The Fourth of July -- 4th of July 2012, if you're into that -- has snuck up on us here at Ology, but we woke up in time to come up with some fun, easy tips to help you celebrate our nation's birthday in style! Why waste your day off doing all the usual boring things when you could make it the BEST INDEPENDENCE DAY EVER? So here are our tips; follow them to freedom.
| Previously: 15 Tips To Make Summer 2012 The Best Summer Ever |
1. Drink Budweiser until you’re blackout drunk.
Budweiser is the most American Belgian beer out there, and you might as well go live in China if you don't drink more than your share on Independence Day. InBev does you a solid by making those special edition American flag cans just for this celebration. Crisp, refreshing Buds wrapped in the flag? I'll have seven more, please!
Drink early and drink often. The key to getting blackout drunk is consistency over time, and the best way to show your American freedom is by indulging in a vice.
2. Invite a diverse crowd to your barbecue.
You probably don't hang out with people whose ethnic and cultural backgrounds differ from your own, but the Fourth of July is the one day every year where you should put aside the annoyingnesss of having to seek out different types of people. Get out there and celebrate this big ole melting pot of a country we have!
An added bonus to drinking Budweiser with a diverse crowd is that in the future you can reference it as evidence of your cultural superiorty. Someone's talking about the NAACP? Preface any response with, "Well, I was talking to my black friend the other day..." Interlocutors will be impressed. Note: If you're in Brooklyn, this might be difficult.
3. Belt out the National Anthem every hour or so.
This will be easier after your seventh Budweiser, but July 4 is a time for everyone to sing their patriotism from rooftops. Who cares if you're a terrible vocalist? If someone criticizes you for singing "The Star Spangled Banner" on Independence Day, well then they can just get the hell out of this great nation.
4. Wear borderline racist patriotic t-shirts.
It will be funny and totally OK because you're at a diverse barbecue, remember? And it will be OBVIOUS that it's, like, a statement on the relationship between nationalism and racism. Duh.
Pro tip: Have a couple t-shirts ready and switch them throughout the day! Keeps things fresh, especially after you spill your tenth Bud all over yourself during a shotgun competition. Speaking of shotguns...
5. Fire your gun into the air during fireworks.
Remember how you bought a gun to make this summer the best one ever? The right to bear arms may be the second amendment to the Constitution, but it's first in our hearts. Celebrate your freedom by exercising your constitutional rights! The best way to do this is during fireworks, when the sound of gunfire will be less likely to alarm law enforcement officials, most of whom do not understand the Constitution.
6. Fill a thermos with your favorite mixed drink.
Those American flag Budweiser cans are awesome and all, but they don't travel well due to some Puritanical, communist, and altogether anti-American "open container" laws.
An easy to solution is to make a fun, American mix for maximum 4th of July enjoyment for more portable patriotism. Why not try a classic USA mix of whisky and apple juice to celebrate two of America's greatest achievements? Entice passers-by with promises of "Whisky apples" and wink vigorously as you lift your thermos. Here's an infographic to help you understand the drink's appeal.
7. Conspicuously read the original 1855 edition of Leaves of Grass in public.
Being an American patriot doesn't necessarily mean one must be uncultured. Why not pick up a copy of Walt Whitman's original Leaves of Grass to show the world how much you love America! A great way to attract a potential mate is to stretch out on public transportation, open Leaves of Grass, smile across the aisle and offer the first decent-looking person you see a sip of your Whisky Apple!
If you're feeling less than confident, remember: You're American and you contain multitudes!
8. Blast Garth Brooks on your boom box.
Because nothing says America like Garth. And nothing says "copyright infringement" like trying to find a real version of Garth's songs on the internet. A true patriot who supports the letter of the law.
9. Burn an American flag.
This may sound counterintuitive, but the right to burn a flag is as American as jazz, basketball, or Whisky Apples. Hell, it's right there in the Constitution in the Bill of Rights, and a surefire way to liven up your barbecue is to throw a flag on the grill and start belting out the National Anthem in between sips of Budweiser.
10. Approach a stranger and start an under-informed argument about Obamacare.
This great nation of ours was founded on the premise that debate is healthy (note: among other things), but its continued success has been the result of egomaniacs shouting opinions at each other. Why not keep up the tradition by engaging a stranger in partisan rhetoric? No, YOUR FACE is bankrupting our nation's future!
11. Watch a baseball game.
It's the national pastime, you guys! Also, it's a great way to catch some rays and a midday nap!
12. Politely ask a woman which candidate she’ll be voting for this fall.
Like it or not, the Constitution does guarantee women the right to vote thanks to the 19th amendment. Celebrate nearly 92 years of voting women by asking one to publicly state her political opinions! It's a fun, summery way to incorporate this fall's imminent mass hysteria into our nation's b-day. If you can tie in Obamacare, kudos!
13. Cruise around town in a Hummer.
Gas prices are not as bad as expected, so take advantage of the USA's strong friendship with oil-exporting nations and go out in style! Renewable resources, my ass!
14. Make as much garbage as you can.
This is one day a year where it's totally acceptable to hurl your waste upon God's green Earth, it's July 4, 2012. Every other day of the year you're expected to feel guilty about contributing to humanity's slow death, but NOT ON AMERICA'S BIRTHDAY! So throw everything into one big garbage can and let the magical sanitation workers take it out of sight and out of mind a day later.
15. Fire a Roman candle out of your hand.
Because everyone tells you you shouldn't! Just try to make sure it's pointed in the right direction!
There you have them, the 15 easy things you can do to make sure this 4th of July is the best one ever. Happy 236th birthday, USA. We love you so, so much.
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Follow on Ology: Anthony Schneck
Follow on Twitter: @AnthonyOlogy | @OlogySports
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