Previously on The Real World: most of them were hot, all of them were horny. Okay, time for episode 2!
| Related: Trey talks to Ology about tempers and hookups |
| Related: Last week's Real World recap |
Marie woke up drunk in all that peanut butter and decided not to make a sandwich, which was stupid if you ask me. Girls are like SIGH, BOYS. Trey gets right down to it and tells Brandon that he read his novel on How To Kill Yourself In 10 Days and Brandon's like IT'S JUST HOW I COPE WITH YOUR INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE FACE and Trey's like oh, well that's good.
Laura's lubing up Trey for their casual, sexy stroll on the beach. Laura's worried that Trey's boobs are bigger than hers but she's clearly more worried about letting her vagina out for some fresh air. Swift's Sweet Moves are trying to teach the whites how to dance and he should have known that wasn't going to go well.
Robb's next in the prank war! Marie douses him in peanut butter and then throws water on him. He gets up and chases her before BUSTING HIS ASS on the floor.
"Ohhh. Everything hurts." "At least you taste good!"
Laura finds a lizard and Trey finds a bandana while Marie and Robb shower together. All this sex talk is getting me excited!
"You smell like a sandwich. A man sandwich." "You wanna bite?"
The gang gets a boat into the city to eat and party and I'm impressed with how sexy they all get. Laura and Trey go up in the Ferris wheel together and it's precious cuz Trey's ascared. Laura admits that she likes Trey and Trey's like welp that's weird because I haven't lifted in like three days but okay and THEY START MAKING OUT.
We arrive at the club and it's very clear that the cast of The Real World St. Thomas are about half of 15 people in the party. Brandon is macking it while Trey and Laura check each other's mouths for cavities but then some LOCAL tries to start trouble with Brandon and Brandon's like ARGH, LOCALS! Swift's Broad Shoulders are like haterz gon hate. On the way home, Brandon punches a No Parking sign because I guess he really wanted to park there. Marie assumes she knows who Brandon is but Brandon shuts that down real quick:
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!"
Back at the house, Brandon's coloring in his angry book again and Trey gets into a lot of #treyproblems when he comes clean about his dad being in and out of prison because of his various dark passengers. Robb is so upset about this that he sleeps in Marie's bed, with Marie in it. Eventually, Marie tells Robb that they made out even though they didn't and Robb's clearly ECSTATIC about this.
Trey gets on the phone with who the Real World producers label "Chelsea, Trey's girl back home" which is great because WHAT.
"Wanna hear something funny? Everyone in the house is single, and everyone in the house is straight!"
Chelsea gives the perfect response—a drawn out "REALLY…"—slightly because she's surprised abouth the gay thing but mostly because she wasn't aware that the guy she's been railing is single. At least that's what it sounds like- Chelsea clearly still wants Trey's children but it's not like she's gonna tell him that!
Trey opens up to Laura about Chelsea and Laura's like LOLZ DON'T CARE. Then I must have missed something because the next thing I know, Trey is dressed in drag. I thought he just said that no one was gay! "Big Shirley" backs that ass up for you in the confessional and don't lie, you like it.
Marie meets a guy named Max and Max says "it's my birthday" and Marie says "welp, guess we're banging then!"
"If I were to sleep somewhere, where would be the best place to sleep?" "My bed."
Marie gives Max the birthday present of a lifetime before telling him to canoe it the f*ck out of here. The next day just happens to be Swift's Cashmere Sweater's birthday, so I'm guessing LaToya is about to pay up. Laura goes in to kiss Trey and gets DEEEE-NIED. Laura's like NBD I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP.
Brandon meets the girl from the other club and starts seducing her by wrapping his tie around her vagina. I wish I wrote that as a joke. I didn’t. It actually happened.
"I'm gonna bring her back and I'm gonna bang her and you guys are just gonna KNOW. That I'm the best in the house."
Swift's Schweet Buzzcut (I'm never going to call him just Swift, you should have gotten that by now) assumes that Brandon can't possibly get hot girls, and stalks him as he slowly but surely gets denied. NO! Angry Brandon is like the worst Brandon there is! But he makes the completely accurate argument that he wouldn't be getting heckled if he were Trey.
"MY HEART IS BLACKER THAN THE F*CKING SKY. THERE'S NO F*CKING HEART TO STEAL, AND I DON'T HAVE A F*CKING SOUL TO SELL."
Word. Everybody hates Brandon still and it's Marie and Robb's turn to play therapists. Robb's like "we don't wanna talk behind your back" forgetting that he was just doing that about 10 seconds ago. Marie brings that butch bitch realness and tells Brandon to stop being insecure and OWN THE DARKNESS, basically.
Robb turns into his superhero alter ego Captain Red Bush and boasts about benching 150- which, for you unawares, is REALLY NOT THAT MUCH AT ALL.
"Excuse me slut. I plant my seed."
So this is where shit gets insane: Captain Red Bush and Big Shirley face off in your favorite game Weiner Taps, which is simply THE STRANGEST AND YET STILL THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN REAL WORLD HISTORY. Laura's like "sensitive balls? I'll sit on those!" and gives Trey a massage while, yeah, sitting on his balls. Trey still doesn't like Laura but he'll gladly take a massage from her. Momma ain't raise no fool, she raised a manslut (and that's fine)!
LaToya wants Swift's Soft Pillow Tosses to put on a skirt so she can date him or somethin'. Is Trey orgasming right now? Laura seems to be trying really hard to get him to. Doesn't work, though, because the next thing we see, Trey is ANGRY because Laura's not listening to the things that piss him off! He spills into more #treyproblems when he tells her that he's got hard skin (AND pecs, right?) so he doesn't always want the love that people offer. Through his muscled man tears, he confesses that Laura reminds him of Chelsea, and she's doing way too much way too soon.
Laura ponders a lot of things in the confessional: does she want to sleep with Trey? Is she normal or trying too hard? Is she a better ginger than Robb? She concludes that she just doesn't know. Brandon can out-kayak Robb, which is the greatest thing he's done thus far. Trey and Swift's Silk Wife Beater are proud daddies.
"On a scale from 1 to sexy, how good do I look in a kayak?!"
Marie and Robb scheduled a double date, but Robb is really annoyed about dating a girl that's not Marie, and Marie's like just dump her and go on a date with me! So he does and they do! Next thing we see is two funky white people getting ridiculously funky in a bar. Robb asks Marie why she didn't want to bring Max on their date and Marie's like "because I like you" except with 3x the words and none of that raw Trey emotion I like. But Robb sums up his feelings like this, and it's EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS SEASON YOU GUYS I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN IT:
"I think I love you. I don't know what's going on, but I like you so much."
SumOlogy: Shamelessly in love with these people. Best season in years.
Grade: A
Leftovers
For the record, I have done at least 200 television recaps and maybe given out 5 'A' grades.
Robb tying Marie's shoe was just about the most appealing thing. Ever.
I don't think I mentioned LaToya much, but I just need her to stay adorable. She gives me everlasting life and joy and smiles.
It's weird how much this episode made me love Marie, after swearing that I hated her in the pilot. The first episode made her look incredibly bitchy, but this hour showed so many more facets to her. I can't wait to see how she grows over the season.
I respect Trey's honesty a lot tonight. He did the right thing, even if he was slightly too aggressive about it.
TREY AND LAURA HAVE SEX NEXT WEEK?! WHAT?!
"This would be easier if you weren't flexing." "I can't help it, though!"
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