I want to write for Ology because I don't want to be an accountant straight outta college:
Andrew: Ahem. Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, hello..?
Andrew: Uh, hello..?
?: ......god damn turtles...!!
Andrew: Um, hello?
?: Hoh! Woahly shit! How long you been standin' there, man? I almost pooped myself, dude.
Andrew: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I don't think I'm in the right place..
?: Jack the Stripper isn't here anymore. Check two blocks down..
Andrew: Uh, actually I was looking for the accounting firm of Douglas Wallace. Is it around here ?
?: Oh, shit homie. Nah, you totally got the right place, man. Welcome, man.
Andrew: And you are...the...janitor..?
?: Nah, man, shit. I'm Douglas Wallace, man. This is my place. Call me Dougie, though. Like the song.
Dougie: Ya know, teach me how to Dougie, teach teach me how to Dougie. Ya know that one ?
Andrew: No..I'm not familiar..
Dougie: Oh dude. Don't worry about it. Its cool, man. Cali Swag sucks anyways. And, like, Jermaine Dupree peed on one of my friends at this club once-but uh, what can I help you with today, man?
Andrew: I actually came here for a job interview..
Dougie: Oh, shit that's right. That's today. Shit. Alright, for sure dude. Lemme just clean up a bit. So many Doritos, man. They're just so good. So, Mr...
Andrew: Porter. Andrew Porter.
Dougie: Andrew Porter. Great, man. Nice to meet you, dude. But shit, man, come on in. Lemme show you around. This here is the lobby. Where my clients, like, walk in, and then, like, walk out, ya know? But my secretary Jessika is usually here but, uh, she's, like, out for the next three months.
Andrew: Ah, okay. Maternity leave ?
Dougie: Ah, nah man. AIDS. I mean, like, the AIDS test, though. But, like, the test results take, like, three months to come back so, which is bullshit...but she probably doesn't even have it but, ya know...but I don't want her comin' around here sneezing her AIDS in my face, ya know? This is a place of business, you can't just do that.
Andrew: Uhh ya, you can't be too careful. Slow day ?
Dougie: Ah, nah man. We're busy here. Real busy. I just got out a meeting with a real big client of mine that came over and, uh, installed some games on the computer and shit, I haven't left the office in days, dude. Serious, man. Deathmatch, Halo, I had Frogger on here but that little bitch frog wasn't actin' right, shit. Like, what frog can't swim ? But I have to use Jess' desk, cause, like, my computers been having stupid virus problems.
Andrew: Oh, well, I'm pretty good with computers if you want me to take a look.
Dougie: Ah, nah, man thanks, dude it's cool. It's not so much a virus problem as much as it was a client of mine named Virus stomped it at this party I was DJing. But, it's cool, man. I'll just take it out of his account. I have his account numbers and everythang, I mean, he won't even notice. He's in a coma now anyways so......it's not like he even needs it. But yeah no, here's my office right here through this door. Watch that stain though. We don't know what it is. But yeah man, here it is. Not too shabby, huh? There's my desk, and my couch, oh shit. Lemme just move these blankets. Jess usually cleans up-
Andrew: Did you uh, sleep here last night ?
Dougie: Ah, nah, nah no. Well, I don't think so. I woke up on the lawn this morning, so, that wouldn't make any sense.
Andrew: No, it wouldn't.
Dougie: Uh, yeah. But yeah, you probably wanna see my credentials, man. Make sure I'm not some hobo off the street, right ?
Andrew: That'd be nice..
Dougie: Yup. There they are. Pretty maids all in a row...pretty sick, huh ?
Andrew: Yeah, yeah, not too bad, uh, why are they all in the top left corner ?
Andrew: Your other left.
Dougie: Oh, shit, right, cause, I figured it'd look really good when I got more, ya know ? Like, have the whole wall filled up over time from left to right. I did the same thing with my letterman jacket. Ya know, as an accountant you always gotta think ahead. Into the future, ya know? Looks like shit now though.
Andrew: Is that your high school diploma ?
Dougie: Yup, yup. Didn't wanna leave that one out, I mean, took me six years to get it, so...but got my Accounting degree here from CSUF, go Titans. What what !! Hhuhhh, hard to believe it was only four months ago, huh ? Time flys, man.
Andrew: Uh-huh. And your CPA's license is from...where ?
Dougie: Oh, yeah, I got that one...frommm my buddy Frank. Who, I knew from my fraternity and, like, his dad knows, like JP and Morgan so he totally hooked up. Pretty awesome.
Andrew: Okay. I'm gonna go now. Good luck.
Dougie: No, nah, wait man. No, you can't go. Your interview is going, like, so well. You should stay. You wanna drink or something ?
Andrew: A drink ..? It's 9: 30 in the morning...
Dougie: So like a shot then ?
Andrew: ..I'm just gonna go.
Dougie: Wait, wait wait. No, seriously. Let's just finish this interview, ya know ? Let's just finish, you can hear my offer, then you can leave, man. Five minutes. Just five minutes. Just chill.
Andrew: Fine. Five minutes.
Dougie: Great, man. Thanks. I'm telling you, you're gonna love it here. Lemme just look over your resume. Oh, you don't mind if I smoke, do ya ?
Andrew: You smoke in your office ?
Dougie: Oh, yeah, dude. Don't worry about it though. I turned off the fire alarms, anyways. Save some money.
Andrew: That's not how it w-
Dougie: But great man thanks, you're cool. I like you. Not everyone would be so cool with me smokin a J. during their interview.
Andrew: That's marijuana ?!?
Dougie: Well, uh yeah man, I don't want my office smelling like cigarettes. People would think I'm low class n' shit. Hfffffffff hff hfff CUHHH CUCHH AH GURH GURH ! SHIT, that's laced, man, thats laced..
Andrew: This is ridiculous..
Dougie: Heyyy, heyy, man chill. Hffff. Hff. Hff. Do you know what ? Lemme tell you something. Hfffff hff hff. Do you know what I say when people tell me you can't smoke weed and be an accountant ?
Andrew: ...No. What ?
Dougie: Hfffff hff hff. No, I mean, like, I'm asking. Like, what should I say ? 'Cause like I've been told that a million times by, like, everybody, and I still got nothing.
Andrew: Hmm. You should probably take that as a sign to quit smoking.
Dougie: Hahahaha quit smoking. Dude, you're funny. Hffffffff I like you man. You should come in for a interview, man. That'd be sick. You should really think about it.
Andrew: Douglas. This is the job interview. We're having it. Right now.
Dougie: Oh, shit. HA Ha aha. Dude you're right. I gotta ask you some questions, don't I? Some important questions. Hmmmm. Important questionssss. Oh! Dude. Have you smelled plums recently ? Dude, I think they changed something down at the plum factory or something cause they do not smell like I remember. Now, they just smell like...dust. But like, plum dust..
Andrew: You now have two minutes..
Dougie: Yeah. You're right. You're right. I need to get to the serious part. AHEM. Uh-huh. So, Mr..Porter. How often do you talk to Spooks?
Andrew: ...Excuse me...?
Dougie: Spooks. The guy who referred you here. You know Spooks, right ?
Andrew: No. No, what ? I found it on Craigslist. Who is "Spooks"..
Dougie: Oh, dude. Shit. Sorry, I thought you knew em. But, no, you should meet him, man. Seriously. You'd love him. Nicest dude.
Andrew: His..name..is "Spooks.?"
Dougie: Oh, yeah. I mean, it's not his real name, ya know. It's just a nickname, I think. But he's white so its cool.
Andrew: Uh-huh...do you think you complete a rational thought in the next couple minutes, Doug ?
Dougie: Yeah, dude, totally.
Dougie: So, I just got these bananas from my man Mando down in Glendora. Dude, check out the size of these bastards. Look at this shit, dude. How, how is there a god ?
Dougie: It's so fat. Watch this, I can like, cradle it. Like a baby. My little banana baby.
Dougie: Hah oh shit. Do you ever forget to peal em? Dude, it's like everyday with me. Okay, hold on. How bout this, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself, while I like, unsheath this bitch 'cause I need to like, meet you, man. Like, the real you.
Andrew: Really? Well, huhhhh, I was born in Berkley, California and my parents both taught there.
Dougie: Mhm. Mhm. Mhm mhm.
Andrew: And, uh, I got a full scholarship to Penn and moved out there when I-
Dougie: Wait, wait oh my god. Oh my god dude ! There's two !! There's two !! It's a double banana ! There are two bananas in my banana sheath !!!
Dougie: NO! NO! NO! NO!! Oh my god ! Three ! Three bananas ! Triplets ! Three banana babies ! Oh my goddddd. OOOOHHHHH MY GOD. THis is incredible ! I'm a father !
Dougie: Dude, seriously. Look at this. I might cry dude, this is unbelievable. Three banana babies. Triplets. I have a family now, man. My banana family. I'm a father, now, dude.
Dougie: Man, I don't know how to thank you enough. Really. Ever since you got here I've been high as fuck finding triple bananas, man. I can't repay you enough.
Andrew: You could let me leave now.
Dougie: Nah, man. You're never leaving. You got the job, man. I've never been so happy in my life.
Andrew: Uh, ya know what, I think I'll pass. But that's very nice of you. Enjoy your bananas. Good day.
Dougie: Wait, man, dude. You can't go. You haven't even heard what it pays yet..
Andrew: No offense, Douglas, but accounting is hard enough when you like your coworkers. And I don't think you and I would get along too well. So, its not about the money. It really isn't.
Dougie: I can pay you fifty bucks an hour full time starting then 200 hourly in two months. With full benefits and bonuses.
Andrew: ...How can you afford that ?
Dougie: I dunno, man. That's what my bookkeeper told me. She's like the one, who like, does everything.
Dougie: Ehh. Ehhh...come on man. Just look at these bananas.
Dougie: YEAH !! Hell yeah man ! Welcome aboard, dude you're gonna love working here. I know it. Here. Get a photo of me and my banana family !