you do-oh my god it's ringing! It's a brand new number. Oh my goddddd.
2: Breath, dude. Just answer it.
1: Hello...hi...uh...yeah...he's here. Hold on. Dude, it's for you. It's Jennie Marmoset.
2: I know, dude. I posted a picture of mah wang with a photoshopped pin in it on her Facebook, like you said, and she's totally into it! So, here. Give me the phone.
2: BLOWHOLE! WHAT'S HATTENIN, BEYATCHHHHH!