OMG, you guyz, yer SOOO not going to believe this! So, like, remember two weeks ago, when we thought John Roberts was gonna be all like, "the individual mandate can suck it," and instead he went, "the individual mandate is totes kosh?" and everybody just FREAKED THE FUCK OUT?
Well, I know the Supreme Court is all like secretive and shit, but this chick Jan like totally knows the people to talk to, and she said that her friend said that Antonin, Clarence, Sam and Tony are SO PISSED at John Roberts right now. Cuz they thought John was their friend, right? Like, when they started hanging out with him in 2005, they were totes BFFs, writing "Federalism" in chalk on the sidewalk and running away from girls cuz they got icky parts. But then John just up and said, "I'm gonna go play lesbian softball with Ruth and Sonya and Elena and that dude 4% of Americans think is Harry Reid, screw you guys." And he tried to get Tony to go along with him, he was all, "Tony, you should totally come play lesbian softball with us," and Tony was like, "No way, broseph. Dudes stick together. We were gonna invite you over to watch DVD commentary on 24, but instead you can go play with your sissy friends."
So Tony went back to Antonin and Clarence and Sam and was like, "John's turned all wussy and he's gonna uphold the individual mandate," so they totally wrote up an opinion without him and made it read like the majority, like, just to be dicks cuz their feelings were hurt, right? And John showed up the next day and they were all, "Here's our opinion, Jane Roberts. You can still join it if you want." And then Ruth was like, "You guys are mean, and your broccoli metaphor makes no sense. Come on, John, we're gonna go read Newbury-approved books on the lawn." But then John was all, "I'm not like you, Ruth. I hang two balls, and they're named States and Rights. I just hung out with you dykes to save the rep of the Court. You got icky parts."
So John's new friends left him to go read on the lawn, and his old friends went back to the Federalist society. Now John's all alone.
Anyway, that's what Jan says happens. But my other friend Paul says she's full of shit, and she's being spoonfed gossip by Antonin's friends to make Antonin look good. That guy's such a big baby. He and Clarence should just fuck already and get it over with.
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