Drew is now the laughingstock of the school and for some reason panty-raidin' Connor chooses this time to make his debut on Degrassi this season, which is weird because the last time I checked (just now), Connor Delaurier was actually A FREAKING CRAZY PERSON. Drew tries to buy back Bianca's affection with half an iPhone case from the 99-Cent We Don't Give A Damn store and Bianca's like SORRY, gonna go be smart and achieve my dreams now. Which is, in itself… hilarious.

Missed all this week's Degrassi recaps? Here you go!

Oh, hey KC! All the randos are in this episode.

So Drew has hatched a plan to join The Degrassi Academic Somethingorwhat in order to win Bianca's heart while Katie has presumably retreated to her cave in Tokyo where she is preening herself and feeding on her daily diet of panda hearts, child's laughter, and breast milk.

Eli's still all mad that Becky wants to do a musical and just when he starts with YOU DON'T KNOW ME, Becky retorts with YOU DON'T KNOW JESUS. Pretty sure she's got him there.

Tristan's still been chatting with Campbell as Maya, which is a really smart thing to do if you want to fail at your entire life but are you asking me, you're not, I'm only 24 and slightly sober. Whatever.

Musical auditions! Tori forgets that she can't act, and Tristan forgets that this is a musical. WAIT A MINUTE – ELI THINKS HE'S GREAT?! I side with Becky here- I'd sooner cast a bucket of turds than Tristan. Is Eli trying to ruin Becky (Yes.)?

Adam is reading 50 Shades of Grey and Drew doesn't get it. No, wait, they're studying for The Degrassi Academic Somethingorwhat. Drew still doesn't get it. But he does get violent war movies, which he thinks will help him until he comes down with a horrible fatigue during his tryout. Which sounds like another one of my Grade A zingers until I tell you that he accidentally calls Adam Gracie and she almost smacked his entire face. He falls to the floor dead, and Adam holds him real worried, but not enough to call the hospital or anything.

Eli is sitting on the floor which means something is wrong, something so wrong that not even Clare's charming dancing can fix. But they have a #couplemoment while he vents about Becky and Clare gets all I BELIEVE IN YOU and that's just it you guys, I'm dead, I'm on the floor. I love them. I LOVE THEM AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO TO LOVE.

Drew comes back to life concussed, which is the perfect time to come clean about that MMA fighting and Drew's mom literally just appears out of nowhere like WHAT?! Seriously?! Is she a wizard? She gives a cryptic warning to Drew about taking his new condition seriously before throwing out a portkey and spinning into nothingness.

Tristan gets the idea from Campbell (there's a bunch of technicalities in here you shouldn't care about) to go tell off Eli for not getting in the play and Eli says exactly this. I just wanted to type up his entire monologue because he said it WAY better than I did.

"First of all, back the fuck up. You're standing near me and looking at me and breathing my air and your feet are pointed in my direction, and I don't know who hasn't told your mum or your brain, but I'm Munro Goddamn Chambers. JESUS GODDAMN CHRIST doesn't breathe the same air quality that I do. I get my daily air imported from the Alps and ventilated into any room I walk into, you peasant, so when you dickheads come in my space throwing your stank booty breath around all freely, I'll be honest with you: it really goddamn angers me. Second of all, what is this. You have on a green sweater and a tye dye shirt and a red watch and I don't know whether to punch you in your face or flatten you into a board and play Twister on you. It's too much, and your entire presence confuses me. Third of all, better idea, this is a gay play now and you're the lead. Get out of my face. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!"

Tristan instantly drops to his knees in prayer, as all loyals should.

Bianca's catching #secondfeelings for pitiful Drew, who's just been sucking so bad at school lately. She offers to be a shoulder for him to cry on and Drew's like "I'm sorry, did you not see me shirtless this week? My shoulders are jacked, I'm fine." Sorry, Bianca.

Campbell finds out that Maya is Tristan and Tristan says sorry in that silly cute Canadian way I like! SERIOUSLY! It's so awesome! Its like SOO-RY. SOW-RY. SO?-RY. I don't know, I just freakin' love it, honestly, I kinda wanna train myself to say it just like Canadians do anyway Campbell's pissed.

Drew goes to return Bianca's gift and then CAPTURES A THIEF IN A STORE. Then he hilariously dies again, which is just enough for Bianca to be like CAN'T LET YOU DIE A THIRD TIME SO YOUR PENIS IS MINE. I wanna say something about that creepy store manager guy, but Degrassi got that laugh on its own. So great!

Becky walks in to find her play gayed and promptly FREAKS THE HECK OUT. She quits, and Eli says, again, exactly this:

"Why did I completely just use homosexuality as a cheap trick to snatch your wig AND your dignity? Because when you go home tonight to your little Jesus house and get in your little Jesus bed after brushing your little Jesus teeth, I want you to close your little Jesus eyes and see my goddamn face in your nightmares. Munro Goddamn Chambers has spoken. Get out."

Great job, writers!

SumOlogy: Ending the week on a wonderful high note!

Grade: B+

Leftovers

So who is the other gay guy?

Honestly wondering whether or not The Degrassi Academic Somethingorwhat is gonna come up ever again.

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Terron R. Moore

Degrassi