Luke Scott—the gun-toting, plantain-chip-throwing, mutton-chop shaving, smug, racist, birther designated hitter of the Tampa Bay Rays—is about to set a record. With no hits in his last 39 at-bats, Scott is only eight outs away from being setting the new standard for most at-bats by a non-pitcher without a hit. In fact, it's gotten so bad that Just-Rays manager Joe Maddon has begun pinch-hitting for Luke Scott with pitchers, which sounds like a good way to get shot by Luke Scott.
A couple months ago, I mentioned that Luke Scott sure was getting beaned by a lot of minority pitchers, possibly due to things like this:
The other thing about Luke Scott—and now in most respects the bigger thing about him—is that he is a self-important jerkwater dope who likes going around saying that Barack Obama wasn't born in America. Not just who quietly thinks it sorta might be true, that the president of the United States is a scheming foreign impostor, but who makes sure people hear his important views on the subject, and goes on to celebrate how proud he is to believe this and how brave he is to say it.
He calls his Latino buddies "savage" and "animal"—and "bogeyman," for the especially dark-skinned Felix Pie, the Orioles' other left fielder. They are dear friends, Pie and Scott. Scott took it upon himself to improve the younger Pie's character when Pie, a former can't-miss prospect for the Cubs, came to Baltimore. Among the tools of improvement, he told Nelson, is a bag of plantain chips:
"So I throw bananas in his helmet. Here are my banana chips to remind him that whenever he acts like an animal, 'Hey, that's what other people are thinking. They're just not telling you, but that's what they're thinking about. And I'm telling you so that you're aware of that so you can make a cognitive decision to not behave like that.'"
Luke Scott is very attuned to the possibility that white people will see nonwhite people as animals. Especially if the white people are disgusted by a nonwhite person's "cognitive decision." A nonwhite person needs a white person to explain how to make correct cognitive decisions, and decisions about values, and all the other sorts of judgments that our Founders made, when this country still believed in accountability and hard work. Etc.
But back then, Luke Scott was something of a hitter, though his plate performance seems to have always oscillated between long stretches of home runs and nothing. But what's Mr. Congitive Decision got to say now that he's closing in on baseball's longest drought?
Does it weigh heavy on my heart? Oh my gosh. I'd say if I wasn't a Christian man, I'd be an alcoholic or something — this is something that would have driven me to drink.
OMGosh indeed. Nevermind Shaw's age-old equation uniting drunks and believers: faith in the Lord is the only thing that could possibly keep a soul dealing in duress from the bottle. I wonder how Muslim Obama deals with it.
Anyway, Luke Scott sure can manage to be racist and Christian at the same time, and stick guns in his couch cushion and be Christian at the same time, so I reckon, if he really wanted to, he could pull off being drunk and Christian simultaneously. In fact, Luke Scott can do anything he wants—except hit.
Maybe somebody should throw a plantain chip at his head.
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| Related: It Is Always Acceptable To HBP Luke Scott |
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