If Bryce Harper weren't an American, no one would believe that he's only 19 years old. And you know what? I'm still not convinced. I want to see the birth certificate. I want to have it examined by Joe Arpaio. I want to get all birther on this shit.
The Washington Nationals outfielder has the chance to be just the third player in MLB history chosen for the All-Star game as a teenager (Dwight Gooden and Bob Feller are the others). But to do so, Harper will have to win a run off election against 40-year-old soon-to-be retiree Chipper Jones.
Harper is not campaigning to be elected. He's encouraging people to vote for Chipper.
"I texted him last night and said, 'That's a very classy thing for a 19-year-old kid to say,'" Jones told media. "I think he's going to be in his fair share of All-Star Games throughout the years. He's an unbelievable talent. I just let him know I appreciated what he said. It was classy."
But isn't Bryce Harper supposed to be an immature douchebag? Something's not adding up, and I'll tell you what it is: Harper has been lying about his age.
Sure, he's shown flashes of being an entitled prick, and he's done some really dumb things that we'd expect of a teenager. But I'm now convinced that he's only done these to throw us off the trail. Because the reality is, since coming to the big leagues, Harper has handled himself like a vet.
There was the now-famous That's a clown question, bro interview that not only became an internet meme but became aped and imitated even by the 72-year-old Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.
On the baseball field, he doesn't play like a talented rookie who relies on his talent to cover up his half developed baseball brain and instinct. He and fellow rookie phenom Mike Trout play ball like seasoned pros.
Various "grown up" have sought to put Harper in his place, or make him look bad, but they only end up making themselves look bad.
A 19-year-old with skills, brains, charisma and class? I'm not buying it. I want Bud Selig on the case. I want Donald Trump. I want those nut jobs on YouTube. We need to get to the bottom of this.
Call me Doutbing Thomas if you want, but until I see the proof, I'm going to curtail all this talk about Bryce Harper the teenage phenom. Because clearly, the dude is was born in the Reagan administration.
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